To Find What I Wasn't Looking For
by JaggedHands
Summary: Olivia receives a text message by mistake. Little did she know that the stranger who sent it would soon become to play an important role in her life.
1. Chapter 1

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For.

Chapter 1

 **I'm back with a multi chapter fic. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it. Let's see where this story will take us.**

Olivia jumped slightly in her office chair as her phone suddenly vibrated againt the wooden surface of her desk, creating a loud and obnoxious sound. She had been completely absorbed by paperwork for the past couple of hours that she had almost forgotten where she was and what time it was. Glancing at the clock, she realized that it was nearly five pm and Fin, Munch and Carisi were just about to leave their desks for the day.

She picked up her phone and was surprised to see that she had received a text message from an unknown number.

 _"OMG! You won't believe what happened today, Sarah! Remember that guy that I've been drooling over for the past two months where I work? He asked me out! This friday, eight pm at that fancy new restaurant down by the marina. I'm so existed I can hardly wait. I hope he's paying cause I can't afford a glass of water in that place. You have to help me decide what to wear! XX"_

Liv frowned as she read the text a second time. She smiled slightly at the comment about the glass of water but was brought out of her amused state as Fin popped his head in along with Carisi.

"We're heading out for a drink, boss. Wanna join us?" Fin questioned while studying the brunette, the faint smirk on her face didn't go unnoticed by him. "Who's texting you? Or should I say sexting?" he snickered, as he spotted the small smirk on his boss' face, but flinched as Carisi shoved an elbow into his ribs, basically telling him to shut up.

Liv raised her eyebrows. "Why? Are you jealous, Fin?"

The smart remark caused Carisi to chuckle loudly a couple of times but immediately stopped when be spotted Olivia's non amused face. "Sorry, Lieutenant. So um,... drink?"

"No thanks guys. I have to finish this before I go. Raincheck?"

"Absolutely." Carisi quickly stated, grabbed Fin by the arm and literally dragged him away from the doorway, slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Liv snickered to herself as she watched her squad exit the bullpen, laughing and pushing each other around, acting like teenage boys rather than fully grown men. As they disappeared out of view, her attention was then focused on the phone in her hand and the text that, obviously, had been sent to her my mistake.

She couldn't decide whether to reply back, telling the person that she wasn't Sarah and that she must've gotten the number wrong, or if she should just ignore it, forget about it and delete it. After a long few minutes of contemplating her options, she eventually decided that this woman, this stranger, deserved to know that she wasn't the person she thought she was.

 _"I am glad to hear that you have a date with the guy you've been drooling over for quite some time. However, I'm sad to say that I'm not Sarah, I'm Olivia, and that you must've mis-dialed a number or two."_

Happy with her reply, she pressed the send button and turned her gaze to the computer screen, continuing her case files. About a minute later, her phone buzzed again with another message.

 _"I am completely mortified! I'm so so sorry for bothering you. My friend recently changed her phone number and I now realize that I got the third and the last number wrong. So sorry! Just ignore my comment about drooling and the glass of water... even though it's true."_

Olivia couldn't help but to chuckle lightly to herself. There was something light hearted, easy and comfortable about this stranger and, surprisingly, she almost felt drawn, perhaps even intrigued by this woman. There was just something about the way she chose to put her words into her texts, the way she instantly changed an embarrassing situation in to a funny, amused and slightly sarcastic one in the matter of a minute was endearing and, to Olivia, a great quality to have.

 _"No worries. Don't be embarrassed, I completely understand. Good luck on your date this friday. Only two days to go."_

Liv sent the message, thinking that that was probably it, she would never hear from the woman againso she was surprised when she received yet another text from the same number.

 _"Sorry to bother you again but, woman to woman, what do you think I should wear? you can totally ignore my text if it makes you awkward. I would completely understand. Sorry again and sorry for saying sorry a lot and now I'm rambling."_

The brunette let out a heart felt laughter, greatful that she was alone so she wouldn't attract awkward side glances from her squad members or people around her. No matter how weird this was, texting a stranger like this, she still felt compelled to answer back and to give this woman her advice about what to wear even though she had no idea what tis woman looked like, how old she was and how she dressed.

 _"Well, it's hard to give clothing advice to someone when you don't know what they look like or how old they are. I would recomend to dress in whatever makes you feel comfortable but I would wear a pair of heels if I were you, it always gives me that extra confidence boost."_

After sending her third message to a complete stranger, she focused her attention on the lap top in front of her that had been untouched for the past twenty minutes. She shook her head to clear it, thinking it would help but her phone buzzed again and she was, once more, lost in this compelling woman words.

 _"Oh yes! Heels are a must so that's sorted. I am blonde, blue eyes, about 5 foot 6 and slender built. God, it sounded like I described myself for some cheesy dating site or to an old man who's just being pervy."_

Something fluttered deep inside Olivia's stomach causing her to break out in a goofy smile that would certainly stay there for the unforseeable future. It was a feeling she hadn't felt in a long long time and she had almost forgotten how good it could feel. She didn't know what to make of it just yet but it didn't really bother her, not at this time.

 _" You're lucky I'm not a perv or a dating site. I can't stand those things. Call me old fashioned but I prefer to get out and meet people first hand. I believe this man will be a very lucky man on friday night. Red always looks good on blondes or, if you want to play it safe, go for navy or a blue that will match the colour of your eyes."_

This time, Liv didn't even bother to look at the case files, documents and reports on the blaring screen. Instead she found herself glued to the smaller screen in her hand, waiting for a reply back, like a teenager who was texting her first crush. When she saw the screen lit up, so did her face.

 _"I do have a red dress that I haven't worn yet. Excellent choice! God, I can't even remember the last date I had, I'm so nervous. I like an old fashioned girl, there's not many of us left. I thought we were a dying breed."_

"She likes an old fashioned girl, ugh?" Liv said out loud to herself, still smiling like an idiot and began to type back, her fingers shaking slightly.

 _"We're probably the only two left of our kind but I'll let you know if I come across any more of us. I must say that I'm slightly curious about your date and how it will play out. Considering that I gave you some of my personal knowledge in what to wear, I believe it's only fair if I could get an update, on saturday, on how the date went? Oh, and by the way, I feel like you have a head start here. You know my name but I don't know yours. Care to share?"_

She felt nervous sending the text. Maybe she had asked too much? Her date was none of her business so why would this woman provide her with any information about her private life? Olivia had voluntary given the woman her name so there was no reason for the stranger to give away hers. Why did it matter anyway? She didn't have time to think about her question as another text message came through.

 _"Well, since we might be the only two left of our kind, I think it's vital that you know my name and it's Amanda. It's nice to meet you Olivia and, of course, I will give you an update on saturday. Consider it done. Thanks for all your help. I'll text you on saturday."_

Liv decided to keep this text short and sweet so she just wished her good luck and that she should have an escape plan if things didn't work out the way she wanted them to or if the guy was simply an asshole and she needed to get away. She was slightly relieved and disappointed, at the same time, that she didn't receive another text from Amanda. She could now focus on her work that needed to be done as soon as possible, which in SVU time was yesterday.

Thursday was an awful, grim and dreary day. A case of child abuse had come to their attention and they were all working so hard to get the child removed from his current foster home and into a safe environment. Liv knew that she wouldn't be able to relax until the six year old boy had been taken somewhere safe and sound where he could find some peace and closure and be a kid again.

"Poor kid, I don't think he'll ever be the same again." Carisi sadly stated as he watched the six year old exit the bullpen, hand in hand, with a social worker.

"I'm not the same person I was when I was six. We all change as we grow up. Fortunately, he's still a kid and he has time ahead of him to heal. Children are resilient and he will get through this." Fin placed a hand on the shoulder of the youngest member of the squad and gave it a firm squeeze before letting it go.

"I hope you're right, Fin." the youngest detective sighed, turned and sat down by his desk but his mind was currently not in working mode, feeling somewhat melancholy and low after everything that had happened in just one day.

"He is." Olivia chipped in from where she was standing, by the doorway to her office, a gloomy expression visible on her features, her eyes reflecting the pain she felt for the little boy. "He'll get through it." she stated. "With counselling and with the right kind of people, he will."

Carisi shrugged sadly, not really believing in what Liv and Fin just said. "Maybe." he muttered and turned his attention to his computer screen, forcing his brain to focus on the documents in front of him that needed to be filled, printed and filed.

Fin approached the Italian man and stopped about a foot away from his desk. "Have you ever heard the expression; you should respect and listen to the elders?"

Carisi frowned. "Something along those lines, yes. Why?"

"Me and Olivia are way older than you so that, unfortunately, makes us the elders in this case and you should listen to the wisdom that we speak of."

The young man peered up at the african american man, raising one eyebrow in a questioning manner. "Just because you're older doesn't necessarily mean that you're wiser. Wisdom doesn't automatically come with age, Papa." he snickered.

"Papa? Really? I'm not old enough to be your dad and you're too old to be my son." Fin replied, crossing his arms over his chest, making a physical statement that he was right.

"I'm not too old to be your son. I'm..."

"Okay! Enough you two! You are worse than two toddlers sometimes. Do I have to separate you and call your mothers? I want the paperwork on this case done and dusted before you leave so I'd suggest you get on with it." the brunette retreated into her office to begin her own paperwork, waiting for the day to end. Even though two of her detectives were acting like children a lot of the times, she wouldn't have it any other way. She kind of liked the light banter and joking around between the two but she would never say it to their faces. If she did, she would never hear the end of it.

Friday was another hectic day. Liv had a court appearance, a meeting with the commissioner and had to meet up with their ADA Barba about an old case which trail was coming up. She felt drained, tired and unfocused. The weather outside didn't exactly elevate her mood as it was grey and dreary with steady showers that seemed to last forever.

Since Fin was now the new sergeant, and could hold down the fort by himself, Liv decided to leave an hour early, hoping to have a quiet and relaxing evening at home. Maybe a bath, a glass of wine and some soothing music would calm her racing mind. As she laid in the tub, soaking in lavender bubbles, her phone beeped and she instantly groaned in frustration and annoyance. All she wanted was a nice and quiet evening for herself without any interruptions and definitely didn't look forward to going back into the precinct for another case. Not tonight.

A sigh of relief escaped her lips as she spotted the unknown number, that wasn't really unknown anymore, on her screen. When she finally realized that it was Amanda she got confused and, for a second, thought that it was saturday and that she was giving her an update, as promised, on how her date had gone but she knew for a fact that it was friday.

 _"Hello again. I know I'm not suppose to text you until tomorrow but my friend Sarah is not answering my texts or calls and I'm desperate for some encouragement. I'm all dressed up and ready to leave and I'm literally about to shit myself because I'm so nervous. You probably have better things to be doing on a friday night anyway but, as I said, I'm a desperate woman."_

Olivia actually felt a bit sorry for her. She hadn't been on a date herself in a couple of years, but she remembered the anxious and nervous feeling that would settle deep in your gut and stay there until it was finally over and you were inside the safety of your own home.

A strange warm and tingling sensation spread through her body as she read the text again and she felt as though she had to try and calm the woman down. She took a large sip of her wine and swiped her fingers over the touchscreen.

 _"No problem at all. It's only natural to be nervous. Just be yourself and things will work out just fine. If nothing can calm you down then try to picture him naked. That will keep your mind occupied and too busy to think about anything else."_

Happy with her reply, she pressed the send button and sank back down into the steaming water, feeling her muscles and joints ease up and stop aching from the welcomed heat. Then, she jumped slightly as a reply was sent back surprisingly fast.

 _"Oh, the naked thing is a good idea, thanks. Hopefully that will help unless he is thinking the same thing? I'll get all paranoid and wonder if I look good underneath my clothes as he tries to scan me with x ray vision."_

Olivia laughed and shook her head. This woman was funny and witty. Whoever she was seeing tonight would most certainly be entertained.

 _"X ray vision or not, I'm sure you look just fine underneath your clothes and he should be so lucky to spend time with you tonight. Go get'em tiger!"_

Ten minutes after she sent her last text, Liv didn't receive a reply and she figured that her encouraging words had calmed some of her fears and nerves and that she had finally pulled herself together and left for her date.

The water had turned luke warm and her fingers and toes were more of a resemblance to dried prunes than actual digits. As she toweled herself off, got dressed and slipped underneath her covers, she found herself thinking about this stranger, what she would order to eat, what she looked like, what conversations she decided to engage in and if she was having a good time. She caught herself staring, into the darkness, up at the ceiling, wondering if her date was treating her right. Since she knew that Amanda was an old fashioned girl, just like herself, chivalrous manners and behaviour was probably important to the woman who, somehow, refused to leave her mind. 


	2. Chapter 2

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 2

Thank you everyone for the wonderful reviews. They truly mean a lot to me and keeps me going. Enjoy!

The loud noise from her phone woke her up. Groaning and still in a semi sleeping state she grabbed it from the nightstand and, without looking at it, switched it off. She lay there for a minute or two, slowly waking up, letting her eyes adjust to the bright light that seeped through the window and stretched her body out, pulling at her relaxed muscles.

Saturday. Today was saturday and she had the day off so why did her alarm go off? She didn't even remember setting her alarm when she went to bed the previous night. Confused, she lifted her hand, phone still in it, and glanced at the bright screen with one eye, blinking several times before she realized that it wasn't her alarm, that had so unpleasantly woken her up, it was a call from Fin. She had accidentally hung up on her colleague and friend, thinking it was her daily morning wake up call.

"Damn." she muttered and quickly rang him back. Only one signal went through before he answered. "Fin, I'm so sorry. I thought for a second that it was my alarm blaring in my ears so I accidentally hung up on you. What's up?" she hoped that Fin wasn't calling about a new case but, of course, she knew better.

"That's alright. Story of my life. Sorry to wake you up so early on your day off but we got a case and I think the vic would be more comfortable speaking to a female detective rather than two male." he stated. "Meet me at Bellevue?"

Running her fingers through her sleep toussled hair, she sat up and stiffled a yawn. "Give me thirty minutes."

She showered and brushed her teeth at the same time, got dressed and headed out. The weather had improved over night and the sun was shyly peeking through the white puffy clouds in a blue and crisp sky. It was still early, only seven am, but she could already feel the sun's warm rays on her face as she walked to her car. The traffic was nearly hitting it's peak and Liv just hoped she would get to the hospital before all hell broke loose.

Finally, although a few minutes late, she pulled up, parked and headed to the emergency department, greeting a few nurses and doctors on her way. Olivia's presence at the hospital was unfortunately all too frequent and, over the years in her line of work, she had made acquaintances and formal friendships with some of the staff working there.

"Hey, Stacey. How are you doing?" she greeted the young blonde woman behind the desk.

"Lieutenant Benson, hi! I'm doing alright, thank you very much. I guess that you're not doing so good since you're here, in the ass crack of dawn on a saturday. Another vic?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid so." she sighed sadly then spotted her partner approaching, from the corner of her eye, and gave him a nod. "Hi Fin. What have we got?"

Fin stopped by the desk and threw the woman behind it a smile. "Hi Stacey." he grinned, his eyes lingering longer than what he had intended before Liv suddenly cleared her throat. The blonde, seated by the desk, had turned into a jelly-like formation as her eyes came in contact with Fin's.

"Oh um, hi detective Tutuola." she replied, her face blushing slightly as she gazed up at the african american man.

"Call me Fin." he shrugged smugly and winked at the younger woman. "I believe we're on first name basis at this point since we have met numerous times."

Blushing again, Stacey nodded. "Of course, Fin it is. I'll... um, I'll get the nurse for you, give me a sec."

As she left the two detectives behind, Liv turned towards her partner and spotted his gaze lingering on the woman's backside as she strolled down the corridor and she had to wave a hand in front of his face to get his attention. "Um, Fin! Hello?!"

"What?" he replied, eyes still following the girl.

Liv snickered. "Hi Stacey. Oh hi detective Tutuola. Call me Fin. Of course, Fin it is." she mocked in a teasing voice, almost childlike and waited for the man's reaction. She never got one as he was still staring down the long isle even though she had disappeared out of view. "Oh Fin, you've got it bad." she muttered.

"What?" he questioned, turned to face his partner and gave her an oblivious look, as if he hadn't heard anything of what Liv had just said.

"Nothing." she sighed, a smile lingering on her lips. The nurse suddenly came into view and Liv took a deep breath, bracing herself for bad news. "Hi Jackie." she politely greeted as the scrub clad nurse approached the duo.

"Jackie?" Fin stated amused. "Nurse Jackie? You know there's tv series that's called the exact same..."

"Yeah, she knows, Fin. She gets it all the time." the brunette interrupted, slightly embarrassed for her partner.

"Just saying." he shrugged and shoved his hands into his jeans pockets, shifting his body weight from one foot to the other.

"What have we got?" Liv asked softly.

Jackie sighed, sounding almost defeated and resigned. "36 year old woman, she was raped anally and vaginally, roughed up and left in the bathroom in a nightclub. She was semi conscious when she was brought in about three am this morning, she didn't say much, just that she told him to stop and he wouldn't. We did a rape kit and treated her cuts and bruises."

"Is she awake? Is she able to talk?" Liv wanted to know, eager to put the perp behind thick metal bars for a long time.

"She's awake but fragile and scared. Try to make it as quick as possible. She should be discharged later this afternoon if things are looking good. Room 6 just down the hall."

"Thank you, Jackie. We'll try to be quick." They reached the door but before they entered, Liv took another deep and calming breath. It helped, or at least it felt a bit better, since knowing what she would face behind the walls was impossible before she was face to face with the survivor.

Upon opening the door, she immediately spotted a petite form sitting on the bed, her head hung, hair covering her face and she was dressed in a seemingly short hospital gown, her bare legs hung limp towards the linoleum floor, a few visible bruises and scratches on the pale skin. Liv cleared her throat gently, just to let the woman know that she wasn't alone in the room any longer. "Hi, I'm Lieutenant Benson and this is my partner detective Tutuola. We're with the special victims unit. Can you tell us what happened and who did this to you, honey?"

Her voice was as soft as a whisper, soothing like balm to the soul and mind, hoping it would put the woman at ease. Liv slowly walked around the bed where she could face the woman, who still didn't seem to acknowledge their presence. "I know this is difficult to talk about." she gently stated, tilting her head down and to the side a bit, desperate to see the face of the person before her. She was just greeted with a small sniffle and a shuddering breath and her heart clenched in sympathy and compassion. "Can you start by telling me your name?"

There was a pregnant pause in the room. Fin had also made his way around the bed but was standing a few feet away. The slightly shivering form suddenly brought her head up to look at the two detectives, tears shimmering in her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out, only a pitiful sound that resembled a choking reflex more than anything, and she shuddered.

"It's okay, take your time." Olivia soothed, taking a step closer to the distraught woman, waiting patiently for her to say something, anything, but the silence persisted and Fin decided to step in, hoping he could be of any assistance.

"Can you tell us about the man who did this to you?" Fin had always been a 'straight to the point' kind of guy. He was also a ladies man and seeing a woman, like the one in front of him sitting on the bed, all bruised and broken looking, he felt the anger towards the man who had caused it and his patience would run low and the need to find the guy was almost overwhelming. "His name, looks, age? Anything?"

To anyone, who didn't know Fin, he could come across as firm and blunt, perhaps even intimidating but he had a big heart and all he wanted was for justice to be served. He had taken a step closer to the seated form and, as he did, her head shot up, eyes wide and face crumbling. "Please... don't! Don't hurt me!" she held her hands up to cover her face from invisible oncoming blows and Fin stopped deahd in his tracks, backing up a few steps.

"Don't touch me... please! Get away... get away from me!" she screamed, pushing herself as far away as she could from the male detective and from Olivia as well, temporarily seeing them as a threat and a danger.

Liv also stepped back, holding her hands up in a non threatening manner while keeping her voice low and soothing. "It's okay, no one is going to hurt you. We're here to help you, honey. Easy, try to calm down." she instructed but the woman didn't show any sign of stopping or calming down as she curled herself up into a ball against the wall and her face still covered by scraped hands, whimpering softly as she cried.

The door suddenly opened and Jackie stepped inside with another nurse and a doctor. "Sorry, detectives. You're gonna have to leave now." the doctor spoke while he ordered one of the nurses to administer some sedative to stop her from hurting herself or others.

The doctor almost pushed them out of the room himself and an apologetic Jackie came up to them, rubbing her palm over her forehead in a tiredly manner. "I'm sorry but she's obviously not ready to talk just yet. You have the rape kit, you're gonna have to work with that until she feels safe enough to talk to you. Again, I'm sorry."

They both groaned, mentally, as they watched Jackie disappear back into the room where the previously upset woman had calmed down significantly and was now on the verge of falling asleep. "Damn." Fin muttered and sighed deeply.

"Yeah," she responded in a whisper. "we're gonna have to work with what we have." she suggested as they made their way out of the hospital to Olivia's car.

"Which is nothing." Fin mentioned and slumped down in the passanger seat, resting his head against the back rest, trying to calm his anger and frustration.

"Yet." Liv positively chipped in. "We'll put a rush on the kit and see what we find. There has to be traces on her clothes, under her fingernails, DNA, anything. We'll get him."

The precinct was quiet since it was still quite early. John arrived about twenty minutes after Liv and Fin and a red faced Carisi finally came in, breathlessly jogging, into the pullpen and almost collapsed in his chair, by his desk. "Sorry, Lieu but the traffic was unusually busy this morning. I'm pooped."

"Well, I hope you're not too pooped cause we got a case. Fin will you fill him in and I'll see how the rape kit process is going."

It took almost four hours before Melina, the medical examiner, could give them anything. Liv and Fin headed straight down to the ME while Carisi worked on getting any footage from the club she had been assaulted in. "Melinda, tell me you've got something." Liv almost pleaded.

"I just got the results back. I found fibres and DNA under fingernails, seamen from her dress and underwear but there's no match in codis." She stated and handed Liv the papers from the documents. "The fibres are a satin blend, navy in colour with a fine thread count so it looks like the perp was wearing something expensive."

Olivia skimmed through the papers and sighed. "Okay, Fin will you let Carisi know that we're looking for a guy wearing something navy in satin material. Where's her clothes? What was she wearing?"

Melinda reached for a bag, underneath the table where they were standing, giving it to the tall brunette. "Everything is in there. Panties, dress, shoes, purse and jacked."

"So we've got an ID on this girl?" Liv asked as she rummaged through the paper bag finding a black stylish clutch bag with a silver detail on it.

"Carisi is waiting for them to send over the footage. I told him to look out for a navy expensive looking dude. What did you find? Got an ID yet? " he stepped closer to where his boss was standing, peeking ober her shoulder to see better.

Liv had a shocked and confused expresson on her face as she went through the clothing. "What did you find, Liv?"

The brunette had all the items laid out on the table in front of her and just stared at them and doubled checked the ID. Black high heels, black blazer, the black purse and a red dress. The ID read Amanda Rollins.

"Oh my god! I think I know this woman." she looked at Fin, mouth slightly open, stunned and confused at the same time. The roughed up woman in the hospital, that they had just tried to talk to, must be the same woman that had mistakenly texted her two days prior.

"It can't be." she looked at the ID again, checking her name and picture. Blonde hair, blue eyes and 5 foot 6. It had to be.


	3. Chapter 3

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 3

Olivia felt as if someone had reached inside her chest, grabbed her heart and clenching it so tightly that it almost stopped beating. The room spun around her, causing her to sway slightly on her feet and, without her awareness, Fin must've taken a hold of her upper arm, keeping her steady because, when she finally came back to the present, his eyes were only a few inches away from hers, his gaze full of concern and care.

"You okay, Liv? Do you need to sit down?" he asked, throwing Melinda a worried glance, who was also concerned for her friend.

"Do you need a minute?" she asked softly and lowered Olivia's hands, that were still tightly holding onto the plastic ID with shaking hands, not knowing what to believe.

"I... I'm okay. I'm okay." she stuttered, feeling herself coming back to her full conscious state.

"How do you know her, Liv? How come you didn't recognized her in the hospital? What's going on?" Fin wanted to know. Seeing his partner in such a bewildered state, he was desperate to find out what the hell was happening.

"I... I never met her." Liv said sadly, looking down at the picture of the pretty blonde on the card, her chest fluttering at the sight of Amanda's soft smile on the photo. She was beautiful.

Now it was Fin's turn to be confused and slightly shocked. "If you know her, then how come you've never met her? Who is she, Liv?"

The tall Lieutenant shut her eyes tightly and squeezed the bridge of her nose, breathing in and out slowly, a couple of times, before she explaied and showed her partner and Melinda the text message she had received on wednesday afternoon, by mistake, about her date and how they had kept the messages going.

"Well, that narrows everything down." Fin stated matter of factly. "We need to find out where Amanda works and track him down from there, since she mentioned that she was working with him. Or we track down this Sarah person, maybe she knows this guy she was crushing on."

There were so many thoughts running through Olivia's head in that time. What had been a loosely based case, only two minutes ago, had suddenly turned into something solid, structural and tangible. "I... I need to go back to the hospital. I... I need... I need to see her, to apologize, to say that I'm sorry and..."

"Liv, calm down. What do you have to apologize and be sorry for? You didn't cause this. You didn't make this happen." Fin tried to explain. "How is this your fault, Liv?"

"I... I told her to go. She was nervous and anxious and I told her to go anyway." the brunette argued, feeling as though she was to blame for this and that she had, somehow, made her walk straight into it.

"You're being ridiculous, Olivia." Melinda chipped in, helping Fin out as his calming demeanor didn't seem to have much affect. "You know as well as I do that none of this is on you. What happened had nothing to do with you. You showed us the texts, she had been drooling over this guy for ages, she was bound to go out with him anyway, no matter what. We're both woman, Olivia, and we both know that she would've gone on her date no matter how nervous she was. It's a part of the whole dating experience. Don't blame yourself bacause of something inevitable."

"She's right, Liv. We all know that this has nothing to do with what you wrote in those texts. What happened, happened and it's very unfortunate but don't blame yourself."

She knew they were right. She knew that none of this was actually her fault and that the blame was not hers to bare, but there was still a part of her, still an uneasy lingering feeling that she had somehow played a part in all of this. She knew that was inaccurate too. The self blame and the awful feeling she had, that she had contributed to something she worked so hard to put a stop to, was indeed misguidedly placed. She knew that the self blame would have to be puhed away before she could work this case and help Amanda find justice and closure.

"Okay... okay, I know, you're right." she sighed. "I have to go back to the hospital. Maybe she'll be more cooperative if I go on my own." she suggested. "No offence, Fin."

"None taken." he held his hands up and smiled softly. "Go and talk to her. She'll probably be more comfortable talking to you anyway." He put Amanda's items back into the bag and gave it to Liv.

As she drove back to the hospital, her mind was racing. How was she suppose to break this news to Amanda? How was she suppose to tell her that she was the woman she had texted three days ago and that she was now in charge of pursuing her case? Everything had changed withing the last ten minutes and she didn't know how to process it all. The thought of facing Amanda was causing her stomach to churn and cramp up but she knew she had to face the inevitable, take the bull by it's horns and deal with it.

"Lieutenant Benson, you're here again." Stacey smiled. "No Fin this time?" she kept looking over Olivia's shoulder, in hopes that she would spot the male detective, and looked slightly disappointed when he was nowhere to be seen.

"Hi Stacey. Yeah, I'm back to talk to the vic. Fin had to stay at the station but I'll tell him you said hello. Is she still in the same room?"

The girl behind the desk nodded. "Yeah, she just woke up about an hour ago. I think she's staying here until tomorow. The doctor wanted to keep an eye on her after seeing her panic this morning."

"That's understandable. Thank you, Stacey." she nodded politely and made her way down to the room, she had been in only a few hours earlier, and knocked softly on the door before entering. The room had a comfortable lighting, allowing the sun's natural brightness to stream through the window, the bright beams softly caressing Amanda's seated form on the bed. She looked just like she had hours earlier. Her head down, blonde hair covering her bruised face and legs slightly dangling from the edge of the bed, making her look almost like a little girl.

"Hi, Amanda." Liv greeted gently, a soft smile spreading across her lips as the blonde picked her head up and looked at her, probably wondering why and how this woman knew her name. "Do you remember me? I'm Lieutenant Benson, I was here earlier this morning with my partner detective Tutuola." she approached the bed, cautiously, searching for any signs of recollection hidden in the blue eyes but they remained the same, broken, empty and lost.

"I remember."

The frail voice almost caught Olivia off guard and she could feel her heart skip a beat at the soft and weary tone. "That's good, Amanda, that's good." smiling, she stepped closer to the seated blonde, aware that her blue eyes followed every move she made, obviously feeling on edge and nervous in Olivia's presence and understandably so.

"I'm here because of what happened to you, Amanda, but I'm also here as a friend."

The last word caused the blonde's eyebrows to shoot up slightly in surprise then she frowned. "Friend? I don't know you." she whispered, her eyes searching the Lieutenant's face for any kind of sign that she might know her but she had never seen this woman before in her life.

Olivia, tentatively, proceeded to approach the woman, keeping the gentle smile on her lips as she got closer. "I know you don't know me but you know of me." she whispered and pursed her lips for a few seconds before deciding to tell her who she really was. "I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it."

The tall brunette took a deep and calming breath, her heart pounding so profusely that her ears were even thumping with every beat. "Three days ago, on Wednesday, I received a text message from you, by mistake. The text was ment for your friend Sarah but you got a couple of digits wrong and I got it instead. I'm Olivia Benson."

Amanda just stared at her, mouth slightly open, face pale as the sheets she was sitting on, eyes widening in shock as tears welled up and spilled over down her cheeks. "O... Olivia?" her voice was shaky and choked, her word came out sounding more like a question than a validation, almost refusing to believe it was true. "I... I don't... I'm not..." her words stumbled out as if she had no control over them and suddenly her face turned gravely serious. "Prove it." she said, needing to see some kind of proof that this was indeed Olivia and not some stranger.

Liv fished around in her coat pocket, picked up her phone and found the texts that Amanda had sent her, handing the device over to the blonde to see. She also brought out her own ID and badge just in case, watching as the woman studied every item thoroughly before bringing her head back up, her tear filled eyes scanning the tall brunette in front of her and a hand flew to cover her mouth, face crumbling. "O... O... Olivia?"

The older woman took one step closer, closing the gap between them, placing a hand on her shoulder, feeling the tense shuddering underneath her touch. "I'm so sorry we had to meet like this."

Amanda felt herself lose control. Her bottom lip quivered, her body shook from the strain of trying to hold the sobs inside and she felt as if all the air had been sucked out of her lungs for a moment before she suddenly gasped for breath and let it out in a shuddering and almost violent manner. "I... I guess this is... your update. It... it didn't go very well." she sobbed.

Olivia closed her eyes for a second, swallowing her own emotions that were threatening to spill over. "I'm so sorry this happened to you, Amanda, and believe me when I say that he will be punished for what he did."

The cries echoing through the room tore at Olivia's heart and chest. She felt sad for this woman, sad and angry. Sad for what had happened to her and angry for the painful road ahead that he had, forcefully, left Amanda to deal with. The tall brunette could no longer stand there and look at the shuddering form. With a low and sushing sound, she slowly wrapped her arms around the blonde, letting one hand rest at the back of her head, holding it in place against her chest, while the other rubbed comforting circles on Amanda's back.

No words were necessary at the time. There was nothing to say, nothing that needed to be said and nothing that had to be said. Something terrible had happened to Amanda and no words, no matter what was said, could ever change that. This was where they were at and things would have to be dealt with no matter what came next.

Amanda tried so hard not to cry but there was something about Olivia's soothing presence that made it almost impossible to stop the tears from falling. She usually never cried in front of people, especially strangers, but everything was catching up to her now and it was crushing her, pinning her down under an enormous amount of weight and her emotions had nowhere else to go except to escape.

It was agonizing to watch, hear and feel as Amanda pressed her face into the material of Liv's coat, leaving salty patches on her chest. The cries were muffled due to the thick coat but, to Olivia, they were as loud as if the blonde had screamed right into her ear and she could feel the vibrations emitting from the smaller body, radiating into hers.

It was about two minutes later that Amanda pulled away, wiping her eyes and blushing with embarrassment for breaking down in front of, more or less, a stranger. "I'm... I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Olivia smiled sadly, shaking her head. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Don't be embarrassed." she tried to comfort, cocking her head to to the side. "Do you want me to contact Sarah for you? Is she your closest friend or family member? Someone should be here for you, especially at a time like this. Is there anyone you'd like me to call?"

Amanda thought for a moment, swallowing her tears and wiping her face with shaky and bruised hands. "No, I'm... I... Sarah is my ex girlfriend but she's in Seattle on business. I... I can't remember when she's due back."

"Okay, I could call her for you if you'd like?" Liv asked as she studied the blotchy face in front of her, watching Amanda contemplating her offer.

"I... I'm not sure, I... I don't want her to worry. She's meeting an important client and I... I don't want to be the reason for cutting her trip short." she continuously wiped at the tears that kept on coming but she had managed to calm herself down to a state where she could hold a coherent conversation.

"You two sound close, she must be important to you." Liv said softly, a question hidden in her statement.

"Yeah, she's great. We were together for almost six years before we decided that we were better as friends than a couple. We broke it off a little over a year ago. I... I haven't seen or dated anyone since then. Last night was... was my first date since we broke up. I... I can't believe this... happened. I... I just wanted to get out and have a go... good time." she began crying again but in a much collected manner than the last outburst.

"I'm so sorry, Amanda." Olivia slowly took a seat next to the blonde on the bed, slightly sideways and tilted her head down so she could get a better look at the younger woman's tear stained face. "My detectives have been working on this since early this morning." she soothed, keeping her voice low and calm. "You said in the first text you sent me that he works where you work, is that right? Can you tell me his name?"

Amanda closed her eyes and nodded. "Yeah, we work in the same building. I'm a corporate financier, my office is on the fifth floor. He's a real estate agent and his office is on the third floor. His name is Lucas, Lucas Diangelo."

Finally she got a name and she immediately texted the news to Fin, as discretely as she could, before placing her phone back into her pocket. "Okay, thank you Amanda. My detectives will..."

She was interrupted by the door opening and a nurse entered but stopped as soon as she spotted the brunette. "Oh, sorry! I... I can come back."

"It's alright!" Liv added. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah um, Miss Rollins, you're free to go. You've been discharged."

The nurse turned to leave but was stopped by Liv's confused tone. "I thought she was staying until tomorrow." the nurse shrugged, left a set of scrubs and a pair of shoe protectors in a clear plastic bag and left.

Amanda slid off the bed, wincing slightly as the pain made itself known. "It's okay, I discharged myself, I'm fine and I just want to go home so I can shower and change." she began to look around for her belongings but couldn't find them anywhere. "Where's my stuff? My clothes, my shoes, my purse?" Running her fingers through her tangled hair she hissed as the pain in her left side tore through her battered ribs and she reached for the bed to hold onto for support but, instead, found Olivia's hand.

"Easy, I've got you. Just breath slowly." she guided her back to the bed, her arm wrapped around Amanda's middle, mindful of her injuries. "Are you sure you're ready to go home? Maybe you should stay until the doctor clears you. Give your body a chance to heal." Liv insisted, as she watched Amanda's face turn pale.

"No, I'm fine, Lieutenant. I just... I just want to get home."

Sighing, Liv gave up. "Okay. Why don't you get dressed in the scrubs the nurse gave you and then I'll take you home. Your belongings had to be processed and swabbed for evidence, they're in my car."

The drive was quiet. Too quiet for Olivia's liking and she couldn't help but throw worried glances towards the small woman sitting in the passanger seat with light blue scrubs that were about two sizes too big. As she pulled into the apartment building, she killed the engine and turned towards Amanda before the blonde had a chance to exit the vehicle.

"I'm gonna have to take your statement, Amanda. I need you to tell me what happened last night. I know you're tired and in pain but it's better to get this done now while it's still fresh in your memory."

Blue eyes looked out through the car window, watching a couple walking hand and hand across the street, laughing and enjoying each other's company. "It will always be fresh in my memory." she whispered in an absent tone.

"Hey," Liv gently soothed. "I've been doing this a long time and, even though it feels like things are so hard, so painful and so scary, it does get better with time. I promise you that."


	4. Chapter 4

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 4

Amanda had agreed on giving Olivia her statement but a shower was first on her agenda. Getting the smell and touch off of her was her main priority and Liv waited patiently while the blonde scrubbed and cleaned every inch of her body until her skin turned red raw. She was still shaky, from the trauma or dehydration, she didn't know but she didn't really care as long as she was able to feel clean again, and she wasn't even sure if that was ever going to be possible.

Liv had taken the liberty to pour herself a glass of water while she waited and sat down by the kitchen table, taking in the decor of Amanda's apartment. It was nice and cozy warm and bright, with a strong sense of welcomed homey-ness to it. It was modern but still had a touch of cottage feel to it in certain areas of the kitchen and the sitting room. It was nicely decorated with a noticeable touch to detail and the sun's bright light, coming in through the big living room window, highlighted a big collage of pictures on one of the walls. Curiosity took the better of her and she could no longer remain in her seat.

The photos were happy ones with smiles and laughter on everybody's faces as they posed for the pictures. Amanda was in a few of them, dressed in a vintage style light blue dress that hugged her waist and hips perfectly, her legs bare with a pair of cream coloured high heels and a short blazer to match. She was beautiful in every single photo and Liv couldn't help a soft smile from spreading across her lips as she studied the pictures, one by one.

"That's from Sarah's sister's wedding a few years back." Amanda suddenly appeared in the kitchen, hair wet from the steaming shower and dressed in yoga pants and an old sweatshirt for comfort. "It was a great day." she added, sounding slightly sad and nostalgic, as if she mentality travelled back to that day and remembered all the good memories from that special event.

"It looks like you had a great day." Liv smiled and turned her attention back to the blonde. "How are you feeling?" she asked as she approached the younger woman. "Did the shower help?"

Amanda shrugged slightly and began to play with the hem of one of her sleeves, suddenly feeling very nervous and anxious. There was a gnawing sensation in her gut but she knew that there was no way out of this. She had to tell Olivia what had happened last night even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. Going to bed and sleep for a week sounded more appealing since she hadn't really slept in the past thirty six hours and she could now feel how tired she was and how much her body was aching in places she didn't know was possible. He had really done a number on her but she wasn't aware how bad bad she looked and felt until now.

"Where would you like to do this? I suppose the couch would be more comfortable for you. Would you like a glass of water? Or I can make you some tea, if you'd like?" Olivia suddenly felt awkward. Here she was, inside Amanda's apartment, somewhere she had never been before, with a woman she barely knew, offering to make her tea in her own kitchen. She felt like a fish out of water. A feeling she, fortunately, rarely experienced but when she did, she felt awful, uncomfortable and extremely nervous. This was one of those times.

"Shouldn't I be the one offering you a drink, since it's my kitchen." Amanda asked, raising her eyebrows towards the tall brunette, a faint smile pulling at the corner of her lips, desperate to lighten the mood and the atmosphere around them.

Olivia sensed the blonde's need to change the heavy and dark situation into something more light and, perhaps, something comical, something that was easier to deal with and something she was more familiar with. It was a coping tactic that helped victims to deal with and process their trauma in their own way, sense and time.

"Well, I thought that maybe your, um... your mind was somewhere else. Besides, isn't it nice to be looked after in the comfort of your own home? I know I do." she placed a glass of ice cold water on the sitting room table, gesturing for the blonde to sit down on the couch. "I know you don't want to do this but the sooner we get it done, the better."

"For you or for me?" Amanda snapped but sat down on the plush cushions in the corner of the sofa, curling into herself like a hedgehog hiding itself from the dangers outside in the world. "Sorry." she mumbled. "I... I shouldn't have said that. I know you're trying to help."

Olivia smiled softly as she sat down in the other corner of the three seated couch, her pen and notebook already in her hand. "It's okay, honestly. It's... it's a difficult conversation to have but I promise you that I will do everything in my power to put Lucas behind bars for a very long." she watched as a shiver ran through Amanda's body when she mentioned his name but didn't comment on it. "Before your date yesterday evening, did you two have any type of contact? Physical or verbal?"

Amanda frowned, thinking hard even though she knew she hadn't been physical with him at all, barely verbal. "No, nothing. We've just seen each other in the building, passing a smile or just a simple hello to one another. Never more than than. I suppose we were flirting innocently but we never..."

Her face went pale, eyes wide and distant and her body shook briefly. "What?" Liv gently coaxed. "You never what, honey?" the pet name had slipped before she had a chance to stop herself but she didn't think Amanda noticed anyway.

The blonde turned her head and looked straight at Olivia. "We flirted! Oh god, we flirted! This is all my fault, I should never had encouraged him or make him believe that I..."

"Hey, hey! Stop that. It doesn't matter. Flirting or no flirting, married or not, drunk or sober, short skirt or sweatpants, you have a right to say no, anytime." Liv explained, hoping her words would have some impact on the younger woman. "So you never got together before last night?"

"No. I didn't even know his name until a couple of weeks ago when I heard someone talking to him." the blonde stated, wiping at her nose as it had began to drip along with her eyes. "I shouldn't have gone, I shouldn't have gone." she cried, placing her forehead against her pulled up knees and let the tears fall. She was so tired and emotionally drained after what had happened and everything just seemed magnified, enlarged and simply out of proportion.

"Don't do that to yourself, Amanda. You did nothing wrong and you couldn't have known." Liv soothed as she cautiously scooted closer to the cowering form a couple of feet away. "No one is blaming you for this, Amanda, so why should you? Take my advice and stop the self blame because it doesn't belong here, sweetheart."

Another endearment had automatically slipped. Olivia mentally kicked herself for it but it didn't matter now. She had said it already. She braced herself for a possible rejection from Amanda but it never came. Instead the blonde only cried harder, heart wrenching sobs that tore through her tightly folded body and, to Olivia's surprise, the small woman leaned into her, turning her body slightly so she could comfortably fit against the brunette's side as she let go of all the emotions she had tucked far back in her mind since last night.

Everything was now resurfacing and Amanda didn't seem to have control of herself. Her body seemed to have gotten a mind of it's own and it was almost scary how she couldn't get herself to cooperate with any of her senses. Olivia gently wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her even closer, rubbing one of Amanda's legs with one hand as she cried, calming her and soothing her.

"You're gonna be okay, Amanda. I promise you that." she whispered, feeling the body in her arms shake from the violent sobs and hiccups. "Shh, I've got you. You're safe now, honey, you're safe."

She didn't know this woman. Didn't know one single thing about her and yet she felt as though she did. She had gotten a glimpse of the person she was before this happened through a few mistaken texts and she knew that, even though that person was still inside of her, it was going to take time before she would show herself again. That person would come out when it was safe to do so and Olivia would wait. She would wait for Amanda to come to terms with her trauma, wait for her to heal and wait for the aftermath to ease and subside.

She gave Amanda's shoulder a light squeeze before she gently began to speak again. "Can you tell me what happened last night?"

Amanda finally pulled herself together and reluctantly withdrew from the brunette's warm and secure arms. "I'm sorry, I'm usually not this emotional and out of control. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"You didn't." Liv gently cooed. "Here, have some water." she handed the blonde the cool glass of water and noticed how shaky her hands were, almost causing the liquid to spill over the edges. "Easy." she shushed, and placed her own hand on top of Amanda's to steady the tremors and held it in place as the blonde took a few sips, soothing her throat. "Better?" she questioned and returned the glass to it's coaster on the small coffee table.

"Thank you." she shifted in her seat, putting some distance between herself and the Lieutenant. "We went to that fancy expensive restaurant. We met there at eight and he... he was so... so... I don't know, smug and slightly arrogant. I remember thinking that I couldn't get out of there fast enough if I tried but I decided to give him a chance. I just thought that maybe he was nervous and rambling or putting on a show but, after about an hour, he was still talking about himself, his penthouse suite and his new yacht that he bought two months ago for two point four million." she snorted as she remembered when and for how much he bought it. "I barely got a word in."

"Then what happened?" Liv asked, keeping her voice soft and non threatening, her hand still resting on the blonde's knee, squeezing it slightly for support.

Amanda closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath and opened them again, her gace drifted to Olivia's hand and felt extremely grateful for having someone there with her. "Um, he... he asked if I wanted to go to this club for drinks. I declined but, somehow, he changed into this charming and charismatic person and he talked me into it." she sighed and snorted at her own stupidity for letting him get to her. "We ended up in The Groove and he bought me a drink." she looked up at Olivia, eyes tearing up again as she stared pleadingly into dark brown orbs. "I swear, I only had one drink and then... then it's all fuzzy. I don't remember much after that."

She began to cry again, soft sobs and sniffles escaped her throat and Olivia, once again, tried to sooth her with her words. "It's okay, it wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault." she removed her hand from her knee and placed it on Amanda's cheek, wiping away a stray tear with the pad of her thumb. The sudden display of such an intimate affection startled both of them but none pulled away from the touch. It felt good. Amanda felt the warmth and gentleness from Olivia's hand and Olivia felt the softness and heat from Amanda's tear stained skin. Both of them seemed lost in the moment, lost in their own mind before the blonde continued.

"I... I remember being pushed up against a cold brick wall. His hands were... they were tugging at my dress, pulling it up and... and he... he... he tore my panties off and then he... he put it... inside." she shuddered at the fuzzy memory, her eyes became distant and her bottom lip began to tremble with emotions she didn't know how to show. "I was cold... so cold. He... I think he had a hand over my mouth so I couldn't scream. I remember him punching me over and over because I wouldn't shut up. He... he said that... that, after all the times he caught me staring at him, I must've wanted it. When he was finished he left me there. I... I don't know how long I was lying in the alley before I was found. I just remembered being very cold and... and in... in pain."

Her teary gaze made contact with Olivia's compassionate eyes and struggled to speak. "I... I didn't... I... didn't wa... want it., I didn't... wa... want it, I didn't..."

"I know, I know, sweetheart. Shh, easy! Take a few deep breaths for me. Come on, you can do it, breath with me." gently Olivia guided Amanda through another raging storm, guiding her rapid breathing by placing a hand on her heaving chest, feeling the wild pumping muscle underneath, hammering ferociously. "You're safe, honey, you're safe. He can't hurt you anymore. I'll make sure of that."

Amanda listened to the soothing velvety voice of Olivia and, after a few minutes of gentle coaxing, she had managed to calm down significantly and she was now experiencing extreme embarrassment for, once again, breaking down like that since it was completely out of character for her. "There's no shame here, Amanda. No shame and no embarrassment. All your senses have been stirred and shaken and it's completely okay to cry, honey." she paused briefly. "Are you sure you don't want me to call Sarah for you, or somebody else perhaps? Family maybe?"

A blonde head shook, her shaky hand brushing at the tears and her flushed face in an attempt to clear her thoughts a bit but it didn't seem to have much affect as her mind was just as blurry and jumbled as before. "No, I... it's okay, my family is... is complicated. My mom and sister haven't spoken to me since I came out as bisexual about ten years ago." she stopped herself and looked up at Olivia, her eyes wide and a frown suddenly appeared. "I... I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"Don't be sorry." Olivia gently reassured. "Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger because they don't know you and they won't judge. What about your father, is he in the picture? Can I call him for you?" she wasn't sure if she had crossed a line by asking her about her father, since she hadn't mentioned him herself, but if he was around and in Amanda's life then it would be a good thing if he was here to support her through all of this.

Amanda just huffed in disgust. "He walked out when I was ten, haven't seen or heard from him since. Great father figure, ugh?" she said with a hint of sarcasm and amusement.

"Im sorry." Liv whispered softly, her tone lazed with compassion and care. In a way they were so much alike, parent-less, family-less and they had both been through a sexual assault. Even though Liv hadn't been raped she was still struggling at times to cope and to process the traumatic ordeal even though it had happened almost three years ago now. The memories she had of William Lewis never faded but she had learnt how to deal with them now thanks to her amazingly talented therapist that she still visited from time to time, especially during rough cases that hit too close to home. She tried to be proactive about it and book appointments when needed be.

"Don't be, it's not your fault." Amanda interrupted her thoughts.

"It's not your fault either, you know that, right?" Liv comforted. "You were only ten. Only a child."

"I know. He wasn't the best father but I do have some nice memories of him. He did his best, I suppose."

The silence almost echoed through the room for a full minute before Liv spoke again. "Are you sure you don't want me to call, Sarah? It's important that you have someone here with you. I don't think you shouldn't be alone right now."

Amanda thought for awhile, biting her lower lip as she pondered upon Liv's suggestion. "I... I'll call her later." she decided, picked up the glass of water and took a a few greedy sips, her throat sore and raspy from the crying.

"Promise?" Liv wanted to know for sure, that she would indeed call, before she left. The thought of Amanda being alone didn't sit well with her. She would've stayed herself for another while but duty called and she had gotten what she came here for, Amanda's statement.

"I promise." she whispered. "Thank you for... for listening, although you had to, right? It's your job but... thank you."

Olivia could tell that she really meant it by the look in Amanda's eyes and sincerity on her face and in her voice. It made her feel slightly sad and worried about the blonde, worried about leaving her alone and worried about what she would do if her thoughts, emotions and memories about the attack got out of control and took a life of their own but she couldn't stay here and babysit, not that she would've minded but she had to get back to the station, back to her squad to see what they had come up with.

"Okay, I'm gonna leave you my card. My cell phone number is on the back and you can call me anytime you want or need to." she placed her business card next to Amanda's half empty glass and stood. "Call Sarah, tell her what happened. I can tell you're very close and she would be more upset if you didn't tell her. I always answer my phone, day or night, so don't be afraid to use my card, okay?"

A soft smile spread across Amanda's lips, a smile that spoke of gratefulness, appreciation and thankfulness. "Thank you."

"Take care of yourself. I'll keep you posted on what's happening with Lucas and, remember, I'm only a phonecall away."

Olivia left the apartment and, as she drove back to the precinct, she couldn't stop her thoughts from wandering back to the pretty blonde who had, somehow, stirred something up inside of her, something that she couldn't identify or put a word to, but it was there, strongly present and swirling around in her mind and body like a crazed tornado. She shook her head to clear it and pressed her foot down on the accelerator, trying to escape and leave her troubled thoughts behind her. She never saw the car coming from her right hand side at a junction and all she could hear was a loud bang and a sharp pain in her head before she blacked out.


	5. Chapter 5

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 5

Thank you everyone for amazing reviews. They keep me going! May the road rise to meet you all!

The sharp pain in her head woke her up. Dim and faded sounds and voices buzzed around her like annoying flies on a hot summer's day. She tried to open her eyes but closed them straight away as the bright light was too painful. What had happened? Where was she? Why was she in so much pain and why was she lying down? She remember distinctively that she had been driving, she had left Amanda's apartment and was on her way back to the station but she never got there. Something happened in between.

Then she remembered the loud bang, the pain and the overwhelming darkness that had swept over her like a thick blanket. She moaned as she tried to move her head, needing to know what was going on around her but stopped as she felt a firm hand on her shoulder.

"Liv, can you hear me? It's Fin."

The brunette huffed slightly and tried, once again, to crack one eye open. "I know who you are, Fin. I'm not brain dead but, fuck me, it hurts. What happened?"

Her partner chuckled and patted her on her leg. "There's my girl. Good to have you back, Lieutenant, you've been out of it for almost six hours. Another car rammed straight into you but don't worry, it wasn't your fault, he ran a red light but he's okay, just a few cuts and bruises. I wish I could say that about you."

"What do you mean? How bad is it? Did I lose a limb or something?" she brought her hand up to her head but hissed in pain as she felt a large bandage on her left temple. "Am I missing half of my head or what?"

"Don't be so dramatic. You've got a concussion and a nasty cut on your temple, that's it. You'll be out of here by tomorrow afternoon." Fin reassuringly informed her, knowing that his boss was dying to get out of there.

"Oh, great! I have to stay here overnight?" she groaned in annoyance, sighing deeply as she squinted her eyes at Fin. "How's the case? Did you talk to Lucas?"

Fin knew better than to try and talk his boss out of worrying about work related stuff so he informed her about the latest update and where they were at. "He's in holding until tomorrow but with his financial status he will surely post bail pending is trial."

"Bastard." Liv muttered as she tried to sit up.

"I don't think you should be doing that, Liv. You should lie down and stay down." Fin stated and softly pushed her back down onto the fluffy pillows. "Doctor's orders."

Liv grunted, already sick of being in the hospital even though her head was pounding like a heavy metal drummer. "Where's my phone? Did anyone ring me?" she looked around her room, spotted her phone lying on the table next to the bed and grabbed it. There was four missed calls from Fin and two from Carisi but nothing from Amanda. Good, she thought, releaved that she hadn't missed a call from her after stating that she always answeres all her calls. "Wow, Fin! You must've missed me." she teased.

"Well, I kind of got worried when you didn't answer the first two calls. Is there anything I can get you? So you need anything from your apartment?"

"I'm fine, but thank you. You should go home, Fin. That's an order."

"Yes, Lieutenant." Fin saluted, mocking his superior for being so bossy. "Let me know if there's anything I can get you."

Once alone in her room, her eyes began to droop, the noises around her faded and the tiredness kicked in. She was vaguely aware of a nurse coming in to check her vitals but other than that she slept peacefully until her phone rang and she jolted up, groaning as the pain made itself known with a sharp stabbing sensation. "Fuck." she moaned, touching the tender area gently before reaching out, grabbing the vibrating device and answered.

"Benson."

"Um, hi... it's um, it's me... Amanda. Sorry for calling you but I..."

"Amanda, hi! Don't be sorry. Is everything alright?" her stomach clenched tightly, thinking that something was wrong and that she was in danger, upset or that something else had happened.

"I... I'm fine, I just... um, I rang Sarah but she didn't answer and I just thought that... um, I just thought that maybe..."

"Fuck!" Liv cursed on the other line as she shifted in bed and another jolt of pain ripped through here head.

"Sorry, Lieutenant, I... I shouldn't have called." her anxiety kicked in as she heard the woman on the other line curse, instantly regretting her decision to call her. She was so stupid. She should've just left it alone, deal with things herself and not bother the woman, who clearly had a busy schedule and too busy to be listening to her pity party.

"No, no, it's okay, Amanda. Honestly, it's okay that you called, I'm just... I'm actually in the hospital." she chuckled, somehow seeing the comical side of what had happened to her. It wasn't long since she had left the hospital and now she was here again but as a patient.

"Oh! Are you okay? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you I..."

"It's okay, you didn't bother me." Olivia reassured, wincing again as the throbbing kicked in. "I'm okay, thank you, I was in a car accident. It happened after I left your apartment, some guy ran a red light and slammed into me. Just a concussion and some cuts and bruises, nothing to worry about."

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry. Are you gonna be okay?" Amanda sounded genuinely concerned and, for some reason, it caused Olivia's stomach to flutter and her heart to pick up speed but she didn't know why her body had such a reaction to hearing the woman's concerned voice.

"I'm... I'm fine, I'm getting discharged tomorrow afternoon. I suppose they just want to keep me for observation." Olivia explained as if it was no big deal, not wanting the blonde to worry or feel as though it was her fault since it had happened after leaving her place. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"Oh, um... no, I just... I just thought that... I don't know, it's stupid really. I shouldn't have called you, I'm sorry, I'll let you go. Thank you for earlier today, Lieutenant. I hope you feel better soon."

Before Olivia could say anything the line was already dead and she was left with the phone in her hand, staring at the screen for a long time, wondering why Amanda had called. Still staring at the screen, two minutes later, she decided to call her back. Five signals went through before she gave up. Amanda wasn't going to answer. It took her a long time to settle down again, after the unexpected call, but eventually the pain meds took their toll on all her senses and she fell into a deep slumber.

The next time she came to, her head seemed a bit better. The painful throbbing had reduced to a dull ache and she felt well rested with a clear mind. She was facing the window and all she could see was darkness outside but her room was lit in a dim glow from her bedside lamp. She stretched and yawned, hearing her bones crack in her back and knees, reminding her that she was getting older. As she shifted in bed, she became aware of a presence on her left hand side. Startled by the sudden feeling of someone watching her, she turned her head and fixed her gaze on the form sitting on a chair next to the bed a couple of feet away and she was surprised to see who it was.

"Amanda?" her eyes flickered around the room, trying to figure out what and why she was here or if this was a dream or a hallucination of some sort. "Wh... what are you doing here? Are you okay? I tried to call you back but there was no answer. Did something happen?"

Amanda shifted in the hard plastic chair, slightly uncomfortable and wondered herself what she was doing here, why she had come and what to say so she wouldn't come across and sound like a total idiot. "Um, I... I just wanted to... make sure that... that you were alright and that... that... um, that you were... ugh!" she huffed, rubbing her hand over her face in frustration and mortification. "Honestly, I... I don't know why I'm here." she whispered, letting her gaze fall down to where her hands were resting on her lap.

The brunette could sense the tension and fear coming from Amanda and she felt sorry for her. She was obviously scared and still traumatized from the vicious attack earlier on and Olivia somehow felt honoured and proud that she had come to her, even though she was in the hospital, to seek out some kind of comfort and reassurance and Olivia wanted to give her whatever she had come here to find.

She spotted a two paper cups sitting on the small table and she decided to quickly change the subject, hoping to ease Amanda's upset and anxious demeanor. "Is that coffee I see?" she asked sheepishly, giving the blonde a soft smile.

"Oh, um, yeah! I... I didn't know how you take it but there's cream and sugar next to it. I... I know that cops like their coffee so I thought that it was a safe bet. Here." she handed Liv a cup and held out the creamer and sugar in case she wanted it.

"I take mine black, thank you, you're a life saver." she took a greedy gulp and felt the bitter brew trickle down her throat and she sighed in contentment. "Not too bad for hospital coffee, still warm too. How do you know that us cops like our coffee?"

A faint blush swept over Amanda's face as she took a sip from the other cup, suddenly feeling shy and out if place. "I... I watch a lot of cop shows and they all seem to live on it... literally, so I figured I can't go wrong with coffee."

Olivia laughed heartedly but winced from a sudden shock of pain. "Oh, don't make me laugh, it hurts too much." she said with a soft smile, her eyes lingered on Amanda's features and realized how beautiful she really was.

"Sorry." the blonde apologized, a guilty frown creeping up on her face along with a nervous and embarrassed blush. Why did she come here? Olivia must think that she's some kind of basket case, an attention seeker or just someone who is plain stupid and pathetic. "I... I should go, I... I'm glad you're gonna be okay, Lieutenant."

She stood up and turned to leave, anxious to make her exit, when she felt a warm gentle hand softly wrap around her wrist, tugging at it gently. "Hey, it's okay. You don't have to leave." even though her head was still aching, she sat up in the big hospital bed and crossed her legs. "What time is it anyway?" she reached for her phone and her eyes widened. "Wow, almost ten pm and they let you in even though visiting hours ended at seven? Did you sneak in with the laundry trolley or did you dress up as a nurse to get in, because I know how strict they are, in this place, about not breaking the rules and policies?"

Amanda immediately felt more at ease, sensing the brunette's playful and amusing mood and silently thanked her for it. Her skin tingled where Olivia had touched her and the sensation was almost overwhelming. Blushing slightly again, she shifted uncomfortably on her feet, not really knowing where to look. "I um, I told them you were my sister."

Olivia laughed out loud and this time her head didn't seem to protest as much as the last time. "Smart move. Although, we must have different mothers or fathers because we don't look anything alike." she winked, joking to ease the other woman's tense demeanor and her nervous and fidgety appearance.

When the blonde didn't verbally answer, only offering Olivia a faint smile in response, she decided to probe into the real reason of why she was here in the first place but she had to tread lightly, not wanting to scare or cause Amanda any discomfort or a reason to run away. The silence in the room was heavy and Olivia could no longer avoid or ignore the subject and she spoke with caution and care, an alto soothing voice that she only used for the most fragile of victims.

"It's okay to be scared, Amanda."

That was all it took before the blonde broke down in tears, covering her face with her hands, sobbing earnestly. Olivia was slightly taken aback by the sudden opening of the floodgates but didn't let her face show it but instead she reached out and, once again, wrapped her fingers around the same wrist, she had touched only a minute ago, and gently pulled her towards the bed, guiding her and letting her know that it was okay to sit down. "Shh, it's okay, it's okay." she soothed and, once Amanda was seated on her left hand side, she gently began to rub small soothing circles on her lower back while her other hand softly stroked up and down her arms that were still acting as a shield to hide her face.

"Breath, honey, you're okay." she tenderly brushed a blonde lock behind her ear and scooted closer, taking the whole shuddering body into her arms and held her tight, feeling Amanda's hands finally drop only to cling to the hospital gown that Olivia was wearing.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I... I shouldn't have rang you... I shouldn't have come here and I... I... I'm not... I didn't..." she couldn't finish her sentence, nor put her words together in a coherent manner so Liv could understand. It was all too much too fast and she didn't know how to deal with it.

"You have nothing to be sorry for so I want you to stop apologizing, okay? You did nothing wrong." she hushed, as she rocked them both softly from side to side. "Sarah, didn't answer ugh?" she questioned, feeling Amanda shake her head against her shoulder. "She's probably busy and will call you first thing in the morning."

The reassuring words seemed to help and Amanda calmed down and so did her breathing. Pulling away, she wiped her tears, her face showing nothing but sadness and embarrassment for breaking down so pathetically and weakly in front of this woman she barely knew.

Liv spoke again. "Were you sitting at home, doing your best not to think about your attack, the walls closing in on you, feeling like you couldn't breath and that you were all alone?"

Amanda peered up and looked Liv dead in the eye, a 'deer caught in the headlights' kind of look. "How did you... I... I never..." her words failed snd she didn't know what to say to that. Then, suddenly, she understood the meaning and the truth behind Olivia's words and the connection between them became stronger. "You... you get it, don't you?" she whispered while still looking the brunette straight in the eye.

Smiling sadly, Liv tugged her close to her side again, rubbing her back gently. "Yeah, I get it." she said softly, her own eyes stinging from unshed tears. "I really do."


	6. Chapter 6

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 6

Sarah did ring first thing in the morning, just as Liv had said, and Amanda told her what had happened and she was now on the way back to New York, cutting her trip short. Amanda felt guilty but Sarah had calmed her down and told her not to worry about it and that her business trip was boring anyway.

Olivia barely got any sleep that night. She kept seeing Amanda's teary blue eyes every time she closed hers and her mind was buzzing. She didn't know why this woman, this blonde beautiful woman, caught her full attention so strongly. She kept telling her that it was just another case, another perp to catch before he would strike again, but it wasn't as easy as she thought. Her mind kept going back and forth between her seemingly strong connection to Amanda and the professional side of this case. Never had she experienced such a powerful and deep bond with a rape victim before and it troubled her.

There was just something about Amanda that drew her to the younger woman and she was unsure of what to do with her emotions and thoughts, not sure if her feelings were appropriate. The blonde had updated her about Sarah's return trip and she couldn't help but to feel a sting of jealousy. In a way, she wanted to be there for Amanda, to help her through this difficult period and recovery but now, since her ex girlfriend was back in town, she assumed that she, herself, was forgotten about and that Amanda wouldn't need her support. The more she tried to shake the feeling, the more frustrated and jealous she got.

Lying on her couch, in her own home, she felt the lack of sleep catching up on her and it became an impossible task to keep her eyes open and she drifted off to sleep in the matter of seconds. She slept for three solid hours before a knock on the door woke her up and Fin's firm tone rang out. "Liv, it's me, Fin. You okay in there?"

Groaning she slowly got up, to avoid a dizzy spell, unlocked the safety chain and opened it, her eyes rolling. "I know who you are, partner. Again, I'm still not brain dead. What's up?" she stepped aside, welcoming her partner into the comfort of her own home, squinting her eyes as Fin switched on the bright ceiling light. "God, what are you trying to do, scorch my eyes out? That burns." she huffed and adjusted it to a much more comfortable level. "I might be out of hospital but I'm not fully recovered yet."

"Sorry." he stated and sat down on the coffee table, facing the sofa, gesturing for her to take a seat. "I know you're on sick leave for a couple of days but I know you'll bust my ass if I don't keep you in the loop about the Rollins case."

"Damn right! What's wrong?" her tone was firm and steady but also laced with concern. "What's going on?" she sat down on the couch, waiting for her partner to debrief her.

"Lucas Diangelo is out on bail since last night and no one has seen or heard from him since. He's not in his apartment and he didn't show up for work, if he still has one, that is. He had to surrender his passport so he couldn't have gotten far. We've got an alert out at every airport but nothing yet."

Liv sighed and felt her head starting to ache again and she rubbed her temples in an attempt to soothe it. "The passport doesn't mean a thing. With the kind of money he has he could've gotten out on a private jet. Have you informed Aman... I mean, Miss Rollins? Does she know that he made bail?"

"I thought I'd let you know first, Liv, but I can call her and let her know. Maybe she can stay with family or a friend for a while." he suggested while reaching for his phone.

"No, it's okay." Liv quickly interrupted and stopped his movement by placing a hand on his arm. "I'll... I'll do it, I'll call her and let her know. She has no family to stay with, it's just her."

Fin raised an eyebrow and smirked. "And you know this, how?"

Olivia smirked back at him and rolled her eyes at her partner. "She told me, okay! I'm gonna call her right now and see if she can stay with a friend or maybe her ex girlfriend's place until things calm down a bit."

"Girlfriend? What's she doing dating a dude?"

"Fin!" Liv scolded. "Maybe she's batting for both teams, don't be judgemental." she firmly said while searching through her phone for Amanda's number.

"Just saying." Fin shrugged. "Heterosexual and homosexual; fine, but bisexual? I mean, come on, that's a bit greedy don't you think?" he winked at her, smiling, and Liv knew he was just messing with her.

"You're just jealous, cause they have a bigger selection and a better chance at finding someone. Now, hush, it's ringing." she neared playfully as the first signal went through. It took another three before Amanda finally answered, slightly breathless from trying to get to her phone as soon as possible.

"Lieutenant Benson, is everything okay?"

"Hi, Amanda, sorry to bother you but I've got some news about Lucas Diangelo. Are you on your own right now?" Liv asked, worry hidden beneath her professional work tone. "Did Sarah arrive yet?"

"I'm on my own, Lieutenant, but Sarah should be bere any minute, her plane landed about an hour ago. What's going on? What news are you talking about?"

Olivia could hear the apprehensive and fearful tone in her voice and she rubbed her hand over her face to, somehow, get the awful feeling, she was experiencing herself, to go away. "Lucas posted bail last night. He didn't show up for work today, he hasn't been to his house since and he's not answering any calls. Now, is there someone you could stay with for a while, just until things calm down or until he's been located. He's not suppose to get closer than five hundred feet of you but it would probably be best if you could stay somewhere else, just for a few days, maybe you could stay with Sarah?"

"Oh my god! Um, yeah... okay. I'll talk to her as soon as she gets here and... and I'll... Oh, hold on, there's someone at the door, must be Sarah."

Just as she could head Amanda open the door, her mind was screaming at her to tell the blonde not to open it, not to let the person who was standing behind it in, but it was too late. Her heart began to pound profusely, causing her head to almost explode from the intense rush of adrenaline as she heard a deep male voice snickering and Amanda's faint pleading. He had her. Lucas had Amanda.

"Amanda!? Amanda, are you there? Can you hear me?" there was only muffled sounds coming from the other end of the line and Olivia's whole body was wildly pumping, buzzing and boiling, desperate to find out what was happening. "I'm on my way, Amanda, just hold on!" she hung up and headed towards the door. "We gotta go. I'll explain on the way."

Sirens were blaring, tyres shrieking against the tarmac and Olivia's loud voice shouting out through the radio was all Fin could hear, see and feel. He had seen his boss, many times before, racing and speeding down the road to get to an emergency but this, this was new, even for Fin. He held onto his seatbelt and the car door as Liv swerved through bends and corners in a speed that could tear the hair from your scalp in the matter of seconds. He listened tentatively as the brunette informed him of what had happened during the phone call and he had never seen his partner so worried, scared and concerned for a rape victim. To him, it seemed almost personal.

They reached Amanda's apartment and Liv sprinted up the stairs, Fin not far behind, as they heard the sirens from their backup patrol. The door was unlocked and with their guns drawn they entered only to see the mess inside the hallway. Amanda had obviously tried to fight back, since there were signs of a struggle, and there were splatters of blood on the wall and floor, not much but enough for Olivia to worry.

"Get them to check the DNA, fingerprints, security footage outside the building and tell them to bag everything. This sick mother fucker is not getting away with this." she looked around the apartment, checking for signs or any clues of where he might have taken her, but there was nothing there that would be usefull or to help them find her.

"I'm gonna have Carisi to get a warrant for Lucas place, see if we can find anything there. You stay here, Fin. If her friend Sarah shows up, explain to her what's going on and send her home to her place."

"Sure, Lieutenant. I've got things covered here." Fin reassured just as Liv ran out the door, phone in hand, waiting for Carisi to pick up.

The young Italian detective was already waiting for his boss outside Lucas mansion on the upper east side, waving the warrant in his hand for the Lieutenant to see. "What do you expect to find, boss?" he asked as he followed Liv up the grand steps leading to the heavy front double doors. "Wow, this place is like Fort Knox."

Olivia wasted no time and kicked the door handle repeatedly until it broke and the door swung open, her foot painfully sore from the powerful blows and her head was again throbbing like a base drum at an orchestra. "Search for anything that might help us find Amanda, some place he could've taken her to or what his plans might be. Anything! I'll take upstairs, you search down here and call me if you find anything."

It was like walking through a royal castle. The high ceilings, huge bay windows, chandeliers and the wide curved staircase spoke of money that Liv could only dream of having. So much room, so spacious for just one man, she though as she quickly searched the first two bedrooms in the hallway before moving on to, which she assumed, the third. Nothing there either. Everything was so neat and tidy, not even one single dust particle was lingering in the air and the flooring was so shiny she could almost see her own reflection.

As she entered the fourth room, she became aware that it must be the master bedroom considering it's size. It was twice the size of the other bedrooms, with a huge balcony and an en suite with a jacuzzi the size of her own apartment. This must be where he sleeps, she thought and began to rummage through his closet, drawers, bedside lockers and anywhere else she could think of, desperate to find just one single clue of where he might've taken the blonde. Nothing stuck out, everything seemed to be in order, perfectly displayed and immaculate.

She could hear Carisi downstairs, looking through cupboards, closets, opening and closing doors and how he muttered to himself as he searched every nook and cranny. Liv sighed in defeat, sat down on the huge bed and rubbed her temples, feeling how her already splitting headache intensified. "Fuck!" she groaned and took a a deep breath, letting her head lull from side to side, loosening the tense muscles in her neck. That's when she caught something from the corner of her eye. A photo, a large framed picture of a yacht hanging up on the wall right next to the bed.

She remembered Amanda saying something about a yacht that he had bought not that long ago and she approached the enlarged image to see it clearer. Liv knew that every boat, ship of vessel had a name and as she got closer to the picture she could make out the name of the yacht before her and it read 'Poseidon'. The Lieutenant wasn't an expert in Greek Mythology but she knew that Poseidon was the god of the sea and water. Could he have taken her to his boat?

"Carisi! I think I've found something." she yelled at the top of her lungs as she snapped a picture of the photo with her phone.

The loud banging on the stairs indicated that the young detective was taking at least two steps at a time and he was slightly red faced and out of breath as he walked into the room. "Wow, I can feel my dinner coming back up. What did you find?"

"He has a yacht, Poseidon, he might have taken her there. Find out where, which marina, he docks in. I want this guy's balls crushed under the heel of my boot." she snarled while her eyes were still glued to the picture in front of her.

"No need, Lieutenant." Carisi stated. "That's the Sheepshead Bay Yacht Club. I recognise the buildings in the background. An old buddy of mine use to have a boat there."

Olivia was already halfway out the room before he finished his sentence. "Let's go!"

The drive to the Marina was just as intense as the trip to Amanda's apartment. Carisi had turned slightly pale in colour and was clutching onto the roof handle above the door as he mumbled a prayer, hoping they would get to their destination in one piece and preferably alive. Olivia had, once again, requested backup and also for a medic team to be on the spot, ready to assist. Liv had a bad feeling about this. Something told her that Amanda was on that boat, fighting for her life, fighting to stay alive. She just hoped that it wasn't too late.

As she pulled into the main entrance of the Marina, Carisi flung the door opened, before she had a chance to fully come to a halt, and threw up whatever he had eaten earlier. "Phew, there goes my lasange." he panted but managed to quickly stand up on two shakily legs and follow his boss who was already on the move. "According to the photo his yacht should be docked by the pier over there." he said and pointed towards one of the piers at the very end of the harbour and they quickly made a run for it.

Getting closer to the spot where Carisi had pointed to, they spotted a man, in his late forties, just about to take off on his own luxurious speedboat and Liv took the opportunity to question him about Poseidon. "Excuse me, NYPD, I'm looking for a yacht named Poseidon. Have you seen it or do you know where it's docked?" she showed him her badge and Carisi flashed his own shield, bending over slightly, as he felt his stomach turn again.

The man took a quick glance at the badges then pointed towards the open harbour. "Yeah, Lucas Diangelo, he just pulled out about ten minutes ago. Nice guy, always asks about my wife and kids. What do you want with him?"

Both Olivia and Carisi squinted their eyes at the evening sun and, sure enough, there was a boat about two miles out the harbour, on it's way out to open sea. "We need to confiscate your boat, sir. Police business." she made her way down the bridge towards the man. "Can you take us out there? We believe he has a hostage onboard and that she's in danger. We need to get out there!"

The man frowned at first, thinking it was some stupid joke or that he was being framed, but agreed to take them after seeing the guns holstered on their hips, realizing that it was serious and indeed police business. "Sure, come on."

Olivia could hear Carisi moan and whine from behind and she actually felt a bit sorry for him for having to go through a boat chase straight after tossing up his dinner. "This will be the end of me." he mumbled, as he got into the boat and sat down, gripping onto anything he could find, bracing himself for the speedy and bumpy journey ahead.

"Go." Olivia ordered and they soon felt the raw power of the engine working underneath them and the boat took off with an unimaginable speed.

It didn't take them long before the yacht in the distance got bigger as they approached it and, about a minute later, they were only a couple of hundred feet away. That's when Liv saw something that made her heart stop and her blood turn cold. What looked like a limp body of a woman was thrown overboard and into the sea with a loud spash, not resurfacing.

"Amanda!" Liv screamed, at the top of her lungs.


	7. Chapter 7

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 7

Carisi raised his weapon, ready to use it if he had to, and aimed it at Lucas, who was still standing on deck, looking at the approaching speedboat with fear in his eyes. The fear was not related to the gun drawn at him or fear of dying, it was fear and sheer terror that he had been caught red handed.

Olivia was on a mission and would not rest until she had completed it, whatever the outcome. As they pulled up along the side of the yacht, Carisi noticed a glare, a reflection of something metal and shiny located on Lucas hip, underneath his jacket. "NYPD, hands in the air and don't move." he shouted, still pointing his gun straight at him, hoping that he would surrender without a fight. He was wrong.

Lucas didn't think twice before reaching for his gun and, within less than a second, a shot was fired and a body slumped to the ground. Lucas body. After witnessing the man falling to the deck floor, Olivia didn't waste any time and threw herself into the freezing water where Amanda had disappeared beneath the surface only thirty seconds ago. The cold was a shock to her system and all she wanted to do was to gasp for breath as the freezing temperature penetrated her body, burrowing itself deep inside her bones. Amanda was more important right now, than to complain about cold water.

It was dark underneath the surface and her vision was extremely limited. She could barely see her own hand in front of her as she swam downwards into the deep unknown, searching for a body that could very well be resting at the bottom of the ocean right now, but she kept going anyway. Her lungs were screaming for air and she had no other choice but to resurface and take a deep breath before going back under again. The adrenaline was helping with the cold. She was determined to find her even though it was almost pitch black only three feet bellow her.

During her second attempt she suddenly felt something soft touching her left hand and, in the murky water, she could vaguely make out blonde hair, floating around like a halo around Amanda's face, making her look almost angelic. Quickly she wrapped her left arm around the blonde's waist and began to swim upwards, desperate to break the surface for another needed breath of air.

As their heads popped up, Carisi was leaning over the edge of the boat, ready to haul them both into safety and, with the help of the man, they pulled them back onboard, Liv gasping for breath and Amanda not breathing at all.

"Quick, Carisi, start chest compressions, I've got a pulse. It's faint but steady." together, they worked on bringing Amanda back as the man took them back into shore where the expected backup and ambulance were waiting for them.

"Come on, Amanda, don't die on me now." Olivia panted as Carisi pumped her chest over and over, causing the blonde's petite frame to almost bounce off the slippery flooring of the boat. She tilted Amanda's head back, pinched her nose and gave her mouth to mouth twice before Carisi continued the compressions.

As they got back onto dry land, Amanda still hadn't regained consciousness and they worked ferociously on her until the medics reached them and took over. "I'm gonna ride with her, Carisi. Inform them about Lucas and call Fin to let him know what's going on."

"Copy that, Lieutenant." he stated, his face still pale and pasty looking from his earlier vomiting session and the rollercoaster ride in the speedboat. He was glad to be back on dry land in one piece.

Liv was offerd a blanket inside the ambulance, which she wrapped around herself, trying to get her shivering body under control. Amanda looked pale and lifeless. You would think she was dead if it wasn't for the pulse still pumping and the brunette took one of her icy hands in her own as the paramedic placed a mask with, what looked like a platic bag attached to it, over her nose and mouth, pressing on it to let the air get into her starved lungs.

"How long was she in the water for?" the medic asked, while trying to cover Amanda's body with a tin foil blanket to keep her warm.

"About two minutes. She was unconscious going in but I... I don't know for how long. Will she make it?"

"We're gonna do everything we can." he replied, without looking at Olivia, too busy tending to the blonde's needs, doing his best to keep her alive. "We should be at the hospital soon." he informed and, as they arrived at the emergency bay, Amanda miraculously coughed and gasped for breath, whimpering softly, her eyes still closed.

"Hey, Amanda, can you hear me? It's Olivia, your going be okay, honey, you're going to be okay." there was no response from the blonde, just a disturbing gurgling sound escaped her lips as she threw up a good amount of sea water that she must've swallowed. The paramedic urged for Olivia to help him turn her over onto her side to clear the air way so she wouldn't choke on her own bile.

"She's got fluids in her lungs. We need to move quicky." as soon as the back of the ambulance opened, they pushed the gurney out and a large team of doctors and nurses surrounded the semi conscious woman, working fast and efficient to save her life.

Olivia watched as they hurried down the corridor and disappeared behind a corner, leaving her standing there, shivering, freezing cold, worried and alone. Eventually a nurse came up with a pair of scrubs and a blanket for her to change into while she waited for any news or updates on Amanda's condition, the blonde's ghostly pale features never leaving her mind.

It took time before she stopped shivering completely. The cold seemed to linger and have a fierce hold of her body but after about an hour she felt warm enough to relax her shoulders and loosen the blanket around her. She felt dizzy and slightly nauseous, due to her healing concussion, but she pushed through, asking a nurse for a glass of water and some pain relievers to deal with the pounding headache that had began to form.

Her phone rang and she jumped at the sudden loud tone. It was Fin. "Carisi told me what happened. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Where are you? How's Amanda doing?"

So many questions all at once caused her head to almost explode but she swallowed her pain, knowing that the meds would soon kick in and she would feel better. "I'm okay, Fin, I'm okay. I'm at the hospital waiting for news about how Amanda is doing. Did Sarah show up?"

She could hear him letting out a breath in relief after hearing that she was okay and unhurt. "Yeah, she did. I told her what had happened and I literally had to push her out the door telling her to go home and take care of herself until we could locate Amanda. She was close to hysterical. I'll call her again, tell her where you are and that Amanda has been found. Are you sure you're okay? Do you need anything at all?"

"I'm okay, Fin, honestly. Just a headache but they gave me something for it. Tell Sarah I'll be waiting for her here."

"Will do, boss."

Another twenty minutes passed before a doctor finally came out with some news. "She's a lucky girl. There was a significant amount of fluids in her lungs, we managed to clear most of it but she still has a drainage tube to get the last bit out. She also has a concussion from a blow to the head, minor cuts and bruises and a sprained wrist."

"Thank god." Liv exhaled, feeling so much lighter and relaxed now that she knew Amanda was going to be okay. "Is she awake?"

"She's slipping in and out of consciousness but she is coherent, she knows where she is, who she is and what happened to her. She's also slightly hypothermic so she's wrapped up in blankets and warm compressors to warm her up slowly. She's down the hall to the left, room 156. We'll be keeping her here for a couple of days just to make sure her lungs will completely clear."

Just as Liv was about to pay Amanda a visit, a woman came through the door looking very lost and scared. She was tall, light brown hair, wearing black skinny jeans, a dark green blouse peeked out from underneath a warm jacket and Liv could see that she had been crying. "Sarah?"

The woman looked at her, eyes red and puffy. "Are you Lieutenant Olivia Benson? A sergeant Tutuola said I could find you here."

"Yes. Yes, I am." they shook hands and Liv explained straight away that Amanda was going to be fine but had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days for observation. "Come on, why don't I take you to her. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."

None of then were prepared for the horrific sight in front of them as they entered the quiet room. Amanda looked like a small child, wrapped up in so many blankets that only her head was visible. Her pale skin almost seemed translucent, her lips still wore a light shade of blue and it looked like she had lost weight during the past twenty-four hours even though that was impossible. She just appeared so small and fragile, like a china doll that people collect and put on display for others to look at.

Sarah gasped as she spotted her friend in such a bad state and the tears welled in her eyes, spilling over and down onto her flushed cheeks. "Oh god!" she whispered and took a few tentative steps closer. She was almost afraid to touch her in case she would break, or injure her further, so she kept her hands hovering above the slumbering form, not sure what to do with them.

Olivia swallowed her own tears, not knowing why she even felt so strongly or such a powerful gravity to this woman. Maybe it was the shock that was finally kicking in or perhaps the overwhelming thought that Amanda could've easily died on that boat, after fighting so hard to keep her alive. Maybe all the emotions were just too raw and too much to handle right now.

The brunete stepped closer and placed one hand on Sarah's shoulder while the other gently lowered the other woman's hovering ones. "She's gonna be okay. That's all that matters." Liv whispered as softly as she could, finding it hard to speak due to the array of feelings that were buzzing through her mind and body.

Then Sarah did something that completely took Olivia by surprise. She literally threw herself into the Lieutenant's arms, her face hidden pressed against her shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably while repeating the same word over and over. "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

Slowly, Olivia embraced the crying woman, that she had only met for the first time a few minutes ago, and held on tight, feeling like they both probably needed it. "You're welcome. I'm just glad me and my partner got there in time."

They stayed in the embrace for a full minute before a soft but raspy voice interrupted them. "Sa... Sarah?" she struggled to open her eyes, her eyeslids feeling so heavy and thick, but managed to open them just enough to see through a small slit. "Sarah... is that... you?" she moved her head but regretted it straight away as a burning pain shot through her skull, causing her to hiss and moan in discomfort.

"Shh, yeah honey, it's me. Don't move too much, okay. You've got a concussion, a sprained wrist and minor cuts and bruises. You also have some fluids in your lungs that they are draining as we speak so you have to take it easy, Manda." she stroked her fingers across her friend's pasty cheek. "Are you in any pain right now? How are you feeling?"

"Ju... st cold. Tired." Amanda replied weakly, a visible shiver ran through her tightly wrapped frame.

Olivia stepped in. "The doctors are warming you up slowly to avoid shock. You gave us quite the scare, missy." she said while approaching the bed, smiling softly, her head cocked to one side and her eyes full of care and concern.

"Olivia?" Amanda faintly whispered as she became aware of the older woman's presence. "Wh... what are you... why are you..."

"Olivia saved your life, honey. She got you out of the water and kept you alive until the paramedics arrived. You came to just as they pulled into the emergency bay but you're gonna be okay." Sarah explained, brushing blonde, slightly damp, hair away from her forehead. "You're gonna be okay."

Blue eyes locked with brown and there was a silent connection between the two women. No words were necessary as the gratitude, the relief and the thankfulness spoke for themselves through the teary pale blue orbs. Her throat closed up from all the emotions she was experiencing but she did manage to pull out her arm from beneath the pile of blankets and reached her heand out, waiting for Olivia to accept it.

Still smiling softly, the tall brunette took one step closer to the bed, her knees now touching the metal frame, and took a firm hold of the icy hand. "It's okay, you're safe. Lucas is dead and he'll never hurt you or anyone else ever again." she soothed and used her other hand to enveloped the cold one, rubbing it gently in an attempt to warm it up quicker. "You're gonna be okay." she then whispered, her eyes filling up with warm salty droplets but blinked them away before they had a chance to fall.

"You should get some rest, sweetie. I'll stay here with you for awhile." Sarah offered, bent down and kissed Amanda's forehead gently.

"S'okay. You've been traveling all day and it's late... I think." she frowned in confusion. "Is it late?"

Olivia chuckled lightly, her hands still wrapped around Amanda's, hoping she was providing some kind of comfort and reassurance. "Yeah, it's so late it's actually early." she grinned. "It's almost three am."

The blonde raised her eyebrows in shock. "You should both go home and get some sleep. I'm okay, really." she argued, feeling bad that they had wasted their time in a hospital when they could be at home or at work doing more productive things than waiting and looking at a sleeping figure.

"I'm not going anywhere." Sarah said stubbornly and took a seat in a plastic chair next to the bed. "I'm staying right here." she looked at Olivia. "You must be freezing, Lieutenant. Your hair is still damp and I doubt that those scrubs you're wearing are providing any heat at all."

Olivia looked down at her temporary attire and chuckled. "Yeah, they're not made for comfort, I can tell you that." squeezing Amanda's cold hand, she reluctantly let go. "I'm glad you're okay, Amanda. You've got my number if there's anything you need, even if you just want to talk. Take care of yourself." she turned to Sarah. "Take care of each other."

As she slowly walked out of the hospital, dragging her feet behind, a wave of sadness hit her strongly. With a plastic bag, that contained her wet clothing, she hung her head so her tears wouldn't be noticed by people she knew or even by strangers as she exited the building, hailed a cab and headed home, exhausted after the physically and emotionally strained day. She would let the guys at the precinct know tomorrow morning that she would be in later than usual since she had stayed up most of the night, waiting to hear any news about Amanda.

The bed was calling her name but first a long warm shower, to heat up her chilled body, to help her relax and sleep until she had to face another day at SVU.

She found it hard to fall asleep. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Amanda's limp and unconscious body being tossed over the railing of the yacht, plummeting into the freezing water and disappear down into the murky depth. She had saved a lot of people over the years by using her gun, her words or her fists but never had she been in a situation where she had no choice but to dive into the sea to save someone from drowning.

She wondered if she was sleeping right now. Was she awake? Having nightmares or night terrors about the attack? Was she okay? Was she warm enough? Was she safe? Was Sarah still there? Was she helping Amanda through this? Was she comforting her, soothing her and holding her if she needed it? Olivia would, if she could be there. She wanted to be there, to offer all those things to the younger woman so she would feel safe and protected again but, Sarah was there instead, taking care of those things that she wanted to do. That she really wanted to do.

Eventually, after a long silent debate with herself, she fell into a deep sleep around five am and didn't wake until her alarm went of six hours later. Though she was still tired, her head felt light and normal again, she was warm and cozy inside her own bed and she was happy that Amanda was safe and that she had Sarah to support her through the recovery. The more she thought about it, thought about Sarah being the one to hold her hand and guide her through the storm, the more she became aware that she was jealous, jealous of Sarah.


	8. Chapter 8

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 8

 **Thank you everyone for awesome reviews. This is kind of an emotional chapter but, since I'm in to that kind of stuff, I just couldn't help myself. Thanks again.**

"Hey, Lieutenant! How's the head?" Carisi asked while handing her a cup of coffee as she walked into the precinct early on a thursday morning, over a week since she had saved Amanda from the freezing waters.

"It's been almost two weeks since the accident, Carisi, I'm fine but thanks for asking and thanks for the coffee. Where's Fin?" she looked around the large busy room and found her partner's desk empty.

"He's testifying in court in the Brown's case, remember?" the young man added. "He should be back in about an hour or so. Hey, how's Miss Rollins doing? Have you spoken to her recently?"

"Um, no. Should I have?" Liv asked and sipped her morning brew as she entered her office, Carisi still behind.

"I don't know. It's just that... she called your office last night, after you had left, and she sounded a bit... I don't know, upset. I just figured she'd call your cell if it was important."

Olivia immediately stopped and turned, a deep frown covered her features. "She called? What did she want? Did she say anything? Why didn't you tell me sooner? Never mind. Did she leave a message or anything?"

Now it was Carisi's turn to frown, as he witnessed his boss concerned behaviour, thinking it was a bit odd that she appeared to be so worried about someone she didn't even know. "Um, no, she didn't leave a message. She just asked for you, I said you had left for the day and she said something about calling your cell instead."

What did Amanda want? Had something else happened to her? Why would she be calling her out of the blue? She tried to stay calm, not wanting to show her detective how worried she was but it didn't seem to work as Carisi placed a hand on her shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "Im sure she's fine but I think you should call her back."

Closing the door behind him as he left, she sat down by her own desk, fidgeting with the phone in her hands in a restless manner before she found the blonde's number in here contacts. It rang five times before she decided to hand up, thinking the blonde might still be asleep of just not available, but suddenly a tired and slightly raspy voice answered.

"Hello?"

Shit, I probably woke her up, Liv thought, as it was still quite early. "Amanda, hi. Were you asleep? Did I wake you up? I can call back later if you want?"

"No, no, it's... it's fine, Lieutenant, I... I was awake." she stuttered.

"Okay, good. Um, my detective told me that you rang my office last night. I'm sorry I wasn't here to pick up, I had left already. Are you okay?" she spoke in a non threatening voice, keeping it low and soft, not wanting to upset or make the younger woman uncomfortable or nervous.

"Yeah, um... it... it was nothing, really! I... I shouldn't have rang, I'm okay, everything is fine." she lied, trying to keep her own voice steady and confident, hiding the fact that she was indeed upset and very emotional.

Olivia's face softened, even though Amanda was not able to see her facial expressions, and she smiled softly into the phone. "You sound a bit upset. You could've rang my cell, you know. I told you that I always answer. Did something happen, are you okay?"

There was no answer coming from the other line and Liv frowned and tried again. "Amanda, you okay?" still nothing, except a shuddering breath and a weak sniffle that was barely noticeable but Olivia was good at picking those things up after working with victims for so many years. "Amanda, I need to know if you're okay? Are you hurt? Sick? What's going on?"

There was a slight pause before Amanda let out another shaky breath, obviously trying to calm herself down, not wanting Olivia to know that she was crying. "I'm... okay, Lieutenant. I'm... I'm sorry if I disturbed you."

"Hey, Amanda, it's okay. You're not disturbing me, not at all." she soothed warmly, feeling her chest tighten at the soft whimpers and cries that the blonde tried so hard not to let out. "Are you crying, honey? Are you upset?" all she wanted to do was to comfort this woman, to make her feel safe and cared for but it was difficult to do over the phone. "Can you please answer me, Amanda? I need to know, honey."

After the endearment slipped, the floodgates opened and the blonde had a hard time to speak or even form a proper sentense. "I'm sorry." she cried, breaking down in sobs, gripping the device tightly in her hand. "I didn't mean to... I... I'm not... I shouldn't have called, I... I'm so... I'm sorry, I... I didn't... I shouldn't..."

"Hey, easy, slow down Amanda. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Come on, you can do it."

Amanda couldn't do it. She tried, she really did, but her body wouldn't listen and it caused her to panic even more until she was struggling to take a breath and her lungs were staving for some air. "Okay, Amanda, I'm gonna stay on the phone with you while I'm driving to your place, okay? Are you at home? Can you tell me if you're home, honey? I need to know if you're at your apartment?" the tall brunette was already out the door, signaling to Carisi that she was heading out for a while.

"Y... ye... s." Amanda wheezed, followed by a strangled sob and a cough that sounded more like a tortured whimper than anything else.

"Shh, okay, okay! I'm on my way, just stay on the phone with me, okay? I'll be there in fifteen minutes." Liv reassured as she got back into her car and switched Bluetooth so she could easily try to calm the woman as she was driving. "You're gonna be okay, just hang in there."

It was the longest fifteen minutes in history as Olivia swerved, turned and drove through the streets of Manhattan, glad that the worst of the morning traffic had already eased up. She could only imagine how long it must feel for Amanda. Fifteen minutes probably felt more like fifteen hours when the only thing she could do was to gasp for breath, feeling as though she was slowly dying.

"Okay, I'm here, Amanda. I'm right outside your apartment building. Can you unlock the door for me so I can get in?" silence. "Please, honey, open the door." she flew up the steps, as she didn't feel like she had time to wait for the elevator, and jogged all the way down the corridor, approaching Amanda's door and she could hear it click as she got closer. "Okay, I'm gonna hang up now, I'm right outside."

She shoved her phone into the pocket of her coat, took a deep breath and entered the apartment, immediately spotting Amanda by the kitchen table, grasping onto one of the chairs, bent forward at the waist, strugglig and gasping for air. She kicked the door closed and tentatively walked up to the distraught woman, hands held out in front of her to show that she meant no harm.

"Hey, Amanda, it's me. How are you holding up?" she whispered, mentally kicking herself since it was clearly a stupid question and quite obvious that the blonde wasn't doing okay at all. When Amanda didn't answer, her eyes travelled towards her hands and noticed how tightly she was holding onto the backrest of the chair, her knuckles white and arms shaking from the strong grip. "Relax, Amanda." she cooed gently and carefully took a step closer. "Relax your hands, you're gonna hurt yourself... or the chair." smiling softly, she hoped she could reach the extremely upset woman by adding some light into the difficult situation but it didn't seem to have any affect as Amanda didn't let go.

Carefully, Liv reached out and tenderly laid her own hands on top of Amanda's, slightly taken aback by how cold her skin was. "Amanda, can you hear me? Can you look at me?" it took another few attempts of gentle coaxing before blue eyes suddenly blinked and she seemed to come around. "That's good, honey, that's good. Come on, let's sit down on the couch so we can talk for a bit or we don't have to talk at all, it's up to you, but I do think it's important that you tell me what's going on so I can help."

Amanda let go of the chair, her fingers and knuckles slowly returning to their normal pinkish colour as the blood circulation kicked in again. She looked up at Olivia's soft and caring features and she broke once again, feeling so embarrassed and ashamed for crying hysterically in front of someone she barely knew. "I'm sorry... I... I'm... I'm sorry... I'm sor..."

Liv took a chance and gently placed her palm on Amanda's heaving chest, feeling how rapidly her heart was beating and how hard it seemed for her to just take a normal breath. "Easy, honey, easy." she rubbed her thumb across the material of her shirt in a soothing motion, willing her heart to calm. "There's nothing to apologize for. I'm glad you called me, I really am, but I need to know what's going on so I can help. Think you can tell me why you're so upset, honey?"

She managed to get Amanda seated on the couch, wrapped in a blanket as Liv sat down next to her, taking a still cold hand in hers, rubbing her thumb back and forth against the smooth surface of her skin. She wasn't even sure if Amanda was able to talk so she decided to gently probe her with questions, hoping that it would be easier for her to open up that way.

"Did you have a bad dream?" Amanda shook her head. "Are you hurt anywhere?" another shake. "Did you have a flashback or a panic attack?" this time there was a shaky nod and Liv knew she was on the right track. "Are you scared, honey? Are you afraid to be on your own after everything that has happened?"

"Ye... yes." she croaked, tears flooding her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." she cried and hid her face in her hands, instantly missing the warmth of Olivia's touch.

"Hey, don't hide away from me, honey." she gently began to remove Amanda's hands, being as careful as she could. "It's okay to cry, honey, and you have nothing to be sorry for, you hear me? Nothing at all."

Amanda was so embarrassed for breaking down into an almost hysterical state in front of someone she barely knew. She wasn't that kind of person that would easily cry or get overly emotional but after what she had recently been through, the trauma of being raped, beaten, kidnapped and thrown into the sea to die, her whole internal demeanor had changed into someone that Amanda wasn't sure she could handle. It was too much, too fast and she didn't know how to stop herself from feeling so vulnerable, weak and scared all the time. It was horrible and she felt so out of control, like it wasn't her body anymore.

"I'm... I'm just so scared... all the time." she sobbed. "Every... every time I close my eyes I... I see... I see him, standing there... looking at me... grinning. I dream about him, I... I see him everywhere. I can't escape it, I... I can't... I can't esca... escape it, I can't..."

"Shhh, sweetie, come here, come here. It's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you, I just want to help you calm down, okay? Come here." she cooed and held her arms out, inviting Amanda into a warm and safe embrace which the crying blonde accepted even though she was reluctant to. As she felt the Lieutenant's strong arms wrap around her shoulders and middle she desperately clung to the brunette, afraid that she might leave or disappear in a cloud of smoke without warning. She needed this, needed something to hold on to, someone to anchor her to the present, a safe present, and stay there with her for awhile until she felt safe enough to let go.

"Oh, sweetheart, easy, I'm right here with you and nothing bad is going to happen, I promise you that." she stroked the blonde tresses, brushing against the scalp with her fingers, soothing and comforting in any way possible. "Where's Sarah? Would you like me to call her for you? You two seem so close, it would be a good thing if she was here with you."

Amanda felt herself shudder against the brunette strong frame, feeling her secure arms tighten around her. "Sarah great, fam... family emerge... emergency... uncle died... two days gone... not bother her... I... I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

She couldn't get a full sentence to pass through her lips. She just hoped that Olivia would understand her incoherent rambling, to pick up a few words and put two and two together, and Olivia did. She did understand and she felt her own chest tighten at the thought of Amanda being alone, scared and going out of her mind with fear the past couple of days without the person she needed the most.

"Okay, honey, okay. Shhh, easy, breath for me, just breath." she soothed while stroking the quivering back, feeling the material of Amanda's shirt had turned damp from sweat due to her anxiety and fear. "Come on, let's get you changed into something more comfortable, something warm and dry." she began to pull away but the blonde refused to let go, she wasn't ready. "Okay, honey, we're gonna stay like this for a few more minutes until you feel better and then we'll come up with a plan of what to do, okay? Sounds good?"

She felt Amanda nod against her shoulder and she tightened her hold of the shaking woman in her arms, resisting the urge to plant a kiss on a flushed temple. "You're gonna be okay, sweetie. I promise you that everything will be okay."

Olivia felt her own eyes burn, stinging from unshed tears, emotions welling up inside her chest and she pulled the blonde impossibility closer, soothing her and calming her to the best of her ability. "You know, the first time it happened to me, I was working undercover at a female prison. One of the male guards, who was working there, was raping the inmates and I..." she took a shuddering breath and gathered herself before continuing. "The guard took me downstairs to a basement and he... he, um,... he would've raped me if my partner hadn't shown up just in time. We got the bastard anyway and I was fine for a couple of months after that but... somehow it caught up to me and I began having flashbacks, nightmares, panick attacks, you name it and I realized that maybe I needed some professional help."

Long slender fingers played with a stray lock of Amanda's hair. The feeling and movement felt so familiar, so domestic and so right that she didn't even notice herself doing it. "The second time we caught this guy, exposing himself in public. We arrested him and he turned out to be this deranged sociopath who, somehow, got fixated on me. Anyway, we had to let him go, due to lack of evidence and when I arrived home, later that day, he was in my apartment, waiting for me. He knocked me unconscious, drugged me, kidnapped me, held me for two days without food or water. The only thing he gave me was alcohol and drugs. He made sexual advances but I knew that putting up a fight would only excite him more so I just laid there and he eventually gave up."

Amanda had calmed significantly, listening to Olivia's story, the worst experience of her life and the aftermath of it all. Even though the contents of her story was horrific and unimaginable, her words and her voice was soothing and had a calming effect on the younger woman. She unconsciously snuggled deeper into the embrace she was currently in and just continued to listen.

"I, somehow, managed to break free from my restraints and I did what I had to do to subdue him and then I called my squad for backup." she paused while contemplating telling Amanda about what had happened next and decided to let her know, even though she wasn't proud of what she had done.

"While I was waiting for my team to show up, he began to mentally torment me, digging into my past, my childhood and my father. He must have had some sort of inkling that I never had a father figure in my life and he started to ask questions about it. He really got to me, not just mentally but also emotionally and physiologically. Something snapped inside of me and I picked up this metal bar, that had fallen off the bed frame where he had tied me down, and I started hitting him with it, over and over again until he shut up."

Her emotions got the better of her and she felt her eyes tear up and her voice became shaky and unsteady but she kept going, needing to finish what she had started and she also had a feeling that Amanda wanted to know what had happened. "Im not proud of what I did. I beat the crap out of an unarmed and already subdued man and I can never take that back. If time could be reversed I would have done things differently. I now have to live with the regret for the rest of my life and even though he did terrible things to me, and to other people, I still wish that I hadn't done what I did."

Amanda pulled away slightly, just enough to establish eye contact, looking straight into dark brown, searching for something, maybe an answer or a sign that things will be okay even though life had thrown you lemons and other unimaginably nasty things. "How did you survive after that? How did you manage to overcome it?"

Smiling softly down at the pretty face beneath her chin, Olivia gave in to the strong urge and caressed a smooth cheek with her knuckles, relishing the touch and let her hand linger for a second longer than appropriate. "I still haven't overcome it and I don't think I ever will. It's now a part of me and all I can do is accept it, deal with it and try to get past it. It's a process that takes time, a lot of effort and many therapy sessions, which I still attend now and again, but it does get easier as you learn how to deal and cope with what you went through. I'm doing okay now, I'm doing pretty good actually but I always book myself an appointment now and then just to be proactive and touch base. It helps. It helps a lot."

"I'm so sorry you went through that." Amanda whispered, her eyes still locked with Olivia's and they held nothing but honesty and empathy for the Lieutenant and what she had endorsed. "I really am."

Smiling again, Olivia tugged the blonde closer and sighed in content. "Don't be sorry. I just want you to know that I get it and that I know how rough things can get if you don't deal with things in a proper and structural way. It's easy to ignore and push aside the things, feelings and thoughts that are uncomfortable and scary but it's not a healthy way to process things. I'm here to listen to you and support you but there's only so much I can do and I'm not a professional, honey. What I'm trying to say is that it's better to deal with things head on sometimes. Don't wait around and don't ignore what frightens you because it will only cause more damage. Would you like me to give you some numbers of a few good therapists or councillors that you can get in contact with that specializes in rape trauma syndrome and PTSD?"

The word rape caused a shiver to run down Amanda's spine. It was such an ugly and revolting word and it would take her a lot of time before she could associate the word with herself.

"Okay." she whispered and nodded her head against the material of Olivia's shirt, the older woman's soothing scent draped over her like a blanket of warmth and protection. "Thank you."


	9. Chapter 9

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 9

 **Hi guys. Sorry for the slight delay and absence the past couple of weeks. My mom isn't doing so good so I had to fly home to my parents and had to stay for awhile so I obviously didn't get much time to write.**

 **Anyway, here's the latest update and I hope you enjoy it.**

Amanda fought against the warmth and comfort of Olivia's arms. She didn't want to fall asleep, didn't want to embarrass herself any further by nodding off, wrapped in this woman's arms, a woman she barely knew. She was exhausted, tired to the bone from not sleeping properly, or hardly at all, for the past week and it was now catching up to her, now when she was safe and soothed in the most loving embrace that she could ever remember being wrapped in. She didn't want to let go, didn't want Olivia to let go but she knew the inevitable would come, sooner rather than later.

The brunette felt the petite frame in her arms gradually turn limp and heavy. She knew that Amanda was only minutes, perhaps seconds, away from falling asleep and, no matter how much she wanted to continue to hold and offer comfort to this woman, she knew that the blonde wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in a semi upright position with her neck slightly crooked as she had hid her face against Olivia's shoulder.

"Amanda? Amanda, come on, honey. Why don't you go to bed for a while, you must be exhausted." she gently nudged the resting form by rubbing up and down her arm, willing her to wake.

Amanda inhaled sharply, sat up and rubbed her hands over her face, trying to somehow erase the sleepiness out of her eyes. "Sorry, I'm so sorry, I... I didn't mean to fall asleep on you like that, I... I don't know what came over me." she rambled on as her cheeks turned a deep shade of pink. "Thank you for... well, for everything. I swear I'm not usually this... this weak and pathetic." she chuckled nervously and stood up.

"Amanda," Liv said softly and joined the blonde, who was now standing in the middle of the livingroom, looking slightly lost and small. "You're not weak and you're not pathetic. Look what you've survived so far in just the space of a couple of weeks. You're not giving yourself enough credit." she watched as Amanda shrugged her shoulders while keeping her gaze lowered onto the floor, feeling so tired, scared, weak and helpless. "Come on." Liv repeated. "I'll stay until you fall asleep."

The exhausted blonde removed her damp top and changed into a dry one, feeling slightly better already as the softness of the material caressed her skin. She slid underneath the covers, her eyes heavy and dry from the lack of proper sleep or rest and she found herself almost instantly slipping into a deep slumber even though she tried to fight it, afraid of the nightmares that would surely rear their ugly faces. "Don't fight it, Amanda. You need to sleep in order to heal. I promise I'll stay right here until you fall asleep. I'll leave my therapist's number before I go, it's just for a referral. I'm gonna tell him to expect your call within the next couple of days, okay? It's important that you go, honey."

Amanda had her blue eyes half opened, humming in response, looking at Olivia as she pulled the duvet further up, covering the curled up form. Again, the sudden movement and action felt overwhelmingly familiar and domestic, as if they were a couple and tucking in her girlfriend for the night, wishing her sweet dreams. The only thing that would make the scene complete was to place a loving kiss on each other's lips and declare their love for one another.

It didn't take long before Amanda had drifted off into the land of dreams, her breathing deep and even and her face relaxed and peaceful. Olivia just stood there, looking down at the slumbering form and really took her time to fully take in the beauty before her. Blonde hair was fanned out on the fluffy pillow, her clear complexion looked so innocent and angelic, her chest steadily rising and falling with each breath and her pink lips slightly parted, causing soft snores to escape.

She realized that it was still early in the morning, just after 9 am to be precise, and Olivia had to get back to the station. She was the boss after all and had to set a good example for her detectives but she found it awfully difficult to leave the younger woman like this. She was obviously sleeping peacefully at the moment but what if she woke up from a nightmare, let's say about an hour from now, screaming, sweating and panting in fear, cowering underneath the covers and crying pitifully. The images of an upset Amanda played over and over inside her mind until she had to shake her head, vigorously, to get rid of the awful pictures and scenarios. Don't go there, she quietly told herself, took one last glance at the blonde, left her therapist's number on the kitchen table and made herself scarce.

"She alright?" Carisi questioned as Olivia entered the squad room for the second time that morning, deep in thoughts and slightly distracted.

"Um, yeah, she's... she's okay." she didn't want Carisi, or anyone else for that matter, to know how concerned she was when it came to Amanda's well being. It just didn't seem professional.

"She sounded pretty upset on the phone. You sure she's alright?"

Liv stopped and sighed deeply. "Yes, she was upset. Wouldn't you be if you had been raped, then abducted and then thrown overboard into a freezing sea, left to die? I think I would be pretty upset too." she snapped and entered her office. She knew Carisi only meant well but she couldn't help feeling that he was trying to get something out of her, putting his nose in where it doesn't belong and hoping to find out what it was.

"Sorry, Lieutenant, I... I didn't mean any disrespect, I just..."

"No, I'm sorry." Olivia sat down by her desk, elbows on the smooth wooden surface and her head leaning heavily into her hands. "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I'm just worried about her that's all and I know what you're gonna say; that I shouldn't get too involved, to put some distance between myself and my feelings towards her and what I..."

"Your feelings towards her?" Carisi interrupted, his eyebrows shot up, surprised and bewildered by his boss's comment but a smirk lingered on his lips.

Shit, Olivia thought and mentally kicked herself for being so careless and thoughtless. She closed her eyes, let out a grunting sigh in dismay and frustration. "I'm just... I... she's... I'm just saying that..."

"I know." the young Italian cut her off again, hoping to spare his boss some of the stress and awkwardness. "She's a very attractive woman and it's only natural to feel drawn to her and..."

"Carisi!" Olivia said firmly, eyebrows shot up and her lips were tightly pressed together into a thin line, somewhat threatening. "Don't you have paperwork to be doing?"

"Yes, Lieutenant, sorry I eh... I... yeah, sorry!" he scurried away with his head slightly bent like a little school boy who had been told off and punished for being bold.

Olivia didn't know how to wrap her mind around this woman. She was no longer a case that needed solving, she was a victim, now a survivor and, just like any other case, she should be able to move on and function normally, to go about her work day as usual, but for some reason she found it extremely hard to not let her thought wander in the direction of the pretty blonde. It somewhat scared her, that Amanda had such an affect on her but she was also intrigued and surprisingly overwhelmed by the strong aura that the younger woman possessed. She couldn't put a finger on what it was about her that made her so special and different from the survivors, that passed through the doors every day, but she wanted to find out.

The day was dragging already and it was only just after ten am. She had another seven hours to go before her shift was officially over but a case could emerge at any given time, not caring whether it was morning, noon or evening. Shift work was very different at SVU than any other department within the NYPD and it was something she had gotten use to as a rookie.

To get her day going she rang her therapist, told him that he should expect a phone call from Amanda, hopefully within a couple of days and also booked an appointment for herself for next week, feeling that she needed one.

The sun was setting and it wouldn't take long before it would go completely dark and the streetlights to take over. There was a chill in the air, not cold, but enough to cause the occasional shiver. Olivia shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket, as she got closer to dr Lindström's office, and stiffled a yawn. It had been a hectic week at precinct, more so than usual, and she was almost dead on her feet, slightly regretting that she had booked the appointment because all she wanted to do was to get home, sit on the couch with a glass of wine and watch shitty tv.

As she approached the steps to the tall building, she spotted a petite figure scurrying down the short stairs, head bowed and shoulders up to the ears, an obvious defensive and submissive behaviour. Probably a patient who had a rough session, Olivia thought as the small huddled figure came closer. Something seemed very familiar about the person approaching her in a fast paced manner and she got a shock when she saw the person's face, now only two feet away.

"Amanda?" she stated, clearly surprised to bump into the blonde right here and right now, but it was certainly a pleasant surprise. The tears in Amanda's eyes caught her off guard and the small woman looked as if she was terrified and about to bolt any second, a deer caught in the headlights look. "You okay, honey?" she had to watch her mouth with the repeated endearments that seemed to uncontrollably slip out when she was around this beautiful blonde.

Amanda visibly swallowed, her blue eyes flickering around, blinking rapidly to get rid of the tears that kept falling. "I... I'm okay." she stuttered in a low voice and started to pass Olivia out on the sidewalk, to get away from the brunette, but she was stopped by a firm but gente hand on her shoulder, keeping her in place.

"No, you're not, Amanda. I can see that you're crying, honey. Did you talk to dr Lindström? Did he refer you to someone?" Liv asked gently, her hand still resting on a petite but well defined shoulder.

"I'm pregnant. " Amanda suddenly blurted out in a voice she, herself, didn't recognise. "I'm pregnant with my rapist's baby." Her tone was calm and even, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to spontaneously break news just like that, completely out of the blue. Her eyes were focused on the brunette's but it was as if she was looking straight through her and not at her. It worried Olivia. It worried her a lot.

She took a tentative step closer to the seemingly catatonic woman and gently ran her hand down a rigid arm, her fingers brushing against the coarse material of her woolen coat. "I'm so sorry, Amanda." she whispered, her eyes trying to meet the blue orbs that held nothing but emptiness and sorrow. "Did you talk to dr Lindström about it? Did you tell him?" when she got no reply, she tenderly graced her fingertips down a smooth cheek and was taken aback at the softness of her fair skin. "Amanda, honey?"

The blonde inhaled suddenly and her gace became fixed on the older woman's kind and concerned brown eyes. Her breathing changed from normal to a heavy and laboured panting that caught Olivia off guard, not sure how to help Amanda in the middle of a street in New York City, people passing by, throwing strange looks towards the duo. The taller woman lovingly pulled the distraught blonde into her arms and held her tightly to her chest, not sure what else to do, and softly ran her fingers through fair, slightly tangled, tresses,

"You're okay, Amanda, you're okay. Just breath with me, okay? In and out slowly, that's it, that's it honey." she soothed as she felt the stiff body in her arms relax slightly after Olivia's gentle coaxing. After pulling away, she gazed into the red rimmed blue eyes that still held a fair amount of unshed tears, and ducked her head down to get a better view of Amanda's face.

"You wanna go somewhere and talk?" Liv suggested, not wanting to leave the woman alone in her upset and distressed mind.

"Wh... you... I... I don't wanna bother you, I... I'll be fine." she didn't know if she was trying to convince Olivia or herself that she was alright and okay to be left to her own devices and that the brunette shouldn't be worried. However, Olivia wasn't fooled easily as she heard the shakiness in Amanda's voice and also her facial expressions spoke of sadness and uncertainty with a hint of fear hiding behind her eyes.

"You're no bother, Amanda. Let me just call dr Lindström and reschedule my appointment."

"NO!" Amanda almost yelled, startling Olivia as she was just about to fish her phone out of her pocket. "I... I mean, don't cancel just because of me. You should attend your appointment, Lieutenant. I... I don't even know why I told you all this. I'm... I'll be okay." she made an attempt to brush past the older woman but she lost her footing somehow and felt herself slowly falling towards the cold, hard and dirty sidewalk, preparing herself for the inevitable... but the inevitable never happened. Instead, she found herself in a secure embrace, once again, strong arms holding her up only a few inches from the ground.

"Whoa, I've got you, honey. You're okay." she pulled them both up to an upright position, Amanda shaking against her chest. "Shh, easy, you're okay, you're okay." quickly she rang her therapist and rescheduled for next week, telling him that something had come up at work and she couldn't find the time or ability to leave. "Come on, my apartment is only a few blocks from here."

Amanda didn't utter a word as Olivia guided them both down the street, her arm still securely wrapped around the smaller woman's waist for support and comfort. It was both funny and strange how this woman could have such a strong effect on the usual stoic and no nonsense Lieutenant, but it seemed as all her senses, plus her common sense, flew out the window when it came to Amanda and it wasn't like her to get so attached to a victim. A survivor.

The quiet blonde was tucked against Olivia's side and, even though she was embarrassed about her crying session, just a minute ago, and her not so gracious fall, she still experienced such a strong feeling of content, warmth and peace. Olivia didn't seem to mind, she didn't judge and she understood what it was like to once have been a victim herself.

Her tears kept falling silently the entire walk to the brunette's front door and, when Olivia opened it, the soothing fragrance of apple and cinnamon invaded her nostrils and the warmth from the indoors hit her face, her shoulders finally relaxed as the heat penetrated her coat. "I'll make us some tea, why don't you make yourself comfortable on the couch. I won't be long."

In a trance like state, the small blonde shuffled her feet towards the big three seater, sat down on the plush cushions, without removing her jacket, and curled into herself, her face portraying only one expression, an expression of feeling lost somewhere far far away, not knowing how to get back to where she was before all this screwed up her life. Two steaming cups had been placed on the dark wooden table in front of her but she couldn't recall seeing Olivia doing it. She must've been so deep in thoughts, so deep in her own bubble that she completely missed it.

"Can I take your coat? You won't be very comfortable wearing it inside." Olivia softly suggested as she sat own on the other side of the sofa, leaving about two foot lengths between them, holding one of her hands out.

Amanda looked at the large elegant hand that hovered in the air as if it was an alien object. What was she doing here? How did she end up inside Lieutenant Olivia Benson's apartment, on her couch, invading the older woman's private and personal space like some needy and clingy person. She should leave, she should just get up, open the door and leave but, instead, she continued to stare at the outstretched hand and began to slowly unbotton it.

The vapor from the tea had decreased significantly and the green brew was now drinkable, soothing Amanda's raspy throat. She clutched the hot mug between her chilled hands, feeling them slowly beginning to warm up as the heat penetrated her skin. It felt good.

"Did you tell Sarah about your pregnancy?" Liv wanted to know but kept her tone low and gentle.

"Yes." Amanda whispered, her eyes fixed on the small amount of vapor that slowly danced upwards in an almost seductive manner. "She... she said she'd support me in whatever I decide to do, I just.. I... I don't know... I don't know what to do." she whimpered, holding the cup even tighter between her palms, her hands, arms and shoulders shaking from the strain and Olivia had to place a calming hand on one of Amanda's lower arms.

"Easy, honey." Liv hushed and took the cup from it's trembling position and placed it safely on the coffee table. "I'm glad that you have her support and, just to let you know, you have mine too." she smiled sadly as blue eyes came into brief contact with her own brown, her heart melting slightly as she saw the corner of Amanda's lips twitch in a faint smile of gratitude. "What do you want to do? There's a difference between not _knowing_ what to do or what you _want_ to do. What does your gut instinct tell you? I believe your gut play a big role in decision making, especially in tricky situations such as this one. Have you thought about what _you_ want?"

Amanda sat quiet for a while, letting Olivia's words sink in before she could answer. "I... I'm not... I mean, it's... it's not the baby's fault that I was... that I was raped. He or she shouldn't suffer for it no matter how hard things get but... I... a baby? I'm not ready to have a baby."

Olivia could see the despair and desperation in her eyes as she spoke. Moving closer to the blonde, she let her hand rest on Amanda's lower back, rubbing soft circles with her palm over the soft fabric of her shirt. "I don't think anyone is ever ready to bring a whole new life into this world. It's a big responsibility and it's scary as hell but I do believe, no, I _know"_ she corrected, "that you have a good head on your shoulders and that you are a compassionate, loving and caring woman that would make a great mother some day."

"I'm not so sure." Amanda whispered, her hands clasped together and her fingers were fidgeting nervously, trying to keep focused on something.

Liv scooted even closer, fully closing the gap between them and brought the restless hands into her own, wrapping them in her larger ones. "I am." she whispered and offered the upset woman an encouraging smile. "I'm gonna tell you something private about myself that might give you a different view on this whole situation that you're currently in. I usually never talk about this to people, not even my closest friends, and it's not because I'm ashamed of it or embarrassed, it's because I'm afraid that people will look at me and treat me differently."

She made a brief pause, feeling Amanda's intense stare from the corner of her eye as she continued. "I am a product of rape."


	10. Chapter 10

To Find What I Wasn't Looking for

Chapter 10

Amanda listened intensely at what Olivia was telling her. The older woman seemed so in control and stoic, as she told the blonde the horrors of her childhood, almost proud of who she was and who she had turned out to be, considering her past, her alcoholic mother and a rapist for a father, that she never met or knew. Amanda was in awe that someone with such an unique and unfortunate background and history could grow up, evolve and turn into a person who was the complete opposite of evil and Olivia was a living proof of that. The saying that 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' or 'like father, like daughter' couldn't be more further from the truth, especially in this case.

She was speechless and completely flabbergasted by the time Olivia finished. Words were simply not enough to describe how sorry she felt for the mental, and sometimes physical, abuse that the brunette had endured during her upbringing and well into her early adult life. It was also an inspiration to know that, considering her troubled past, she had still managed to push through and thrive in life, both proffesionally and privately. That gave Amanda great hope for her own future.

"Where's your mother now?" Amanda gently asked, almost regretting her question, not wanting to pry or snoop but Olivia didn't seem to be that kind of person that would become hostile or defensive when being approached by a delicate subject. After all, it was Olivia herself who had initiated the whole conversation in the first place.

"She died... many years ago." she sighed. "She was drunk, as usual, fell down a flight of stairs at a subway station. She passed instantly." brown eyes suddenly got shiny and cloudy, as if she was replaying that day in her head when she had received the news, but shook it off as quick as it appeared. "Even though she treated me bad we still had a pretty good relationship the past five years or so before she died. I do miss her and think about her a lot. She was my mother."

Amanda bit her lower lip, frowning slightly, deep in thought, wondering how Olivia could be so forgiving and compassionate towards someone who had inflicted so much pain in her life. It was a quality, a trait, that Amanda envied and wished she possessed herself. Maybe one day she would. "I'm so sorry." she whispered softly and placed her hand on the older woman's thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Looking down at the blonde's small and delicate hand, Olivia smiled sadly, reaching her own hand out and rested it on top. "Thank you."

They didn't break the physical contact for about a full minute when Amanda brought her hand up to her mouth to stiffle a yawn and then looked at the time. "Oh my god, it's after midnight. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to impose on you for that long. I.. I should go."

She stood up and reached for her coat but Olivia stopped her midway. "Is Sarah staying with you?" she wondered, feeling slightly uneasy and reluctant to send her home to an empty apartment where she first had been attacked not that long ago.

Amanda smiled but it never reached her eyes as she tried to convince Olivia that she would be fine. "I sent her back home to her own place a couple of days ago. She has been staying with me for five days, refusing to take no for an answer. I literally had to push her out the door, promising to call or text if I needed anything. I'll be fine." she waved her hand in the air, brushing it off as if it was not important.

"Why don't you stay the night here?" she was shocked at her own words but they were spoken before she had a chance to think. "I mean, if you want to. I... I just don't feel comfortable leaving you alone, especially after what you've been through today. Besides, it wouldn't feel right to send you off in the middle of the night. It's not safe."

Blue eyes widened at the sudden suggestion and she didn't really know what to say. "I... I'm not... I mean, I'll be fine, don't worry about me. I'll take a cab, no big deal." she was lying, of course. The thought of heading outside in the dark and ride in a car with some stranger scared her to death but she didn't want to let it show.

"Please, it would make me feel better knowing that you're safe." Liv pleaded, hoping that she could change Amanda's mind.

The blonde shifted nervously on her feet, not really knowing what to say. Being all alone in her apartment was scary and something she really didn't want to even think about and, being here, with Olivia, was almost equally frightening. Torn between two difficult choices she was stuck between a rock and a hard place, forced to choose an option that would make her most comfortable, if that was even possible.

"Um, I... I'm not sure." she stuttered, her face flushed slightly in embarrassment of not being able to make a plain and simple decision, like a normal person, fast enough.

Olivia stood in front of her, hunkered down a bit and tried to catch Amanda's eyes but the blonde didn't seem to want to cooperate. "Honey, if you're afraid of having a nightmare or a panic attack then don't be. I'm no stranger to them and I've seen and experienced it all myself. I still have nightmares from time to time, not as often as I use to, but they can still be quite vivid. Don't let that affect your decision because shame and embarrassment doesn't belong here, honey."

With those words, Amanda made up her mind and decided to stay. Olivia's persuasive powers had worked it's magic and the blonde soon found herself flat on her back on the couch, head resting on a fluffy pillow, wearing one of the brunette's pajamas with a large warm blanket covering her frame. Now, thirty minutes after laying down, she was still too afraid to close her eyes and drift off, even though Olivia's reassuring words rang in her ears. The thought of waking up, waking up screaming from a nightmare or a flash back, was not even an option. She would be mortified if that happened. Even if the roles were reversed, if Olivia was the one who woke up from a bad dream, Amanda wouldn't think any less of the woman or think that she was weak or pathetic. She had said it herself, she still had nightmares now and again so why was it so different when it came to herself?

Eventually, she must've fallen asleep anyway because she was awaken by a scream, that was so high pitched, it tore through her ears causing them to ache. Looking around in the dark room, it took her a while to recall where she was and why she was sleeping on a couch. She sat up, bleary eyed, hair toussled and her heart pounding.

There was nothing but silence now and Amanda thought that maybe she had just imagined it all, or dreamt it, but she couldn't shake the erie feeling that something was wrong. She swung her legs over the side of the couch, grabbed her phone that was lying on the coffee table and checked the time. 3.34 am. She groaned faintly and rubbed her hands vigorously over her face, trying to wipe away the discomfort that was now apparent. She then heard a faint squeaky noise from behind and, as fast as lightening, she was on her feet, facing the direction where the noise had came from.

"Amanda?" a low and soft voice called out and the blonde could then see the silhouette of Olivia standing in the doorway to her bedroom, wearing a flannel pajama, bare footed, her hair in a loose bun with a few dark tresses that had escaped their confined space and now hung in soft curls that framed her face. "Amanda?" she repeated as she approached the scared blonde slowly.

Amanda frowned and relaxed slightly when she realized it was just Olivia who had caused the noise. "Olivia? Wha... are you okay?"

Those words put a wan smile on the brunette's lips, the obvious look of confusion, that played across Amanda's features, made the blonde appear somewhat younger and innocent looking. Maybe it was the lack of light in the room that caused Olivia to have such an impression of the blonde, who was indeed younger than herself, but there was something else that caused the Lieutenant's smile to widen. Amanda looked absolutely adorable in her sleepy and puzzled state, her small frame almost drowning in the pajama Olivia had given her and her blonde hair was poking out in different angles across her head, making the whole situation somewhat amusing.

"Am I okay?" Liv gently stated while standing only a foot away from the younger woman. "You were the one who screamed, honey. Did you have a nightmare? You okay?" the concern she felt towards the blonde was strong and real, her natural instinct to sooth and comfort welled up inside but she held back, not knowing how welcomed her touches would be at this point.

"Me?" the blonde shockingly gasped, crossing her arms over her chest and drew her shoulders up to her ears, suddenly a bit cold and somewhat uncomfortable. "I... I'm not... I mean, I don't remember. I... I thought it was you."

"No honey, it was definitely not me." Olivia couldn't stop her hand from reaching out and gently brushed her fingers down along Amanda's upper arm, feeling a faint tremble underneath her touch. "Wanna talk about it?" she softly prodded, glad that the blonde didn't pull away from the physical contact.

Amanda let her gaze wander rapidly across the dark room, feeling all out of sorts and also extremely confused as to how she could've screamed so loud and not have been aware. She tried to dig deeper into her brain, into her memory, desperately searching for some kind of mental image or a flashback from the dream but nothing popped up, as if the dream had never happened in the first place.

It was scary how something had caused her to scream so loudly, as if something had physically happened to her, right there, right then and not being able to remember it. She didn't know what was worse; to remember the nightmare or not remember at all. "I... I don't remember it." she stuttered.

Olivia could tell that she was telling the truth and not just trying to avoid the subject because she didn't want to talk about it. The horrid look on the blonde's face told Liv that she was indeed puzzled and scared for not being able to recall the dream, even though it must've been very vivid to cause her to let out such a heartshattering and tortured scream. "That's okay, honey." Olivia soothed and brushed blonde hair away from her forehead, feeling the dampness of sweat. "Maybe you don't have to remember right now. It must've been awful to make you yell like that and you're sweating, sweetie."

That was two endearments in a very short period of time but Liv didn't notice as the words came naturally to her. Amanda, however, took notice and her heart suddenly swelled with emotion causing her eyes to tear up and her chest tightened. "I'm sorry." she whispered, her bottom lip trembled as the tear began to roll down her cheeks as she angrily tried to wipe them away. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Hey," Liv softly caught her hand and held it firmly in her own. "you have nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry you had a bad dream and I'm sorry you can't seem to remember it, that must be very upsetting for you." again, she brushed a stray blonde lock of hair away from her eyes, her thumb grazing the delicate skin. "It's okay, honey. Everything is gonna be okay."

Amanda wanted to believe the brunette's words of comfort but, at the moment, everything was just so raw and fresh, overwhelming would be an understatement. She doubled over, wrapped her arms around her middle and let out a tortured sob. "Oh, sweetheart." the brunette said with feeling, her own heart breaking for the younger woman and for what she was going through. "Come here, honey, come here." she cooed and gently brought the upset woman close to her body, feeling Amanda shake in her arms as the small frame leaned into her touch. "Shhhh, that's it, honey. You're okay, you're safe here with me. You're safe, my love."

Olivia managed to get them both seated on the couch, Amanda still in her arms, clinging to her like she was her only life line and buried her face in the brunette's neck as soothing circles were softly rubbed onto her back. "You're okay, honey, I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here next to you, you're safe with me."

A few minute passed and Amanda eventually calmed down enough and reluctantly pulled away, instantly missing the warmth of the strong arms around her. "I'm sorry, I... I don't know why I'm so... so emotional. I'm crying because I can't remember a stupid dream? God, I'm pathetic." she scolded herself, rubbing her face with her hands to get rid of the awful feeling of shame, blame and fear.

"Amanda," Olivia gently removed the small hands and swiftly kneeled on the floor in front of the still softly weeping woman, "I want you to stop apologizing because of what you're feeling. There's no wrong or right when it comes to your emotions and you're not pathetic, my love, so please get that out of your head." Amanda could only nod, as she didn't trust her voice, and Olivia stood, holding her hand out. "Wanna have a sleepover in my bed?" she smiled and waited for the blonde to grab her hand.

Amanda looked at it, reluctantly, almost afraid to grasp it. "It's okay, honey." Liv reassured, and a few seconds later she felt a small hand slip into hers.

Tucked underneath the thick covers, they laid side by side, not touching, Amanda barely breathing. It felt strange to lie in the same bed with someone she hardly knew but at the same time it felt good and safe. She knew she was safe with Olivia, she wouldn't hurt her, blame her for what had happened or judge her for being vulnerable and sad. The silence in the room was not awkward but, instead, it was a peacefull and calming quietness that eased Amanda's fears a bit, almost lulling her back to sleep.

However, she was afraid that she would have another nightmare, afraid to wake Olivia up once more, screaming or crying, lost in a bad dream that never seemed to end, but as she felt the brunette's hand slip back into her own, she gladly accepted and drifted off with the reassuring thought that she wasn't alone.

"Morning, sleepy head, you look very comfortable." Liv announced as she sat down on the edge of the bed, two steaming cups of coffee in her hands. "Thought you could use a caffeine kick this morning. I don't know how you like it but I have milk and sugar if you need it."

"Black is fine, thank you." Amanda answered, her voice raspy from sleep as she reached out and grabbed the precious morning brew and took a sip, moaning in delight. "Just what I needed, thank you."

"Any time. I like my coffee black too. Another thing we have in common." she smiled and took a large sip herself, amazed at how coffee always tasted so good in the mornings.

"What time is it?" the newly awakened blonde sat up straight and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, squinting slightly in the bright morning sun light.

"Nearly nine. I woke up a eight but decided to let you sleep a bit longer, thought you might need it."

Amanda placed the cup on the nightstand and looked around the room, a bit flustered and panicky. "Um, I should probably go. I... I didn't mean to sleep that long, you probably have to go to work. Give me a few minutes and I'll be out of your hair."

As she began to stand, Olivia placed a calming hand on her thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "It's okay, I'm not working today or tomorrow, well, if I don't get called in for a case but today I'm free as a bird." she analysed the drawn and sleepy featured of the younger woman and could tell that she was still very tired, probably due to the nightmare she had suffered only a few hours before. "Did you sleep okay? I mean, after the bad dream? You look tired, honey, do you want to sleep a bit longer?" her voice was caring and affectionate, feeling the need to ease Amanda's obvious uncomfortable-ness that was showing.

"No, I... I'm fine." she lied and stiffled a yawn. "Okay, I'm a bit tired but I'm okay, really."

"Still not remembering the dream you had?" Liv tilted her head to the side and looked at Amanda with that comforting, sympathetic and loving gaze that she only gave to the most fragile of victims. She hated the thought that the blonde had been a victim to such a horrendous act but she had survived it all and was now a survivor, even though the road to recovery, peace and light was going to be long and trying at times.

Amanda just shook her head sadly and began fidgeting with the corner of the duvet. "No, it's all a blank, I just remember..." she swallowed against the lump that was rapidly forming in her throat and blinked at the threatening tears. "I just remember being scared, that's all. Nothing else."

Olivia moved closer to the distraught blonde, wanting to sooth her fear and pain. "Hey, hey! Honey, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay. Don't work yourself up over it, sweetie, it will do you no good." she whispered but it was already too late as Amanda lost control of her emotions, yet again, and buried her face in her hands, her body shaking from the intensity of her powerful gut wrenching sobs.

"I... I'm... I'm sor... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." she whimpered into her cupped hands, embarrassed over her second breakdown within the space of only a few hours. She was just so tired, extremely tired, due to lack of sleep, since that horrible night, repeatedly waking up from bad dreams or night terrors. The exhaustion was now catching up but she didn't think she could go back to sleep, not for a while anyway.

"Oh, Amanda, sweetheart." Liv quickly placed her own cup of coffee on the nightstand, next to the blonde's, and she carefully scooted in under the covers, took a gentle hold of the crying woman and pulled her into her lap, rocking her from side to side while placing soft intermittent kisses on her forehead and temple. Her tender actions surprised herself as she had never before been this affectionate or tender towards a survivor before. There was something about this small beautiful blonde that made Olivia want to do everything in her power to help and sooth her pain, to ease her troubled mind and to ensure that she was safe and being looked after.

The young woman cried into the crook of Liv's neck, wetting the tanned soft skin with her salty tears, too upset and distraught to pull away. She needed this, needed the close physical comfort that Olivia so willingly and richly offered. The brunette was now her safe haven, her anchor and her rock that she desperately clung to, needing to feel grounded, needing to feel soothed.


	11. Chapter 11

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 11

Tears dried, cheeks flushed, eyes red.

They had finished breakfast, Amanda not able to eat much but Liv didn't force it, knowing that the blonde would more likely eat when she got hungry. Her phone rang and she was now inside her bedroom, talking to Fin about a new case, offering him some good advise and pointers. A while day off barely existed at SVU but at least she didn't have to go to the precinct in person.

"Sorry about that. One of my detectives passed the sergeant exam and he's now in charge when I'm not there. He just wanted my opinion on something." she entered the livingroom, phone still in hand and looked at the blonde, who was still snuggled up on the couch underneath a blanket with a distant look in her eyes. "Amanda, you okay?" she tried again but the smaller woman didn't move or didn't seem to be aware of her presence. "Hey, you alright?" a gentle hand came to rest upon a frail shoulder and she saw the other woman flinch at the touch. Olivia instantly withdrew her hand and took a step back, startled by the sudden movement.

Amanda's gaze penetrated her own and, for a second, there was nothing but fear and pain inside her blue eyes but, as soon as she realized that it was only Liv, she immediately calmed. "I... sorry, I... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I thought... I... I should go. This was a bad idea, I should go." she rose on unsteady feet, the blanket tangled around her limbs like a vine that had her trapped and she could feel herself falling.

With Olivia being on the other side of the couch, didn't have enough time to reach her before she hit the coffee table with a loud crack and her body dropped to the floor, a whimper escaping Amanda's lips as she landed.

"Oh god!" the brunette ran to the fallen form, gently turned her around so she could see the damage, careful with her head to avoid any possible neck or head injury. Amanda's face was scrunched up in pain, tears streaming down her face as another whimper passed her bloodied split lip. "Oh, sweetheart, you split your lip open. Does it hurt anywhere else? Did you hit your head when you fell?" Amanda just shook her head, not able to verbally communicate as the pain was piercing and shooting through her lip, tasting the blood as it seeped through the corner of her mouth. Copper. Iron. Red.

"Come on, honey, let's get you off this floor and get that cut seen to." she slipped an arm underneath Amanda's upper back, pulled her into a sitting position, when the blonde broke down into tears, her body leaning heavily against the detective's, sobbing and whimpering. Olivia was slightly taken aback by the unexpected action but didn't hesitate to slip her other arm under her knees and pulled her completely into her lap, rocking them both from side to side while Amanda hid her face in the crook of her neck.

"Easy, sweetie, I've got you. Just hold onto me, you're okay." she cooed into a nearby ear while letting her right hand rub soft circles on Amanda's quivering and trembling back. "Shhh, hush sweetheart, everything is okay, you're safe here with me. I'm not gonna let anybody hurt you, sweet girl, you're okay. You're okay."

After ten minutes of rocking, soothing and reassuring, the blonde finally stopped crying but her hands still clung rightly onto Olivia's top, balling the material in her fists, reluctant to let go. "Honey, I'm gonna have to take a look at that cut but you need to let go in order for me to do that." she gently rubbed one of Amanda's tightly clenched fists, feeling how cold her skin was to the touch. "Come on, sweetie, you're cutting off the circulation and it can't be comfortable. It's okay to let go now, honey, it's okay."

Gently she pried her fingers open, one by one, until she was free from the blonde's vice grip, watching as Amanda's pale hands slowly returned to their normal colour. "That's it, honey. Come on, help me out here. Can you stand?"

"I... I think so." the blonde whispered, her voice weak and hoarse from the gut wrenching sobs. "I'm sorry." she whimpered as she felt Olivia's strong arms pull her up until she was standing, one arm wrapped around her middle for support as they slowly made it to the kitchen table where she eased Amanda down into a chair.

"Don't be sorry, there's nothing to be sorry for. Just sit here and I'll get the first aid kit, okay." as soon as she had left she was back again, equipped with the right tools to treat the cut. "This is going to sting so just grab the back of the chair if it gets too much, okay. I'll be as quick as I can. Ready?" When she received a shaky nod she placed the alco wipe against the cut, hearing Amanda inhale sharply and softly cry.

"I know it hurts, sweetheart. Just give me a few more seconds and we're all done." after dabbing the area she also placed a small butterfly strip over the gash to keep it closed. "All done."

"Do I get a lollipop?" Amanda asked, scoffing at her clumsiness, trying to make the embarrassing situation bearable by turning it into something more amusing and somewhat of a joke.

Smiling, Liv began to tidy up the few things from the table and placed it back in the bag. "If I had one I would give it to you. How about some ice cream instead? Might help with the swelling too." she suggested while she crouched down in front of Amanda, laying a warm and soft hand on her knee. "What just happened, honey? Why were you so upset? Can you tell me?"

The young blonde felt her face turn red in embarrassment as Liv waited for an answer, the hand on her knee causing her skin to burn and tingle in a strange and funny way. "I... I don't know. I guess I... got scared." she silently admitted. "Afraid that... that I... I..."

"Afraid of what, honey? You can tell me." she softly soothed while rubbing her thumb over the material of Amanda's pajama pants. "What are you so afraid of?"

The gentleness of Olivia's voice caused Amanda's heart to flutter and she almost got angry at herself for letting this woman have such strong effects on her, considering the fact that they knew very little about each other. After everything Olivia had done for her she felt like she had to tell her the truth. She owed her that much. "Of you." she whispered softly, desperately avoiding any eye contact, not wanting to see the look on the Lieutenant's face after hearing those two words.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, honey. You don't have to be afraid of me, I promise you that." Liv brushed a stray lock of blonde hair behind Amanda's ear, brushing her knuckles down along her cheek as she withdrew her hand.

"I... I know." Amanda stuttered weakly, tears threatening to fall anew.

"Then, honey, why are you afraid of me?"

The blonde took a shaky breath and bit her lower lip, thinking about how she should proceed. "I... I'm afraid _of_ you. I'm afraid of the... the feeling I have... for you." there, it was said, all out in the open and her heart was beating so fast and hard she was positively sure that Olivia could could hear it, perhaps even the neighbors.

The brunette didn't seem shocked, didn't pull away nor did she withdraw her hand that was still resting on Amanda's knee. "And what are those feelings, honey?" she gently questioned, watching the blue eyes flicker across the room, refusing to look straight at her. "Look at me, Amanda, please." she pleaded and when the blonde finally locked her gaze with Olivia's, the brunette asked again. "What are those feelings? You can tell me."

Amanda almost felt sick to her stomach. How was she suppose to tell this woman that she didn't just have feelings for her, but they were romantic feelings and that she held a strong sense of attraction towards her? She never should've brought it up in the first place, certain that Olivia would reject her and send her on her way, back to her own lonely and scary apartment where she didn't feel safe anymore. Not since Lucas had stepped his foot inside her home.

"I... I like you. I like you a lot and I shouldn't be feeling this way but I do and I can't help it and I hate myself for it because it's... it's... it's just not appropriate or very proffesional but I just can't... I can't... I..."

"Amanda, breathe!" Liv encouraged and took a deep breath, hoping the blonde would follow suit so she could gently coax her down from her stuttering and rambling high. She did have an idea of what kind of feelings Amanda was referring to and it pained her that she seemed to have such a hard time expressing them, thinking that those kind of feelings doesn't, or shouldn't, belong here.

From the very start, from the very first text message that Olivia had gotten from this woman, she, herself, had felt a strong connection towards her, without even knowing who she was or what she looked like. All those times in her office, trying to concentrate on paperwork or a case, when her thoughts had so easily drifted off to the stranger who kept texting her. It was not like Olivia to get so preoccupied and caught up with someone she barely knew but there was something about Amanda, something she couldn't put her finger on, that had her undivided attention. There was also an attraction there, as Amanda was a good looking woman. Shiny blonde hair, pale blue eyes, symmetrical features and a muscular but lean body that didn't go unnoticed even in baggy sweatpants.

Seeing Amanda so worked up over something that could easily be straightened out by just talking about it made Olivia even more determined to get to the bottom of this. However, she didn't want to make a big deal out of it, even though it certainly was, but for Amanda's sake, her pride and her dignity, she decided to approach the subject in a different way to ease her concerns. "Miss Rollins, are you trying to say that you're attracted to me?" Liv smirked and squeezed her knee with her hand that had remained in the same place.

Amanda's eyes widened at Liv's question, her heart picking up speed again as she witnessed the humorous grin on the brunette's plump lips. "I... I'm not... I mean, I'm just..." a frustrated sigh echoed through the room and the blonde stood up, her lip still throbbing painfully. "Fuck! I can't do this. I should go, I'm sorry. Forget I even said anything."

Before the rambling woman had a chance to even reach the front door, Olivia gently grabbed her arm, holding her in place so she couldn't escape from the situation no matter how uncomfortable it was. "Hey honey!" she whispered sweetly, "If you're not attracted to me, then..." she sighed heavily, hoping that what she was about to say would help Amanda to open up a bit more. "... I guess I'm just a little bit disappointed that my feelings for you won't be reciprocated, that's all. I can't keep you here against your will. If you want to leave, you can leave but I think you should know that you're still wearing pajamas."

Frowning, Amanda took a quick glance at herself and then at Olivia, who was pressing her lips together, trying not to laugh. "Oh." was all he blonde could croak out before she, herself, began to chuckle at her own temporarily confused and disorganized ethics.

When both of their light laughter died out, there was nothing but silence in the room, except for the tv that was making a faint background noise and the clock on the wall creating an almost hypnotic sound by it's constant tick tock, tick tock. They were standing so close to each other. Olivia's hand was still gently holding onto Amanda's upper arm but it suddenly moved from it's place and came to rest on her cheek instead, the soft thumb lightly stroking the delicate skin.

Smiling lovingly, Liv leaned forward ever so slightly, their breaths mingling in the air between them, hearts beating in a fast rhythm and time stood still, only for a moment, as the warmth of each other's breaths caressed their faces in an all too familiar way. Just as their lips were about to touch, Amanda pulled away, covering her face with her hands, rubbing vigorously in frustration before dropping them to her sides. "I can't, I can't! This is... wrong, it's wrong. I can't!" she repeated over and over, wringing her hands together as she began to pace back and forth between the couch and the kitchen table.

"How and why is it wrong, honey?" Olivia gently asked, standing in the same spot as she watched the petite woman struggle with her emotions and thoughts. She wanted to hold her, to comfort her and tell her that everything was okay but she decided against it and, instead, she let the blonde have her space.

"What if... what if my feelings for you are not... not real?" she said and noticed a frown of confusion on the brunette's features. "I mean, what if I'm only feeling like this because.. because you saved me? What if this is just some heroic infatuation that I feel towards you? You've been there for me even before this all happened, you've listened to me, you've shared your own history with me and you've opened up your home to me! What if my feelings are just... just feelings of gratitude and appreciation towards everything you've done for me and not real feelings of attraction or care, like a normal person? I can't even trust my own feelings anymore!"

Olivia had had enough of the constant pacing back and forth in her kitchen/livingroom and stopped Amanda dead in her tracks by firmly placing her hand on her shoulders, looking her dead in the eye and spoke calmly and rationally. "Amanda, honey, stop and take a breath."

The blonde felt as though she could lose herself in the Lieutenant's deep big brown orbs that held her full undivided attention. "What's wrong with me?" she whispered, blinking her eyes rapidly to somehow force some clarity into her jumbled and disoriented thoughts.

"Nothing is wrong with you, Amanda." Liv soothed the best she could. "Perhaps you're just a little bit confused? I know I am! I think anyone would be after hearing your little speech just now, honey, but I do understand what you are referring to and what you mean. However, I don't think that's the case here, sweetheart. You're over thinking things and you're making a mountain out of a mole hill." she sighed sadly as she watched Amanda struggle with her emotions for a minute, not knowing what to do or say to ease her so obvious buzzing mind.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Liv asked after a minute or two of silence. "Would you be more comfortable in your own apartment?"

Amanda rubbed her temples and grunted in frustration and anger. "I don't know what I want!" she almost yelled. "I don't know! I don't know anything anymore." tears welled up as she continued her rant. "I can't even go through a whole day without crying or having some kind of mental breakdown, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I don't feel safe in my apartment, I can't focus on anything and I don't know how long I have before I get fired from my job. I've already been absent for nearly three weeks and I... I... I don't even dare to think about going back. I... I can't function, I can't even look after myself right now and on top of everything I'm pregnant. How the hell am I gonna take care of a baby? I... I can't do this, I can't do this."

The blonde suddenly stomped out of the kitchen, grabbed her clothes and purse and locked herself into the bathroom to get changed. As Olivia stood rooted to the floor, on the same spot, she could hear Amanda softly crying from behind the door and her own eyes began to sting from unshed salty tears. When she heard the door click she snapped back into reality, quickly wiped away any trace of tear marks and swallowed at the rapidly forming lump in her throat. "Amanda, please, I need to know if you're okay? Is there anything I can do for you?"

Amanda wiped at her her nose while sniffling pitifully. "There's nothing you or anyone can do. I should never have come here, I'm sorry." And with that Amanda left.


	12. Chapter 12

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 12

The next few days passed by in a heavy and dense haze for Olivia and she could only imagine how Amanda must be feeling after storming out of her apartment like that, all upset, angry and anxious. She had tried calling but there was no answer and numerous texts had been sent but only one reply back, saying that she was fine and that she was staying at Sarah's place for a while.

It wouldn't be a problem for Olivia to look up Sarah's address, drive over there to make sure Amanda was indeed okay. She was a cop, a detective, finding people was what she did for a living, but she had to respect Amanda's privacy and discretion. If she needed Olivia's, for any reason, she would get in contact herself, or at least, that's what the older woman kept telling herself. She was worried about the blonde's state of mind. She didn't think Amanda was suicidal or a person that would self harm but, after so many years of working SVU, she had learnt the hard way, to not judge a book by it's cover.

It was now thursday and it had been five days since the blonde had stormed out of Olivia's home, upset and confused. The brunette's mood had changed over the past few days from her usual professional, stoic and 'on the go' mode to a distant, vacant and distracted kind of behaviour that puzzled everyone in the squad. "You okay, Lieutenant?" Carisi asked, leaning his skinny frame against the doorway to her office, his face held a frown of concern for his boss, hoping that she wasn't sick or had received some personal bad news. "You've been kind of 'off' lately. Did something happen?"

Olivia just shook her head slightly, sighing in defeat and exhaustion. "I'm okay, thanks Carisi."

He huffed. "Are you trying to fool me or yourself? I've never seen you like this, Liv, and to be perfectly honest, I don't like it. It kind of scares me a bit. Anything I can do?" The bullpen behind him was practically empty due to the late hour, even Fin had wrapped it up about an hour ago and Carisi was getting ready to leave himself but wanted to check in with the Lieutenant before heading out.

"Am I that transparent?" Liv asked, smiling sadly as she heavily leaned back into her leather chair, sighing once more.

"It's Amanda, isn't it?" he gently asked and made his way over to his boss's desk. "What happened?"

The Lieutenant didn't really know where to start or if she even wanted to start in the first place. She had always been a private person herself but bad learnt through the years that keeping things locked away and bottled up inside never did anyone any good. This was going to be a slightly awkward conversation to have with your subordinate. "She more or less told me that she has feelings for me but doesn't know if they're genuine or just a heroic attachment to me because I saved her life, as she put it, and she's pregnant with Lucas baby."

Carisi's eyes widened, shocked by Liv's news and how blunt her statement was. "Wow! That's... that's um, a lot to deal with. Is she gonna keep the baby?"

"I don't know." Liv said frankly. "It's her decision and I'll support her in whatever she decides, I'm just worried because she ran out from my apartment five days ago, upset, and I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I just want to know that she's okay."

"I'm sure she's fine, Liv. Sounds like she has a lot on her mind right now. She'll come around." Carisi stayed silent for a minute, observing the deep frown of worry that etched itself on the Lieutenant's face. "So... um, she was in your apartment?"

Olivia met his gaze and saw that he was smirking slightly. "Yes, she... she spent the night and, before you say anything, we talked and we slept, so get your head out of the gutter, detective."

Carisi held his hands up in defense. "It was never in the gutter to start with, Lieutenant." he smiled reassuringly towards his boss, hoping that everything would work out. "I'm sure she'll come to her senses, Liv. She probably just need some time to get her head together, you'll see."

"Thanks, Carisi." her tone was filled with appreciation and gratitude towards her youngest squad member, hoping that everything he said was true and that she will come around sooner or later but, for Olivia, it was extremely hard to try and just carry on as usual when there was a nagging feeling in her gut that something wasn't quite right.

Carisi left shortly after giving his boss a pep-talk and she had to admit that she did feel a bit better and more at ease. The anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach was still there, however not as strong and persistent as before. She had to stop worrying so much, stop fretting or thinking the worst about the whole situation and stop her mind from going in directions it shouldn't be going.

The bullpen was now almost completely empty and Liv decided to call it a night when her phone rang. Looking at the screen, it was a number she didn't recognized but had to answer nonetheless since it could be work related. "Benson." she answered with a slight tired and distant voice, not in the mood for a long conversation on the phone with the DA, one PP or anyone else for that matter. All she wanted was to go home and have a relaxing evening for herself, watch some tv, order in take out with a glass of wine or two. However, it didn't look like that was going to happen tonight.

"Hi, Lieutenant Benson, it's Sarah, um, Amanda's friend. Am I calling at a bad time?"

"Sarah?!" Olivia repeated, her eyebrows shot up in surprise and that anxious nagging feeling in her gut returned. "Is everything okay?"

The woman on the other line let out a shaky breath which caused the brunette's worry to escalate. "I'm so sorry for bothering you but I... I haven't heard from Amanda in a few days and I thought that maybe she contacted you by any chance? I... I'm just worried."

Olivia fell silent for a few seconds, trying to process what Sarah had just told her and she could immediately feel her anxiety and worry shoot up several notches and how her heart began to pound in her ears. "What? She told me she was staying at your place for a while. She refused to answer any of my texts or calls but she eventually sent me a short reply saying that she was staying with you."

Liv heard the other woman mumble something under her breath in worry for her friend, as it was very out of character for Amanda to just disappear and not answer any calls or texts. "I haven't seen her since monday and, since she won't answer me, I got worried. I... I just thought that maybe you had heard from her?"

"No, I haven't." Liv rubbed a hand over a worried brow, inhaling deeply as she tried to calm her troubled mind. "Um, okay, let me see if I can track her cell and get a pin, I'll call you back as soon as I know anything."

Cursing under her breath, Liv got down to business. She was on a mission, like a bear protecting her young, concerned and desperate to locate the younger woman, find her hopefully unharmed and find out what was going on. It took about twenty minutes before she got an exact location, an adress in Long Island and she immediately got in contact with Sarah again. "Do you know why she would go there? Does she have friends that resides there, family perhaps?"

Sarah lets out a shuddering breath and Liv could detect relief in the other woman's gasp for air. "Oh my god, how could I forget? Her grandmother left her a beach house in her will. I don't think she has been there for a while but I know that she still visits sometimes."

Olivia too let out a breath of relief but the uneasy feeling in her stomach was still present, something wasn't right and she had to find out what was going on. Enough is enough. "Okay, I'm gonna head down there and see if everything is okay, do you want to come with me?"

"Yeah, sure, since you have the address I'll meet you there in about an hour. Thank you, Lieutenant."

After their brief conversation Olivia got into her car and drove like a mad person all the way to The Great South Bay, where Amanda was at. She did break a couple of speed limits on the way but felt as if this was an emergency and her priority right now. Her GPS easily led her to the right address and, as she pulled up the small driveway, she could see that the lights were on in a couple of the windows in the picturesque little cabin. A good sign, Olivia thought as she got out of her car and had quick look around the front of the small bungalow, hearing the waves crash upon the beach in the near distance. As soon as she reached the front door, a car pulled up behind her, blinding her with it's head lights before they were suddenly turned off and a voice called out her name. "Lieutenant Benson, it's me, Sarah. Is she here?"

The smaller brunette quickly ran up to the older woman, who was standing by the door, anxiously waiting to get inside. "Someone is here cause the lights are on." she knocked three times on the frosted glass area of the wooden door and waited. Pressing her ear up against the surface, she could hear faint footsteps in the distance that slowly became louder and closer. "Amnda, it's me, Olivia. Sarah is here too. We just want to make sure you're alright, honey."

Sarah threw a glance at the tall woman next to her as the word _honey_ slipped but she didn't comment. Instead she was trying to hide a smile from forming on her lips, hoping that the endearment was genuine and not just something that the Lieutenant blurred out to anybody left and right. When nothing happened, Sarah sepped in, hoping she could convince her friend to show her face. "Mandy, please, open this god damn door right now. We're just worried about you and we're not leaving until we know that you're okay."

Even though Sarah sounded harsh, Liv knew that she ment well and that it was probably the way she spoke when she was concerned and scared. She could see tears forming in the young brunette's eyes and she laid a hand on her shoulder in reassurance, giving it a gentle tug and then the door finally swung open, revealing the petite blonde, wrapped in a thick blanket, wearing a big hoodie, yoga pants and slippers.

Olivia could tell, straight away, that she had been crying. The blue eyes were red and puffy with dark circles under them, that indicated that she obviously hadn't slept in a while and her hair was up in a messy bun with loose strands falling down across her face, framing it like a beautiful painting. "I'm fine." Amanda mumbled, her voice hoarse and her nose stuffy. "Just a cold."

Lie. That was a down right lie and they all knew it. "Bullshit, Amanda! I've been worried sick, we have been worried sick. You could've just told us where you were instead of just disappearing on me... on us." Sarah almost yelled, the tears were finally leaving her eyes.

The blonde sighed and rubbed her right temple, trying to ease a headache that she had been suffering with all day. "Last time I checked you weren't my mother. I'm a grown woman and I can do whatever the hell I please. There was no need to bring backup." she snarled and threw Olivia a glance. "Is there more people coming?" she asked obnoxiously and let her eyes flicker behind their shoulders, her mood clearly defensive and angry.

"Amanda," Liv began softly, "we just wanted to make sure that you're okay. Can you blame us? If Sarah disappeared without a word, wouldn't you be going out of your mind? Wouldn't you worry?"

There was nothing Amanda could say to that because she knew that Olivia was right, she would worry and she would be going out of her mind but their sudden visit was still annoying and a pain in the ass nonetheless. She just rolled her eyes and wrapped the blanket more securely around her frail form that looked even thinner since the last time Olivia had seen her.

"Can we come in?" the Lieutenant asked gently and gave Amanda a reassuring smile as the blonde stepped to the side, giving them room to enter.

As soon as they stepped inside, Sarah took in the sight of her friend and it saddened her to see her so drained, weak and almost sickly. "What have you been doing to yourself, Mandy? Look at you! Are you even eating? Sleeping? It's not just yourself you have to look after now. What about the baby? How can you be so selfish?" she cried, the tears streaming down her cheeks but she didn't make an attempt to wipe them away.

"There's no baby." Amanda whispered. "Not anymore. I... I had an abortion."

There was a dead silence in the room as the two woman stood there and looked at the blonde, who kept her gace lowered to the floor, afraid to meet their judging eyes. Sarah was the first to speak, stuttering and almost choking on her words. "You... you had an abortion? Without telling me? Wh... I... I don't..."

"It was my decision and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so please, just leave it." she begged as she felt the tiredness wash over her like a giant wave.

"Leave it?" Sarah repeated heatedly. "Leave it? Not a big deal? Of course it's a big deal, Amanda. You... you did something so drastic, something so life changing and traumatic and you... you didn't... you..."

"You're right, I didn't." Amanda screamed at the top of her lungs, her own face now wet with flooding tears, her whole body shaking from her sobs, the lack of food and sleep and the fact that she was emotionally drained. "I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want to be judged, which is exactly what you're doing right now. I didn't want people to look at me like I'm a monster, a murderer or just a selfish bitch who doesn't care about anyone or anything but herself, so no, I didn't tell anyone."

Olivia was beginning to worry about the blonde's mental and physical state. She looked like she was about to collapse any second and this whole argument wasn't doing her, or anybody, any good. It had to end before things got worse.

"I would never think that of you, Mandy, not after what I went through." Sarah's voice interrupted her thoughts, whimpering and shaky. "I... I just wish you would've confided in me, trusted me. I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't talk to me about it. I really am." with those sad final words, Sarah turned around and left, heartbroken that her friend didn't trust her enough to come to her if she had problems or a troubled mind. This wasn't the Amanda that she knew.

After Sarah's departure, Olivia remained standing in the hallway with a trembling and extremely distraught Amanda next to her. She was in shock at what the blonde had just revealed, not just because of the abortion itself but that she had gone through with it all by herself, no support, no one to talk to and no one to hold her hand through it all. It saddened her that she felt like she couldn't confied in anyone, not even Sarah, who is suppose to be her best friend, her rock and her family.

"She hates me." Amanda whispered, her eyes closed in defeat where she stood, a few feet away from the brunette, swaying slightly on her feet.

"No," Olivia whispered back. "she doesn't hate you, honey. I don't think she could ever hate you." cautiously she took a step closer to the pale and run down blonde. "What did she mean by 'not after what I went through?'" she didn't want to pry but she had a feeling that it played a significant role in this whole situation that they were currently in.

Amanda sighed, dragged herself to the couch about twelve feet away and sat down, exhausted and slightly light headed. Liv silently followed and got herself comfortable in the opposite corner of the oversized two seater. "Before Sarah and I met, she was in a long term relationship with a man. They tried to have children but it just seemed impossible. Sarah eventually agreed to insemination and became pregnant straight away. Her boyfriend, or fiancee, decided that he wanted out and that he wasn't ready to become a father so he left her. After all that he left her, like a broken toy that nobody wanted to play with anymore, disposable and used."

She paused and took a minute to collect herself, feeling how tired and worn out she really was. "After that, it all became too much for her and realized she couldn't take care of a baby on her own and got an abortion. She was devastated by it and regretted her decision afterwards and now she..."

"... thinks you're gonna end up regretting it too." Olivia finished for her, her voice low and husky, filled with understanding, warmth and kindness, things that Amanda didn't feel she deserved, not right now.


	13. Chapter 13

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 13

Olivia now understood why Sarah had reacted so strongly when Amanda told them about the abortion and she couldn't really blame her for it. She would probably feel the same way if she was walking in Sarah's shoes, right now but, as selfish as it sounded, Olivia wasn't here for Sarah, she was her for Amanda. The ghostly white complexion on her face spoke of fatigue and lack of proper food and sleep. Her hands trembled slightly as she clutched at the blanket in the front, trying to keep the warmth inside the cocoon she had created but she was still cold, still shivering, still frigid.

"How are you feeling?" the brunette asked in a gentle tone. "I mean, physically? When did you have the procedure?"

Amanda licked her dry lips and ran a hand over her face to try and remove some of the unpleasant feelings and emotions that welled up inside of her. "Um, I chose the medical procedure, not surgical. I took my first pill yesterday and I took my second and final one about four hours ago. I'm just gonna have to ride it out, I suppose." she shifted her weight on the couch, holding onto the blanket like it was her one and only lifeline and she pulled her knees up to her chest, trying to ease the cramps in her stomach that was faintly making themselves known. She knew that it wouldn't be long before it was finished and all over with and she wore a pad to avoid any blood stains on her clothes or furniture.

"Cramps?" Olivia asked, tilting her head to the side in a questioning manner and offered her a sympathetic look. Liv was very familiar with the procedure and the affects it had on the body and she knew that, within a couple of hours, Amanda would without a doubt experience pain and discomfort.

Amanda shook her head. "No, not yet." she lied, closing her eyes and rested her head against the back rest of the sofa, swallowing at a wave of nausea that suddenly seemed to appear out of nowhere. The tv was on but at a very low volume, creating a soothing sound and feeling of having something familiar in the background to ground her. "I haven't seen this episode." Amanda finally spoke up after the nauseous wave had passed.

Olivia took a closer look at the screen and saw that Friends was playing and she chuckled slightly. "It's a funny one. Well, they're all funny but this one is hilarious. I've actually got the whole box set at home but don't tell anyone, I've got a bad ass reputation to uphold." she smirked and winked which caused Amanda to chuckle in response.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for a Friends fan, Lieutenant. Major Crimes or CSI maybe, but not friends. I'm guite surprised."

Olivia laughed light heartedly and arranged her seating to get more comfortable. "I get enough of cop show material at work everyday. Besides, I've never solved a case within an hour so the shows are not very logic or believable."

Now it was Amanda's turn to laugh but it was a weak and shaky giggled that didn't really reach her eyes. "Yeah, well, Friends are not very believable either. I mean, I've never come across a person who's as naive and gullible as Joey or Phoebe."

The brunette smiled but found herself leaning towards the woman to hear her better as her voice was so low and weak that she could barely make out a word. "You look tired, you should get some rest, honey." she suggested as she watched Amanda's eyes fight to stay open.

The exhausted blonde stiffled a yawn and straightened up. "I guess." she mumbled. "Thanks for driving all the way out here for nothing. I'll... I'll talk to Sarah tomorrow, tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her. Drive safely, Lieutenant, it looks like the wind is picking up." she glanced out the window and saw the trees and bushes outside sway with force in the dark.

"Oh, I'm not leaving." Olivia stated, slightly amused with the thought of Amanda thinking she would leave her like this, in this weak and vulnerable state.

Blue eyes bore into brown and her fair eyebrows shot up in a confused and shocked manner. "Um, I'm fine, Lieutenant, you don't have to stay. I'm a grown woman, I can look after myself, you know."

"Can you?" the words slipped out before Liv could stop herself and now it was too late. The pale blue eyes grew darker in colour and the brunette knew she had struck a nerve and immediately tried to smooth things out. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said it like that." she said faintly, her voice changed dramatically from a fierce and judgemental tone, that she regretted using, to a careful and soothing one, almost a whisper. "I know that you're a grown woman who can look after herself, I just think that, maybe, you've neglected yourself in the past few days. We all need help now and then, honey, there's nothing wrong with that."

Amanda rolled her eyes and sighed. "I just haven't been feeling well, that's all. I'm okay, Lieutenant, honestly."

"What happened to calling me Olivia?" she gently questioned and cocked her head to the side, studying the drawn looking blonde from where she was sitting. "You're pushing me away, honey, and you're pushing Sarah away. We're here to help you because we care about you. You keep telling me that you're fine but your body tells me different. I can see that you've hardly slept or eaten for the past few days, your eyes are red raw from crying, you probably haven't showered in at least two or three days because you don't have the energy to. You're clutching that blanket so tightly around your shoulders because you need something that will keep you in the present and to ground yourself, plus you're pale as a ghost and you're probably as cold as ice to the touch and I know you have cramps judging by the way you pulled your knees up to your chest a little while ago, curling into yourself to hide and ease the pain."

Amanda didn't know what to say. Everything Olivia had just said was true down to the point where she thought the brunette must've been spying on her for the past few days. She didn't expect Olivia to say all those things and now she was literally put on the spot and didn't know what to do, except saying something narky back. "Well, it looks like you've got it all figured out, _Olivia._ Thank you for the educational speech about myself, I had no idea." anger was welling up from deep inside of her, threatening to spill over at any second.

"You're welcome." Liv offered sweetly, thinking that two can play this game. "I can also see that, even thought you say you're fine, you're trying your hardest not to cry. Your eyes are filling up with tears and your bottom lip is trembling and you keep biting it to not let it show, your hands are holding onto the blanket so tightly that they're shaking because you don't want to let go of whatever it is you're feeling and you keep swallowing at the lump that is forming in your throat right now, hoping it will go away but it's actually making it worse. Shall I go on?" raising her eyebrows she studied Amanda's raging and flabbergasted expression, expecting the blonde to literally punch her square in the face.

"Screw you, Olivia." she spat in anger, released the death grip she had on the blanket and tried to push herself off the couch, needing to get out of the situation, before she would do anything she would regret. Just as she stood up, the previous wave of nausea came back with a vengeance and she could feel her body breaking into cold sweat. Her face turned a greenish colour and the whole room was spinning around her, causing everything in the line of her vision to appear blurry and slightly obscure. There was no way she would be able to keep her stomach from expelling all it's contents for much longer and she quickly rushed towards the bathroom, hoping she would make it in time. She stumbled down the hallway, almost tripping over her own feet in the process and felt as the bile rose in her throat.

Olivia was taken aback by the blonde's sudden movements and she couldn't really comprehend what was happening until she heard the gagging and gurgling sound from down the hallway. Instantly, she was on her feet and followed the unpleasant noise and found Amanda on her knees, in front of the toilet, grabbing the porcelain sides so hard her knuckles turned white, throwing her guts up while her whole body shook from the strenuous effort.

"Oh, Amanda." Liv cooed from behind the crouching woman and leaped into action by wetting a towel and joined the heaving woman on the cold tiled floor, ready to assist. As she began to gently wipe the tear streaked and sweaty face, Amanda used her hand and tried to push her away, feeling embarrassed for being such an emotional wreck in front of her. Olivia rolled her eyes at her stubbornness and ignored the swiping hand, gently tucking it away. "Easy, honey, you're okay. Don't fight it."

Amanda threw up whatever she had eaten that day, which wasn't a lot, and now there was nothing left but clear bile and mucous. She was a quivering mess by the time she was finished but, while leaning against the wall, she still tried to push Olivia's hands away, panting and shivering from extortion. "Go... away!" she croaked between breaths, turning her head to the side so the brunette wouldn't see her blotchy face and her weakness.

The older woman completely brushed Amanda's plea, of wanting to be left alone away, and moved closer to her, gently caressing her neck and upper chest with the damp cloth, letting the cool water soak into her heated skin. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you like this, Amanda." she whispered softly while, with gentle fingers, trying to turn the blonde's head back so she could look at her face and wipe away the rest of her tears.

"I... I'm fine... go away. Ple... please, just... go away." she pleaded once more, her exhaustion well apparent and obvious.

"Not a chance, honey. Just let me do this for you." with extreme cation and care Olivia tended to the aftermath of Amanda's forceful vomiting session but found it difficult as the blonde wouldn't stop moving around by turning her head from side to side and kept telling her to leave her alone. Eventually, Liv had no other choice but to grab Amanda's chin in a firm hold and forced her to look at her while talking. "Stop fighting me on this because there's no use. I'm not leaving you in this state and that's final. You can argue and push me away all you want but I'm staying here. Understood?"

It wasn't her intension to sound so angry and controlling but she meant what she said, she wasn't leaving her in this state. Amanda immediately stopped fussing as she heard the firm and loud tone of Olivia, and she couldn't find a single ounce of energy to say something bold back or even lift her arm to push the brunette away one more time. Instead, everything that had happend over the past few days, the abortion, the emotional pain, the current physical pain, the nightmares and the constant feeling of being all alone kicked in and she couldn't find the strength in herelf to keep the tears and sobs at bay.

She took a deep breath, that sounded more like a choking noise more than anything, and her eyes briefly met Olivia's deeply concerned ones, full of kindness and grace, before she lost all her willpower and pride and broke down in heart wrenching and gut twisting wails, crying out her pain, sorrow and defeat. Nothing could compare to the agony and despair she felt in that very moment and all she wanted was to lie down, fall into the deepest of sleeps and forget about everything that had happened and not being able to feel, hear or see anything surrounding her. This was her living hell that she couldn't seem to escape.

The agonizing sobs tore through the four walls in the small room that they were in, piercing Olivia's eardrums like a child that had fallen from a hight and hurt themselves. She couldn't even begin to imagine what Amanda must be feeling or going through. Her heart went out to the small blonde and all she wanted to do was to somehow ease all her pain and suffering with one single word or touch but that wasn't possible.

Instead, the brunette sat down on the chilly tiles, gently wrapped an arm around Amanda's middle, pulling her close, while she slipped her other arm underneath her knees and hauled her into her lap, rocking her, soothing her and calming her with the most gentle of touches and kisses. "Shhh, breathe for me, sweetheart, just breathe. You're gonna be okay, I've got you, baby, I've got you now."

Amanda cried in the earnest, trying to swallow most of the threatening wails but it only made it worse as a coughing fit erupted from her chest and she struggled to catch her breath. "Don't fight it, honey. If you need to cry and scream then do so. It's okay, don't hide from me." Amanda's face was nestled in the crook of her neck, feeling the warm droplets trickle down her skin and how her erratic breathing blew puffs of air onto her collarbone and upper chest. It was like holding a little girl, Olivia thought as the form in her arms seemed smaller than the last time she had held her and she knew then that she had to keep a mindful eye on the blonde, making sure she ate and slept alright.

"You still feeling sick, honey?" she whispered into a nearby ear after almost ten minutes of silence. She gazed down at the tear stained face bellow her chin and brushed the blonde side fringe away from her eyes, feeling her skin hot and clammy to the touch. Amanda shook her head, too tired to verbally answer and stiffled another sob that almost made it out through dry cracked lips. "Okay, that's good, honey, that's good. Do you think we can get you standing up so you can rinse your mouth and wash your face a bit?"

The blonde offered a shaky nod and began to push herself up, from her all too comfortable and secure position in Olivia's arms, and stood on two weak and trembling legs, not knowing if her limbs would carry her weight for a longer period of time.

Finally standing, Amanda leaned against the sink as Olivia turned the tap, letting the cold water run freely so she could soak the towel once more and gently wipe her face and neck with it, all while softly talking to the sickly woman, reassuring her that she wasn't alone and that she would feel better in the morning. "You wanna brush your teeth before bed?" Liv didn't really wait for an answer as she squeezed out a fair amount of toothpaste onto the only toothbrush she could see and held it out to Amanda, watching her take it with great effort. "Do you need help, honey?" she gently offered as she guided the half conscious woman down onto the toilet seat.

Amanda shook her head. She wasn't going to let Olivia brush her teeth like some child who was incapable of doing it by her or himself. She had lost too much pride already and was not about to let someone, anyone, brush her teeth for her. No way. It was a strenuous task but she somehow managed to halfheartedly brush them clean and rinse her mouth while Olivia went to search for a glass of water and an empty bucket to spare Amanda the journey to the toilet in case she had to vomit again.

Olivia almost had to carry the blonde to the bedroom, Amanda leaning heavily against her as they slowly made it into the one bedroom bungalow and gently lowered the younger woman onto the double bed, pulled the covers back and fluffed her pillows to make her as comfortable as possible. "Lie down, Amanda. You need to get some sleep so you can get better. I promise you that you won't feel as sick in a few hours time but, until then, I'm afraid there's not much I can do for you except be here and help you in any way I can. I'm sorry, sweetie, but these are the side affects from the medication."

As Amanda placed her head on the pillow, she glanced up at Olivia with teary eyes and a quivering bottom lip, feeling like a small child who was hungry for comfort. "What have I done?" she whispered with a broken voice, her throat once again clogging up from overwhelming emotions.

Olivia sat down on the side of the bed, taking Amanda's hand in a gentle hold while her other hand caressed the blotchy face, brushing damp blonde hair away from her forehead. "Shhh, don't try to think about anything, my love. You're so tired, so exhausted and your mind and body is not really cooperating at the moment but, don't worry, after you've gotten some sleep you will feel better, I promise you that, sweetie, I promise you that."

Tears began to fall from pale blue eyes and landed on the white pillowcase underneath and Olivia felt her whole chest ache for her new friend. "I... I'm sorry." she croaked between hiccups and sobs. "I'm... I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to be so... so mean, I... I'm didn't... I'm not..."

"Shhh, sweetheart, you have nothing to apologize for. I completely understand why you did it and I know it's not gonna be the last." she smiled sadly while she continued to stroke the heated face of the woman she had come to care so much for. "Don't think, just sleep. I'll be right here if you need anything."

Amanda had managed to calm her breathing and worries down a bit as Olivia kept up with her steady flow of reassuring touches and words but, after a few minutes, the blonde was still not settling. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" she cooed into the darkish room, hearing a tiny sniffle.

"Would you... um, could you maybe... um... I..."

"Would you like me to hold you?" Liv interrupted, her voice so low and soft, so full of care and kindness that it made Amanda's eyes tear up once again.

"Please." she whimpered and let herself be enveloped in the safe arms of the Lieutenant.

Liv got comfortable and pulled the frail body into her arms, as close as she possibly could, and placed the softest of kisses on Amanda's forehead and temple. "I'm right here, sweetie, right here and I'll hold you all night long. Just sleep now. Just sleep."


	14. Chapter 14

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 14

Amanda woke with a startle. Something felt wrong, something felt really wrong. She laid still, barely breathing, staring at the ceiling and listened to the soft snores that emitted from Olivia's lips who was still lying next to her, asleep. She had slept through the night without any problems and she did feel rested. Still tired but rested. There was a dull ache in her lower belly, not as bad as it had been last night but still sore and uncomfortable. She shifted a little, stretching her body out slowly, gradually, but hissed slightly as the dull ache intensified and started to cramp slightly. What was happening?

She glanced over at the sleeping brunette, making sure she was indeed asleep, before she slowly pushed herself up into a sitting position, groaning faintly as she finally sat upright. Something still didn't feel right. Something was wrong... down there! Carefully, she snuck out of the bedroom and dragged herself to the bathroom, desperate to find out what was wrong and what was causing her discomfort.

Pulling her pants down, she lifted the lid to the toilet and took a seat, her legs still shaky from the night before. That's when she saw it! The pad she had put on last night was half filled with blood, bright and dark in colour but what stood out the most was the really dark, almost black, small clot in the middle, the size of a small grape, shiny and wobbly, like jelly. She brought her hands up to cover her mouth but it was already too late as an agonizing shriek tore through the walls and she couldn't help but to cry out in sadness, pain and relief. It was done. It was over with.

Liv popped an eye open as soon as she heard the high pitched sound coming from somewhere down the hallway. She immediately looked to her right and saw that the other half of the bed was empty, no Amanda. Slightly confused and still half asleep, she stood up, quickly ran her fingers through her slightly tangled brown locks and slipped out of the dim lit room and she could instantly see the light coming through from the crack underneath the bathroom door. "Amanda?" she called softly, standing only a couple of feet away, hearing her whimper from inside. "Amanda?"

There was no reply, just another faint whimper could be heard and Olivia didn't waste another second before flinging the door open, almost tearing it off of it's hinges in the process, afraid that Amanda had hurt herself. What she saw, she wasn't expecting.

The blonde sat on the toilet, hands covered her face, tears seeping through her fingers and her shoulders shook with tense sobs and cries that she refused to let out. Her pants and panties were pulled down and Olivia immediately noticed the blood and the dark small circular clot in her pad and knew straight away what she was looking at. "Oh, sweetheart!" she gasped and went straight in, ready to assist in any way she could, and she was somewhat surprised when Amanda didn't protest when she began to pull the pants and underwear off of her legs. Instead the crying woman just sat there, hands still covering her damp face and her breathing had turned shallow but laboured.

"Shhh, easy, breath for me, honey. Breath." she gently coaxed, pulled a towel from a hook nearby, covered Amanda's bare legs with it and tenderly stroked a naked knee. "It's over now, Amanda, it's over. You've been so brave, sweetheart and I'm so proud of you for being so strong." she shifted closer, placed a hand behind the blonde head and pulled her close to her chest, caressing the fair tresses in a soothing manner, hushing her as she continued her strokes.

The time passed and Liv noticed how cold Amanda's skin had gotten and decided that it was time for a warm shower and then something to eat. It took some time to get the blonde into the tub while trying to let her keep some of her dignity and pride at the same time but, with some gentle coaxing and guidance, she was now warming up underneath the warm spray of the showerhead, washing all the horrors away.

Olivia had gone in search for something warm and comfortable that Amanda could wear and she found a pair of sweatpants, underwear, a large t shirt and a woolly cardigan that she could use to warm her bones with. Nothing fancy but that was the least of their worries. She slowly entered the bathroom once again, saddened to see that Amanda hadn't moved an inch and was sitting in the same position as she had left her in, knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her lower legs, hugging herself tightly.

"Hey, honey. I found you something to wear. I'm gonna put them right here." she stated and placed the neatly folded clothing on the toilet, hoping Amanda had registered at least some of her words. Food was another issue and Liv felt bad for snooping around the small kitchen for anything edible but she didn't really have another choice. She found some canned tomato soup and some crackers in the cupboard above the small cooker and began to fix them a late breakfast or an early lunch, she wasn't sure which one.

She stirred the soup, absentmindedly, with a wooden spoon, thinking about everything that had taken place within the past twelve hours. A lot had happened and the though of Amanda having to go through all this broke her heart into tiny little pieces. It was almost unimaginable how things had gone from bad to worse, then back to bad before finally hitting the breaking point once again. Hopefully Amanda could now begin to heal and process everything in her own time, with professional help and the support from Olivia and Sarah. It wasn't going to be easy but she had survived her attack, survived Lucas vile and gruesome hands and, twice, survived the abortion procedure and now the healing process could begin.

Liv turned as she heard a faint noise coming from behind. Amanda stood in the doorway, pale, shaking, hair wet, swimming in her clothes, arms wrapped around her middle and her eyes looked raw and bloodshot but, to Olivia, she looked absolutely beautiful and she felt her chest and heart swell with pride for the woman standing in front of her. "Hey, you look a bit better. I hope you don't mind me rummaging through your cupboards and drawers. I found some tomato soup and crackers that should go down easily. Why don't you take a seat and I'll bring it to you."

"You... you didn't have to do all that just for me." she stuttered but made her way to the small kitchen table and sat down, bringing her knees up to her chest, hugging herself to keep warm.

"There's not much to it really. A pot and a wooden spoon with some already made soup is my specialty." she smiled and winked as she brought a steaming hot bowl over and placed it in front of the blonde. "Hang on." she said and left the kitchen but returned a few seconds later with a blanket Amanda had used the night before and spread it gently across her shoulders, rubbing her back soothingly a couple of times before getting her own bowl and crackers. "I hope you like it cause I heated it all by myself." she chuckled and was secretly delighted when she got a faint smile back.

Amanda couldn't finish her soup but she did eat most of it which Olivia took as a good sign and, after she had cleared the table, Amanda was still seated on the chair, the blanket tightly surrounding her and her pale blue eyes were filled with so many emotions Olivia couldn't even start counting. "How are you doing, sweetie, hmm?" she stood a couple of feet away, head cocked to one side and her eyes expressed nothing but care and concern.

The glistening eyes of the blonde fluttered slightly before they made contact with Olivia, a question lingering inside them. "Do you hate me?" she whispered so faint that the brunette almost missed it.

"What? No! Honey, why on earth would I hate you?" Olivia approached the seated blonde, kneeled before her and laid both of her hands on Amanda's knees, squeezing gently. "You have done nothing wrong."

"You don't hate me for having an abortion?" the tears rolled down her pale cheeks as her bottom lip began to tremble.

Olivia felt her own eyes burn with unshed tears, her heart breaking at the sight of pleading blue orbs. "Absolutely not, sweetheart." she brushed a lone tear with the pad of her thumb, letting her palm rest flush against Amanda's soft cheek. "I don't hate you, I don't resent you, I don't blame you and I don't judge you. You have nothing to be sorry, guilty or ashamed of. I'm just sorry that you went through with it all alone. I would've been there for you and so would Sarah. I want you to know that you can tell me anything, you can talk to me about whatever you want and need to talk about. I'm _here_ for _you._ "

That was all it took for Amanda before she collapsed into Olivia's safe arms, shuddering with so many emotions that she thought she might pass out. She sobbed so hard she could barely catch her breath, cried so intensively her head began to pound and her fingers started to tingle from too much air too fast. "Easy, sweetheart, easy! Breath for me, honey, you've got this. Shhh." she rubbed the quaking back in large soothing circles, feeling the tension and the rawness emitting from her muscles beneath her palm with each sob.

When things didn't seem to calm down, she carefully slipped an arm under Amanda's knees while the other was still wrapped around her shoulders and swiftly hoisted her up. When she felt the body stiffen and heard a fearful gasp, she kissed the blonde's temple, letting her lips ghost her skin as she softly reassured Amanda that she was safe and okay. "You're okay, my love. Everything is okay, shhhh. It's just me, I would never hurt you, sweet girl. I think some more sleep will do you good, hmm. Let me tuck you in, honey. You're so exhausted you can barely keep your eyes open."

She carefully carried her precious cargo back into the bedroom and gently lowered her onto the mattress. "Don't go." Amanda whimpered and clung tightly to Olivia's top, refusing to let go, needing to feel the warmth and safety of the older woman's body. Hungry for comfort.

"I won't go, my love, I won't go, I promise. Let's just get under the covers and warm you up, hmm? You need to get warm, honey. Your skin is icy cold to the touch and you're shivering. Come on, let me tuck you in." she cooed into a delicate ear while pulling the covers over the exhausted body and scooted in beside her, pulling her close to her chest and guided Amanda's face into the crook of her neck to help her feel safe and protected. The small hands were still grasping onto the front of Olivia's top, balling the material in a vice grip, so tight it turned her knuckles white.

"Shh, loosen your grip, honey. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here with you and I'm not gonna let go, I promise. Just try to relax, let your body and mind rest." she soothed and gently caressed the now heated and flushed face with cool hands, blowing a gentle breeze onto her clammy forehead and brushed damp hair away from her face, gazing down at Amanda's tear stained features. "You're okay, baby, you're okay." she whispered as she saw the blue eyes flutter.

Amanda took a shaky but deep breath and loosened her hold on the other woman's shirt, her eyes slowly closing. "You won't... leave?" she questioned in a childlike voice, so faint and innocent that it caused Olivia's threatening tears to finally spill and roll down her cheek.

"No, my sweet girl, I promise I won't. I'll be right here when you wake up. Just rest now, just let go, let yourself rest." she repeated those words over and over again, like a chanting mantra, forcing Amanda to believe her until the blonde eventually slipped into a much needed but uneasy slumber.

For nearly two hours Olivia laid there, watching as Amanda slept, soothed her every moan, every whimper and every frown that appeared on the blonde's features, comforting her even in her sleep. At one stage, Amanda had, unconsciously, even brought her hand up, resting it on Olivia's breast and cuddled as close as she possibly could against the older woman's warm and soft body. The touch wasn't sexual in any way and didn't cause arousal or any urges on Olivia's part, just a huge sense of warmth, empathy and compassion was dwelling inside her chest and a feeling she couldn't describe with a word other than love.

Was she falling for the woman or was it just a deep, strong and authentic care she had developed during the past few weeks? Love. According to Olivia, the word love, has such a wide spectrum. You can love someone or something on so many different levels and capacity but being _in_ love was something totally different.

Being in love was something that Olivia had only experienced once before, many years ago, with the precincts assistant district attorney Alexandra Cabot. They were happily in love for a couple of years before the ADA was placed in witness protection program and they were separated. Years later, the attorney returned to New York, as herself, but the years they had spent apart had done too much damage to both of them, forcing them to let each other go and move on. Alex was still in the city but working another precinct. They still talked to each other when their paths crossed out in the field but nothing more and they were both very professional about it.

Looking down at a sleeping Amanda, she could feel the tingly and warm sensation, that she thought was buried too deep and too long to ever resurface again, swirl around inside her whole being and cause her heart to skip a beat and her stomach to flutter. Was it like this with Alex? She couldn't remember since it was such a long time ago but it was definitely very similar, maybe even stronger this time, deeper and more filling.

Eventually, she felt the blonde stir in her arms, letting out a soft moan as her eyes fluttered open. They still looked raw and sore, glazed over with a sheen of sadness and something else that Olivia couldn't put a word to. "Hey, sleepyhead. Did you have a nice sleep? You were kind of restless and kept whimpering and moving around. You okay?"

Amanda blinked several times, trying to get the sleepiness out of her eyes and adjust to the bright light that the sun created in the cozy bedroom. "Um, yeah. Weird dreams, I think. Don't remember them though." she whispered. Suddenly she bolted upright as she realized her hand was placed on Olivia's full breast, embarrassed and completely shocked by her action. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry! I... I didn't... I wasn't aware of... I'm not..."

"Hey, shhh, it's okay." Liv soothed as she joined the blonde in a sitting position, resting their backs against the wall behind. "You were asleep, you didn't know. Calm down, it's okay, honey." Amanda threw her a side glance, not looking convinced and blamed herself for her inappropriate behaviour. "How are you feeling? Still tired?" the brunette asked softly, placing a hand on Amanda's covered knee.

"Um, yeah... a bit, I guess. Shouldn't you be at work? I... I don't want to be the reason why you're absent. You can go, I'll be okay."

The look on Amanda's face told Liv straight away that she was lying but decided not to mention it. "Well, being the boss has it's advantages and benefits. I have so much vacation time worked up I could probably take a whole year off, paid." she chuckled.

"It must be difficult, having a job like yours, dealing with these kind of issues every day." the blonde murmured. "How do you do it? How do you find the strength to get up every morning knowing that you might face pedophiles, rapists and monsters? Why put yourself throught it? I know I couldn't."

Liv pursed her lips, thinking about her response carefully before answering. "Someone has to. It is hard, I'm not gonna deny that, but it's also very rewarding when justice is being done and the perp is locked up and behind bars. Not every case has a happy ending but most do. I guess I've learnt how to relish the moments when we do win and take into consideration that one more perp is off the street, or their home, and won't be able to hurt another person ever again. Plus, it's amazing to see how survivors find another lease in life, how they flourish and thrive after being through something terrible and traumatic. I love my job and I wouldn't know what to do without it."

"You're amazing." Amanda said after a brief silence. Her cheeks flushed at the embarrassing statement but she spoke the truth. "I... I don't know what I would've done if it weren't for you. I'm so glad that I texted you by mistake that day. I... I mean... I... what I'm trying to say is; thank you. Thank you for everything you've done for me, even the things that weren't in your job description, like holding my hair back when I puked my guts up, making me soup so I would eat, giving me the number to your therapist and driving all the way out here just to make sure I'm okay. I... I really appreciate it, more than you know."

Smiling lovingly, Liv gently roped an arm around Amanda's petite shoulders, pulled her against her side and kissed the blonde tresses, letting her lips linger for several seconds before tucking the blonde head against her chest. "You're more than welcome, my love. I'm just glad that I'm here with you and that you're talking to me, opening up to me and letting me in. I'm here for you, honey, in whatever way, shape or form you might need me and I promise you that I will do whatever I can to help you through this. You deserve to be happy, sweetheart, you deserve to be truly happy."

Hearing those word coming from Olivia meant a lot to the younger woman and she could feel her heart and chest swell with unspoken emotions that were dying to come out. The feelings she had towards Olivia only grew stronger by each day and she wondered how long it would take before she would burst.


	15. Chapter 15

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 15

Amanda walked out from yet another session with dr Lindström. Three weeks had passed since the abortion and telling her therapist about it had helped her more than she thought was possible. She had started to feel better. There was not as much guilt and blame swirling around in her system anymore, her fear of sleeping had decreased and she was less afraid to close her eyes at night, apprehensive yes. She knew the dreams were not real, they couldn't hurt her, couldn't touch or physically cause her harm in any way but it was the aftermath of the dreams that upset her so. The really vivid dreams were the worst, making it difficult sometimes to distinguish a dream from reality and she then found it terrifying to go back to sleep.

She had also apologized to Sarah for yelling at her and for being so rude and inconsiderate. Her friend didn't hesitate for a second before she had flung herself into Amanda's arms, hugging it all out and they had talked about everything that had happened, their emotions, feelings and thoughts that they had separately experienced during the time when they weren't speaking and they had both agreed on to never withhold such important and vital things from each other ever again. Nothing good came out of it.

The strong feelings she had for Olivia had only grown even stronger and it was extremely difficult to be around the bruntte and therefore tried to avoid to be in her proximity. They had met up for coffee a couple of times since the emotional incident at Amanda's beach house but the blonde had made their meetings short and platonic, afraid to get too attaced to the Lieutenant but also knowing that it was too late. Olivia had seen her at her most vulnerable state, seen her practically naked and had held her so tenderly and intimate in her arms, promising to never let go and that she would always be there no matter what. The mere thought that Olivia had seen her in such a weakened state made her feel embarrassed and, also slightly angry at herself, for losing control of her emotions like that. In other words, she unconsciously pushed the brunette away to avoid dealing with the intense feelings she had towards her. It was easier that way.

Liv was no fool and knew exactly what Amanda was doing but decided to give her some time to see if things would change but, after their second meeting and after Amanda avoiding her phone calls, Olivia had had enough. There was only so much space and time that she could offer the younger woman before she would go crazy herself. The feelings she had for Amanda were real and genuine, the physical attraction, the strong pull she had towards her whenever she was around, and the undoubtedly obvious connection they had when it came to one another, were all crystal clear in anyone's eyes. Enough is enough, Liv had said out loud to herself one evening and decided to get to the bottom of all this before things got worse, maybe even irreversible.

The loud knock echoed through the building corridor as Olivia firmly tapped on the door with her knuckles, hoping Amanda would answer. She heard noises and movements from behind the door and frowned at how loud they were. She knocked again, more forcefully this time, and the racket from inside came to a halt. "Amanda, it's me, Olivia. I know you're in there. Could you open the door for me, please?"

Liv heard a loud thud and a long string of obscenities being sputtered out before the door unlocked and opened. Amanda looked tired but otherwise okay, her cheeks were flushed, her chest heaving slightly due to physical strain and blonde tresses had escaped her ponytail and was now hanging loosely, framing her face. "Liv, what... um, what are you doing here?"

Olivia's eyebrows shot up underneath her long side fringe and her eyes scanned the hallway behind the younger woman. There were boxes everywhere, some full, some empty, the couch was full of books, photo albums and various random items layed scattered across the coffee table and the floor, almost making it look like a crime scene inside the apartment.

"What's going on, Amanda?" she questioned as her eyes still wandered the messy surroundings.

"I'm um,... I'm moving." came the simple and short reply, as if it was the most logical and obvious thing in the world.

Brown eyes finally focused on blue and she could clearly see a foggy and distant layer covering the surface, glazing over them like a thin sheet of fragile glass. "You're moving? Where?"

"I'm moving in with Sarah for a while, until I find my own place, I... I can't stay here. Every time I... I walk through the door I see his face... smell him, hear him." her eyes fluttered close for a second, her nostrils flared slightly as her mind went back to that day, reliving it all as if it was happening now, right this minute. As quickly as the flashback had started, it's ended and she took a deep and shaky breath, turned and walked back into the apartment and began to wrap her crystal wine glasses in newspaper so they could later be boxed away.

"My therapist thought it was a good idea. A fresh start and all that. I'm going back to work next week. I need some stability and routine in my life or I'll go crazy." she stated, shrugging her shoulders in a nonchalant manner. "Or crazier." she chuckled.

"You're not crazy, Amanda. You have Rape Trauma Syndrome and it's not something that's going to go away with the click of a button. It takes time to process everything that happened to you and..."

"Yeah, I know." the blonde interrupted as she began wrapping her third glass. "That's what the shrink told me so I don't need to hear it again." exasperated and angry, she finished the third glass and proceeded to wrap the fourth. Her hands were shaking, her head was all over the place and her movements jittery. Not fully aware of how much pressure she used, as she stuffed some of the newspaper inside the crystal ball, she got somewhat of a freight when it suddenly burst in her hand and a sharp stinging pain caused her to hiss, then curse.

"Fuck!" she grunted, clutching the hand to her chest, eyes squeezed tightly shut as she fought the tears.

"Let me see!" Liv quickly approached Amanda, gently laid her hands upon the clutched arm and softly pulled it from it's secure position but the blonde flinched. "It's okay, I just want to have a look." her voice was mostly a whisper, low and soothing.

Amanda began to cry, but the tears were not caused by the physical pain, they were tears of frustration, confusion, mental exhaustion, shame and anger, almost rage. How many times had Olivia seen her like this and how many more sudden emotional outbursts were lined up in the future? She was so sick of it all, sick of feeling vulnerable, sick of being so jumpy all the time and sick of not being able to go through a whole day without seeing Lucas face in the most unexpected places. Sick of it all.

Olivia frowned as she saw the small stream of tears rolling down Amanda's cheeks. She let go of the arm, her hands hovering in the air for a few seconds, not knowing what to do or what had caused this sudden reaction, because she knew it wasn't caused by the now bleeding cut. Eventually she drew closer, stepping into Amanda's personal space, so close she could feel the heat from the smaller woman's body and tenderly roped her arms around the quivering form, holding onto her ever so lightly, giving Amanda the chance to step out of the embrace if she so wished. However, that didn't happen. Instead she leaned heavily against the Lieutenant's warm and secure frame and let out a shuddering sob that tore at Olivia's heart.

"Shhh, Amanda, it's okay, honey. Everything is okay, I've got you." she murmured into a nearby ear but was taken by surprise when the blonde suddenly pulled herself out of the embrace, wiping her tears angrily with her good hand.

"Why is it that you always see me at my worst?" she yelled. "Every time I'm near you I start bawling my eyes out. It's like you have some kind of hold over me, controlling me and making me do and feel things that I... that I'm afraid to even think about. Why are you making me feel this way, Olivia?" Amanda pointed at herself, emphasizing her words. She was still yelling, angry at the older woman for bringing buried and pushed aside emotions to the surface when she wasn't ready to deal with them yet. Her face was wet with washed tears, blotchy and red, blue eyes appearing even deeper in colour due to her glossy vision. "Why can't you just leave me alone and stay out of my fucked up life? I don't understand what you're doing to me?"

Amanda was almost hyperventilating, her chest heaved profusely and she had worked herself up into a state where her whole body shook from anger and exasperation but the brunette remained calm and collected, her voice still annoyingly comforting and soothing. "How do I make you feel, Amanda? What is it that I do to you? What do you feel? Tell me!" she softly but firmly insisted.

This was all too much for Amanda. She knew what she felt for Olivia but, for some reasons, she denied it, pushed it as far down as she possibly could to avoid the real feelings from blooming inside of her. Why? She didn't know. "You scare me." she suddenly screamed, shocked by the temporary power in her voice. "And I think you know what I feel for you, so why do you torture me? Why do I have to say it? Why do I have to justify it for you?"

Olivia sighed and took a small step closer. "I don't need you to justify it for me. I need you to say it out loud for _yourself_. I have feelings for you too but I can't act or do anything about them until you tell me what you're feeling." There was a brief pause. "Why do I scare you, honey?"

Amanda's bottom lip quivered and she almost felt like a child who was afraid to be told off. Her gaze lowered and she refused to establish eye contact, afraid that Olivia would see straight through her, afraid that she would see everything hidden inside of her, afraid to let her emotions show. "Amanda, please, look at me, honey." Liv softly pleaded as she closed the small gap between the two, placed two fingers under her chin and gently brought her head up only to be met with a pair of eyes shut so tightly her face was all scrunched up. "Amanda, look at me, sweetheart."

The blonde could feel Olivia's breath on her face and knew that she was close. Very close. Almost too close which caused Amanda to feel even more afraid to open them. Then, her heart stopped for a second and her breath hitched inside of her chest as she felt a soft pair of lips tenderly kiss each closed eye, then her cheeks, her nose and finally her lips.

The softness of Olivia's warm and plump lips was nothing she had ever felt before. She was too shocked to move or even reciprocate the kiss. Instead she just stood there, relishing the moment, savoring the taste and feel of the other woman's incredibly soft and luscious lips. The tender sensation caused her chest to flutter and there was a tingling and heated pull in the pit if her stomach, like a fire ready to be lit, a glow that needed just that extra bit of air to finally burst into flames. She felt alive.

When she felt Olivia's tongue gently caress her bottom lip, asking for entrance, only then did she kiss her back by slowly moving her mouth against the Lieutenant's, opening her lips slightly to grant her the access she was asking for. When their tongues met Amanda stopped breathing. The soft and warm sensation of being kissed by this incredible woman was so intoxicating, so fierce and nearly overwhelming. The fire, she thought had burnt out so long ago, ignited once again and every fibre, every cell and every atom in her whole body tingled, almost electric.

When Olivia reluctantly pulled away, she noticed that Amanda's face was relaxed but her eyes were still closed and her mouth was slightly open, lips darker. "Hey, look at me, sweetie." she whispered while cupping the blonde's face in her hands, rubbing her thumbs just underneath her eyes.

Eventually Amanda picked up the courage and her eyes fluttered open. Olivia was only a couple of inches away from her face, the brunette searching the blue gaze as she smiled gently. "Breathe, honey!" she encouraged as she realized that the blonde's chest wasn't moving. "Just breathe."

It then occurred to Amanda that she needed air in her lungs and she took a big gulp of it as if she had been under water for a long period of time and just broke the surface, hungry for oxygen. "I... I'm... that... I... what..."

"I finally managed to take a woman's breath away _and_ make her speechless with one single kiss. Not bad." grinning from ear to ear, Olivia snickered at her own joke and was happy to see a faint smile on the younger woman's lips as well, and a nice shade of pink on her cheeks. "That was incredible, honey. Thank you for trusting me enough to kiss you. It means a lot to me, more than you know. How're you feeling now?" she asked as she lovingly caressed a flushed cheek.

"I... I'm not... sure." Amanda stuttered, her eyes burrowing into Olivia's brown. "My heart is pounding." she didn't know why she said that, why she admitted to it, but she did.

Liv placed a warm hand on Amanda's upper chest, palm flush against her skin and felt the strong rapid beats beneath. "Yeah, I can feel it, honey. You okay?" she frowned and ducked her head to get a better view of the woman's face and watch as Amanda nodded slightly, her demeanor still nervous and guarded. "Come here, sweetie." Olivia offered her a wan smile and gently pulled her close to her own chest, letting her fingers comb through the blonde locks. "I've got you, honey. You're okay." she soothed while rocking them both from side to side until Amanda's heartbeat had calmed significantly.

"Do you need a hand packing?" the Lieutenant offered, looking around the messy apartment then back to Amanda.

"Um, yeah... sure, that... that would be great, thanks." she was relieved by the sudden change of topic and the much lighter atmosphere in the room after their loaded kiss.

Sarah arrived shortly after to give her friend a hand, quite surprised to see Olivia there but also happy, sensing that there was something going on between the two, which meant that Amanda was feeling better and getting ready to move on and explore her feelings for the brunette. The moving truck arrived an hour later to take away all the items and boxes that were being put into storage and, left inside the apartment, was only her clothes, toiletries, some personal items and some work stuff.

"You got everything you need?" Sarah asked while looking at the four large garbage bags full of clothes, shoes, accessories and sentimental trinkets. The blonde nodded, grabbed a bag and hauled it over her shoulder. "If we all grab one bag each then I can... oh, Lieutenant! You've been working out!"

Liv had already grabbed a bag in each hand before Sarah could finish her sentense, adjusting the weight slightly before shrugging sheepishly. "I drink a lot of milk."

Well settled in her new temporary abode, Amanda made them all some tea, since it was a bit too late in the evening for coffee. They were all seated in the livingroom, around the small coffee table, talking, laughing and sipping their hot beverages and Olivia listened to old embarrassing stories of things Amanda had done while Sarah and her were still a couple. Her stomach and face hurt from all the laughing and she had to wipe her leaking eyes on several occasions as she didn't seem to be able to stop the tears from falling.

At eight o'clock, Sarah suddenly stood up, staring at her watch with wide eyes. "Oh my god! I'm gonna be so late. I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you that I have a date tonight, well in about thirty minutes to be exact, and I have to freshen up and get changed." she ran towards her bedroom in a panic and began to rummage through her drawers and closet for something that would be appropriate on a fist date. "Feel free to stay as long as you want, Olivia. Mi casa es su casa!"

They had finished their tea long ago. The empty cups now standing on the table and the two women, especially Amanda, didn't really know what to say. They had shared a kiss, a kiss that exceeded all of Amanda's expectations, so why was it so hard to share a normal conversation about normal topics? She could see Olivia from the corner of her eye how she threw her side glances with a slight worried expression on her face, obviously wanting to know what was going through Amanda's head. They shared a few words, chuckling nervously at each other's meek attempts of cracking a joke, when Sarah finally entered the livingroom, all dressed up and ready to go.

"Don't wait up for me." she laughed while throwing the two women, still seated on the couch, a wink and headed out the door.

There was now a dead silence inside the apartment. They were sitting in a corner each on the large three seater, leaving plenty of space between the two. Too much space for Olivia's liking. She watched from the corner of her eye how the blonde began to fidget with the hem on one of the cushions in a nervous manner, her jaw clenched tightly and the brunette could almost hear her pulse hammering from four feet away. "Amanda?" she called out softly but didn't get as much as a glance back. "Amanda?" she tried again, softer this time but with more need in her voice.

The blonde finally turned her head to meet Olivia's gaze and saw that the brunette had turned slighty sideways, patting the empty space between them, urging for Amanda to come closer. "Come here, honey." she opened up her arms so the younger woman could easily snuggle into her front and was delighted and relieved when Amanda did just that. "That's it, I've got you, honey. You okay?" she caressed the soft and fair tresses underneath her chin, feeling the blonde head nod.

Olivia wasn't convinced by the silent answer but decided not to push it. She could sense that there was a lot of hidden emotions and fear in Amanda's silence but she couldn't force her to talk if she wasn't ready or willing. Instead, Olivia had no choice but to take the small silent nod as a good thing, and it was, for now. For now, in this moment, this physical closeness meant everything to Olivia, feeling like she needed the bodily contact more that air itself.


	16. Chapter 16

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 16

 **A/N Thank you everyone for kind and amazing reviews and feedback. It truly means a lot to me and it's Your reviews that keeps me writing. Be good.**

"I'd like to take you out on a date. Would that be okay?"

The two women were still silently snuggled into each other on the couch. Almost twenty minutes had passed since Sarah had left them to their own devices and Amanda had nearly fallen asleep inside the warm and safe embrace of the Lieutenant, inhaling Olivia's intoxicating scent every time she took a breath. The brunette's soft voice brought her out of her own sleepy thoughts and she couldn't help but to chuckle lightly at Olivia's innocent request.

"What's so funny, Miss Rollins? You sure can give a girl a complex." the brunette teased and poked her playfully in the ribs.

"I think we're doing this whole relationship thing in the wrong order. Shouldn't we date first before we kiss and snuggle?" Amanda stated, giggling at the delightful sensation of Olivia's gentle fingers tickling her side.

"Well, who says we can't skip one step and then go back to it later? Or are there rules and regulations on how to court someone step by step?" Liv tickled her again and her heart skipped a beat as Amanda's bright laughter echoed through the room. "You have a beautiful laugh, sweetheart. It's wonderful to hear it." she whispered softly but frowned as she felt Amanda stiffen slightly in her arms. "What's wrong, honey?" brushing the blonde strands that had fallen into her face away, she looked into the blue eyes of the woman she cared so much about.

"I'm scared." Amanda admitted and bent her head down in shame but at the same time she couldn't resist to cuddle in closer to warmth and security of Olivia.

"What are you afraid of, sweetie? You know I would never intentionally hurt you, right?" she cooed into a nearby ear and ran her hand soothingly up and down her back.

"I know, it's just..." her voice quivered faintly as she felt her chest tighten, cursing herself for, once again, being so damn emotional. "What if I can't.. I mean, if we have... if we decide to..."

"Honey, are you talking about being intimate?" Olivia shifted in her seat, cocked her head to the side, forcing Amanda to look at her. "Honey, we don't have to think about that for now. I'm happy just being close to you. If holding you like this is the only thing we do then that's perfectly alright with me, but I don't think we should worry about it for now, sweetie. You're still healing and it might take some time before you feel comfortable being physically close to another person in a sexual way. It's perfectly normal and okay for you to be scared and have these feeling. I'm a bit scared too." Liv admitted. "I haven't dated anyone in a long time so I'm a bit rusty." she winked and nudged the blonde in the shoulder. "You're in control, honey, and there's nothing you can't talk to me about without feeling embarrassed, afraid or ashamed. I'm here for you whatever you need me for and I promise you that you won't always feel this vulnerable and scared. It will get better, my love, it will get better."

Sighing deeply, Amanda lifted her head from it's comfortable position on Olivia's chest and let her gaze slowly travel to the dark and plump lips only inches away from hers. "I like kissing you." she whispered, her eyes still glued to the Lieutenant's delicious mouth.

The blonde felt the warm and sweet breath of the brunette as she spoke. "I like kissing you too, sweetheart. You're very good at it." she smirked and let her fingers gently caress Amanda's soft cheek, her eyes memorizing the younger woman's facial features for a while, studying her intently. "I'm so sorry you had to go through such horrid and painful events. I wish I could take that pain away from you. I'm here with you, every step of the way and whatever you need, you just let me know, okay?"

Amanda just swallowed and nodded, not wantingt to break the spell. "Can I... can I kiss you again?"

To Olivia she sounded so small and innocent, as if it was a child asking for another cookie and her heart swelled with tenderness and care, feeling her eyes nearly tear up. "You can do anything you feel comfortable doing. We move at your pace, honey, just remember to breath this time." she smiled and ever so gently brushed her thumb across Amanda's slightly parted lips, waiting for the other woman to lean in.

As their lips met for their second kiss, Amanda let out a low moan, surprising them both and deepened their liplock by brushing her tongue across Olivia's lips, begging for permission to slip inside. When their tongues met, Liv found it extremely hard not to pull the smaller woman closer and ravish her right there on the couch. This was all about making Amanda feel safe, in control and grounded, not about herself trying to satisfy her own needs and wants but, when she felt Amanda's lips quiver slightly against her own, as if she had suddenly turned nervous, she took expert control of the kiss herself but in a slow and caring way, letting Amanda know that she could pull away at any time.

However, Amanda didn't pull away, and easily got back into it, placing a hand behind Olivia's head, pulling her even closer. She had suddenly got this strong need to feel the older woman close to her body, to see her, touch her and taste every little bit of her lips, wanting to forever remember the flavour of Olivia. When she eventually pulled away for air, she felt her lips tingle and throb with every heart beat, her mouth bruised and wet from the passionate kiss.

"That was amazing, honey. Thank you." Liv stated, breathless from the intensity of it and rested her forehead against Amanda's, their breaths mingling.

"You don't seem very rusty to me, Liv." she breathlessly whispered, feeling her heart thump inside her chest and how her whole body, all her nerve endings, seemed to be on fire.

Hearing Amanda call her Liv made her whole face light up and she kissed the nose and each cheek gently before placing her forehead back in it's previous position. "I suppose it's like riding a bike, you just get back into it." she smiled while shrugging in nonchalance, causing Amanda to give her a light slap on her arm. "Hey, I'm just saying! Besides, it's easy to kiss someone who's a great kisser themselves."

"Smooth talker." the blonde giggled as Olivia laughed at her comment.

They stayed in each other's embrace for a long moment before Olivia gently but reluctantly pulled away, cupping Amanda's face in her hands. "As much as I'm enjoying having you in my arms, I'm afraid it's getting late and I have perps to bust and asses to kick tomorrow. Will you be okay on your own until Sarah gets back? I can sleep on the couch until she returns if you want me to. Just say the word and I will."

The sincere and strong tone of Olivia's voice told her that she wasn't just being polite but she actually meant every word and would probably sleep in a bathtub or on the kitchen floor if she asked her to. It warmed her heart to think that the older woman would stay well into the night and sacrifice a much needed good night's sleep just for her. No one had ever done that before, not since her relationship with Sarah and it overwhelmed her that someone thought that she was worth the trouble.

She did feel a bit apprehensive about being left on her own, even just for a few hours, but Olivia had done so much for her already and there was no way she was going to take her up on the offer. "I'll be fine but thank you." she followed the brunette to the door, their hands linked and bodies close.

"Call me if you need me, for any reason, any time, day or night, okay?" Amanda nodded. "Promise me?"

"I promise."

Olivia narrowed her eyes and bent her knees slightly, so she could get a good look at Amanda's face, still not convinced but decided to let it go. "Okay, are you free tomorrow for dinner and maybe a movie? I can pick you up at seven and we'll go from there."

"Sounds good." the blonde said softly, suddenly feeling butterflies flutter around in her stomach, nervous and excited at the same time.

Liv leaned in and gave her a soft peck on the lips and ran her fingers down one of Amanda's arms, causing goosebumps to break out on the surface of her pale smooth skin. "Lock the door, I hope you have sweet dreams and I'll see you tomorrow at seven."

The apartment felt cold and lonely. Olivia's scent and her perfume lingered in the air, making it harder not to miss the gorgeous brunette and her secure and comforting presence. Sighing, she decided to get busy and to unpack her bags full of clothes, finding new spaces for them in the closet and the chest of drawers that Sarah had cleared out for her in the spare room. She slipped her phone into her docking station, scrolled through her playlist on spotify and decided she was in the mood to listen to some tunes from Vera Blue. Humming along and slightly swaying to the music she began to unload the bags, feeling how she slowly calmed down just by doing a simple domestic chore like folding clothes and some light cleaning. For a moment, just for a minute, she felt yet again normal, like nothing bad had ever happened to her and she was living a normal life, doing normal things with normal thoughts running through her head.

"I'm taking her out to dinner tonight."

"Finally, took you long enough." Fin smirked from his desk, hearing his boss's conversation with his coworker Carisi.

"She's been through a lot, guys. I don't want to force or push her into something she's not ready for." Liv explained as she looked up from a file she was holding, her glasses resting on the tip of her nose.

"We know, Liv. We're just yanking your chain." Fin said, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm happy that you're getting out, Lieutenant. It's been a while since I've seen you date anyone."

"God, you're making me out to be an old spinster or a hermit. I do get out, Fin, but thank you for your concern." she closed the file, looked at her watch and realized that it was nearly five pm. "I'm gonna do something I haven't done in years, and that is to leave early for my date. So guys, try not to burn down the place, don't shoot each other and no messing around with your laptops, playing zombie wars or pokemon or whatever it is you do. I expect everything to be in order when I arrive at noon tomorrow."

"Yes, boss." the two male detectives saluted in unison, trying to hold back a smirk from spreading across their lips like two little toddlers that were up to no good.

When she got home, she stepped straight into the shower room freshen up and get rid of the dirt and grime from the day. She was slightly nervous about seeing Amanda tonight, perhaps it was just the fact that they were officially going on a date with dinner, wine, candles and the whole nine yards. She had already made reservations at a restaurant, that she use to visit quite frequently, and she just hoped Amanda would like it. Nothing too fancy but nothing too casual either.

Olivia decided on a black pencil dress that ended just bellow her knees, sleeveless with a deep V neck that showed a lot of cleavage but in a tasteful way. Her heels were also black, make up flawless, her jewellery simple but elegant, her hair bounced softly around her shoulders as she moved and she finished the ensemble with her black favourite coat. She listened to the radio in the car on the way over to Amanda, hoping some familiar tunes would calm her nerves a bit as she felt her stomach doing somersaults. She was never this nervous.

Seven pm, sharp, there was a knock on the front door and Amanda thought her heart was going to pound right out of her chest. She took one last glance at herself in the full length mirror, twisting and turning to get every angle before deciding that she was quite happy with the results. She had wanted to wear a dress but, when she had tried it on earlier, it made her feel extremely exposed and uncomfortable by showing too much skin and she wasn't ready for it. Instead, she had settled on a nice navy pantsuit, heels, a red blazer and her hair was pulled into a perfectly styled bun with her side fringe delicately caressing her forehead.

As soon as she opened the door both women were speechless. The beauty of the other was without a doubt breathtakingly stunning and the silence spoke for itself. "Wow!" Liv finally choked out, swallowing thickly as she felt her throat go dry. "You... you look amazing. Beautifully amazing and amazingly beautiful."

Blushing, Amanda rolled her eyes and smiled shyly. "I think I'm gonna have trouble keeping my eyes off you tonight. You look... wow!" she couldn't find a better word that would describe the perfect picture in front of her and 'wow' didn't do her any justice.

"Well, you can stare all you want, my lady. You ready to go?" she offered Amanda her arm and the blonde accepted. "Your chariot awaits."

Olivia ordered the baked cod and Amanda decided on the grilled chicken. The restaurant was nearly full but the brunette had managed to get them a table by the wall so Amanda wouldn't feel so exposed and open in the middle of the floor. Considering that the room was nearly full of people, the place had a quiet and relaxing feel to it and it calmed Amanda's nerves significantly. Every opportunity she got her eyes drifted to the woman sitting at the other side of the table and found it extremely hard to tear her gaze away.

"You're staring." Liv snickered and took a sip of her lemon water.

Slightly embarrassing for being caught in the act, Amanda blushed and lowered her gaze. "Sorry." she mumbled and began to nervously play with the napkin on the table.

"Hey," Olivia soothed and placed a warm and reassuring hand on Amanda's to keep it from assaulting the linen fabric. "It's okay, honey. I didn't say it was a bad thing. Besides, I told you you could stare all you want, besides I like looking into your beautiful eyes." she batted her eyelashes and showed off a perfect set of teeth.

"Cheese." Amanda muttered, rolling her eyes at Olivia's terribly bad pickup line. "You know, flattery will get you nowhere, Lieutenant."

Liv narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, obviously contemplating what Amanda had just said. "We'll see, my love, we'll see." smiling widely, she decided on a change of subject to get to know the younger woman a little bit better. "So, what does Amanda Rollins like to do on her free time?"

The blonde sipped her white wine and thought for a minute. The alcohol had calmed her down a bit, thankful that it was doing it's job. "Well, I usually don't have that much free time. I mean, I spend all day at work, get home, have dinner, then go to bed and the same routine the next day. I also work a lot of Saturdays, even though I don't need to, so Sundays would be my only day off and I'd usually spend it cleaning and doing laundry. Very exciting." she huffed and took another gulp, swirling the liquid around in the glass. "When I was younger I use to horse ride with my little sister Kim. I loved it! I haven't been on a horse in years so it would be fun to try it again, I guess. What about you, Lieutenant? Do you have any free time in your life?"

"Not much." she chuckled. "I guess we're very similar when it comes to work. My schedule can be all over the place sometimes. Not so much lately, it has it's advantages being the boss, so my hours are a bit more regular now but if I have a day or two off I would mostly relax, maybe drive out of the city for some country air and see new places. You don't have to travel far to experience new things, new areas and new people. I like doing that but it would be even nicer if I had someone to do it with." she gave Amanda a wink, then watched her blush, thinking it was the most adorable sight she had ever seen.

"Why so you work Saturdays if you don't need to, if you don't mind me asking?" Liv leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table, clearly curious.

"Um, well, my mother had set up a college fund for me and Kim when we were kids, but after I came out as bisexual she refused to give me the money. Kim got it all and I had a lot of student loans to pay off so working Saturdays was my only option. I'm finished paying them a few years back but I guess the habit of it was still there so I just kept it up. I might stop doing that now, though. I'm at an age where I want to be able to relax and see places too." she smiled softly when she felt Olivia's hand cover her own very gently.

"I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of that coming out, it couldn't have been easy, honey, and I wish I knew you back then so I could've helped you, supported you and kicked their asses for being so pigheaded and narrow minded."

Amanda saw the genuine concern and kindness in the dark brown eyes and her heart skipped a beat knowing that, if needed be, Olivia would surely be her knight in shining armour. The warmth of the larger hand caused her skin to tingle and she suddenly wondered what it would feel like to have those soft and gentle hands on the most intimate parts of her body.


	17. Chapter 17

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 17

Amanda kept herself busy in the kitchen. It had only been five days since she moved into Sarah's apartment and four days since her date with Olivia. They had met for a cup of coffee yesterday, only briefly since Liv was on a short lunch break, but she hadn't heard from the woman since. Not that she was worried, Olivia had a demanding job and she knew they couldn't stay in contact every morning, day and night. However, the brunette was coming over for dinner in about two hours time and Amanda had promised to make her home cooked southern fried chicken and chocolate mousse for dessert.

She had spent the majority of the day in the kitchen, making sure everything was perfect, wanting to impress Olivia, to show her that she was good at something and that she was slowly getting her life back on track. The apartment was spotless since Amanda had spent hours cleaning it, scrubbing every corner, washed the windows, the cupboards in the kitchen and even the skirting boards had gotten themselves a nice clean. Sarah was mighty impressed with her shining home, when she left for her second date with the woman she met up with the other night, and she promised not to be home too early in case they wanted some much needed privacy. She had said the last few words with a smirk on her face, which Amanda didn't really pay any attention to, knowing that Sarah wasn't being serious.

It was just past six pm and she had two hours to kill but she couldn't relax. Her nerves were getting the better out of her as she paced through the apartment, looking for things to do but everything had already been done. All she could do now was to wait for Olivia to arrive. It was like watching the kettle boil as she glanced at the clock every five minutes to see how much time had passed since she last checked. It seemed to be moving slower than usual and, for a second, Amanda thought that the batteries in the clock might be dying but that was just wishful thinking on her part.

She tried reading a book but found herself reading the same sentence over and over again, not being able to focus on what the book was about. Evenyually she gave up and once again she began pacing back and forth, looking at the clock and wondered why she was so nervous. They weren't strangers anymore. They knew a lot of things about each other, even more so now after their first date four days ago so she couldn't figure out why her stomach was in knots and her nerves so tingly and tense.

As she, once again, looked at the clock she saw that it was finally 7.30 and Olivia would soon arrive. She did a few final touches on her makeup, studied her attire in the full figure mirror in her bedroom and felt confident in what she was wearing. Black jeans, cream blouse, black pumps and her hair danced in soft waves around her neck and shoulders with every step she took. Not too shabby, she thought but was abruptly brought back to her surroundings when her phone rang and Sarah's name popped up on the screen.

"Do you need saving? Is your date that bad?" she chuckled into the device but her face turned serious as she heard Sarah's grave tone.

"Amanda, turn on channel four, right now." she stated in a rushed manner.

Immediately, the blonde switched the tv on and found that channel four was already playing. What she saw next caused her heart to stop, her whole body went rigid with fear, her eyes wide from terror, her blood turned to ice and every hair follicle on the surface of her skin stood up as if she had been electrocuted. It was a breaking news clip, streaming live from the city.

 _"A teenage girl is being held hostage by the man who raped her two nights ago. After filing a police report with the special victims unit he attacked her again and he is now holding her against her will on the rooftop of her own apartment building. The fire department, medics and police are on scene, working hard to resolve the dangerous situation. What we can see from the helicopter footage is the man holding the girl in a choke hold with a gun pointed to her head and we can also see, what we believe is, Lieutenant Olivia Benson from SVU trying to calm the man down and persuade him to let the girl go."_

Everything around Amanda dimmed. Her hearing, her vision, her smell, everything, and she had to sit down so she wouldn't pass out. The footage was still running but she didn't seem to be aware of what was being said as her whole body seemed to have stopped working. "God." she managed to choke out from her tightly closed up throat as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Amanda? Amanda?" Slowly she was brought back from her foggy and shocked state as she heard her friend call out her name several times. "I'm on my way back home, honey. I shouldn't be more than ten minutes. Just try to calm down and I'll be there in no time. Things will be okay, Amanda. She's tough, she'll get through this." she didn't know what else to say. What do you say to someone who is witnessing a friend or a loved one being in a potentially deadly situation? There was nothing she could do or nothing she could say to ease the terror that must, without a doubt, be pulsing through Amanda's body right now. Life doesn't prepare you for this.

Clutching the device tightly against her ear, even though Sarah was no longer on the other line, she continued to watch the hasty and slightly blurry footage of the brown haired Lieutenant on the big screen. She appeared to be calm and collected as she held her hands up in a non defensive way, desperately trying to get the man to drop his gun, but Amanda could see the fear and the sheer horror in those brown eyes and she had to tear her gaze away as it became too much to watch.

Time didn't seem to exist. It was quite funny how time had meant so much to her just a few minutes ago but now, watching something as terrible as this unfold in front of her, time didn't matter, it didn't exist right now, not in this room and not to Amanda. Time was suddenly irrelevant and useless. She dropped the device onto the floor, not caring if the screen shattered or if the phone would break altogether, nothing mattered, except Olivia.

She didn't know how long she sat there but it had to be just as Sarah had said, about ten minutes, when the front door suddenly flung open and her friends ran to her side, sitting down next to her on the couch, placing a soft hand on her shoulder. "Hey, how are you holding up, honey?" Amanda didn't answer. Her eyes were still glued to the tv screen where they played the footage of Olivia over and over again, trying to regain control of the situation. It seemed as though she was in some kind of trance and Sarah gently caressed her face, trying to bring her back to reality.

"I know you're scared, honey. Come back to me. Come on, look at me, Amanda. Look at me." she turned her friend's face away from the tv and forced her to establish eye contact and the blue eyes fluttered and something changed in them as she was thrown back into present time again.

"She's... she's... I... I don't..."

"Honey, she's gonna be okay, everything is gonna be okay." Sarah reassured and took her friends cold and clammy hand in hers, warming it between her own. "She knows what she's doing. She has been trained for situations like these. She'll be fine."

"I... I need to... I need to get down there. I need to mske sure she's okay. Please, Sarah, please. I can't sit here and do nothing, please take me down there, please!" she was crying and begging her friend to drive her down town so she could be there. She needed to be there and Sarah knew better than to talk her out of it so she reluctantly agreed. She drove fast but within the limit, they couldn't risk being stopped by the police right now, not when Amanda was so anxious to get to Olivia. It seemed like forever before they pulled into the apartment block where it was all happening.

Blue lights, sirens, uniforms, vehicles and people everywhere came into view and Amanda was out of the car before it had even had a chance to come to a full stop, running towards the building. Sarah ran after as fast as she could, calling her name but the blonde didn't seem to hear or care. All she wanted was to get to Olivia, to make sure she was okay.

"Whoa, you can't go in there." she felt a firm arm wrapping around her waist to hold her back and she struggled to get free. "You can't go in there. Calm down... Miss Rollins? Hey, it's me, Detective Tutuola, remember me?"

Amanda looked up at his face and recognized him from when she had been attacked. She could also see detective Carisi standing beside him, both looking extremely worried and scared for their Lieutenant. "Ye... yeah... I remember. Why aren't you doing anything?" she desperately cried, her breathing was so laboured she found it hard to get air into her lungs and her whole body seemed to have developed a life of it's own as she couldn't stop shaking, she was a nervous wreck. Sarah came up next to her, pulling her into her side for support.

"We're doing everything we can. She knows what she's doing. If we go up there things will get ugly and we can't risk that. She has been in this situation before, a couple of times, she knows what's going through his head and she will talk him out of it, you'll see. She'll be okay." Fin wasn't sure if he was trying to convince Amanda or himself that Liv would be okay and get out of this mess safe and sound. They were all worried about her. These situations could be very unpredictable and needed to be treated with caution and care to avoid anyone from getting hurt.

They couldn't see what was going on on the rooftop. All they could do was to wait and see how thing would turn out and it was agony for everybody, not knowing what was going on up there. Amanda continued to cry and whimper and Sarah did her best to comfort and reassure. Nothing was said, no words could ever be enough or offer any type of comfort in this situation. Nothing.

"What's taking so long? What's happening?" Amanda cried, almost physically and mentally exhausted from the constant worry and dread, she could barely stand up. Sarah had never seen her friend so upset. It was horrible and awful to watch and it finally occurred to her that Olivia meant a lot to Amanda, she really cared for her, loved her, maybe even in love with her?

"Honey, easy, you're gonna pass out if you don't calm down. You're shaking and can barely stand straight." Sarah hushed into her ear and supported the majority of Amanda's weight.

"You don't look too good." Carisi stated from behind Fin. "Maybe you should bring her over to the medics?" Amanda had suddenly turned deathly pale and her eyes seemed to be rolling into the back of her head as her body seemed to go limp, almost like a rag doll. Fin was quick to help Sarah out and easily caught the small blonde before she had a chance to fall to the ground.

"Whoa, come on, let's get you checked out, girl." he nodded towards Carisi to take his place, thinking that Amanda would be more comfortable with him, since he had once helped save her life.

Amanda couldn't really comprehend what was happening to her body. It was like she was living outside of it, looking at herself from a spectator's point of view, watching as the medic checked her heart rate, blood pressure and pupils. Everything looked relatively normal except for her heart, which was beating at a very high speed due to her anxiety. There was not much the medic could do for her except to wrap a blanket around her shoulders to keep her warm and get her to sit down at the back of the vehicle while Sarah stayed close by in case she needed anything. Carisi had returned to where Fin was standing, waiting anxiously for any updates on their Lieutenant.

"She can't die." Amanda suddenly whimpered, bringing Sarah out of her own thoughts and pulled her friend close to her side.

"She's going to be fine, honey. She's tough and she knows what she's doing. She'll be down here in no time, pissed that she missed dinner." she chuckled but she didn't think her joke reached Amanda's ears. The blonde had never felt so helpless and useless in terms of aiding another person before. There was nothing she could do except wait.

Olivia wanted this to be all over. The teenage girl had eventually stopped struggling against the choke hold she was in, realizing that the hold only got tighter the more she moved. Her face was stained with tears and mucous, her mascara was smeared all over her blotchy skin and her eyes were red raw and full of fear as she bore her gaze into Olivia's, pleading for help.

The Lieutenant was unarmed, the man had not given her a choice in the matter, and she was now more vulnerable than him. She knew how to play this game, how to convince and lure the perp into changing his mind and his plans, making him second quess himself. She had to make him believe he held all the cards, all the power and indirectly and, unknowingly to him, force him to give up. She was doing everything she could think of to help the girl, to save her from this terrifying situation and get her out before things got out of control, minimizing the risk of anyone getting hurt.

The man was crying and obviously knew that he was in the wrong and in a serious amount of trouble for what he had done and doing now. He was shaky and nervous, the hand holding the gun was violently trembling and he kept looking over his shoulders as if he was afraid of someone attacking from behind. The sweat was pouring from his forehead, down his temples and continued down his neck, breathing fast and hard. Anything could happen and situations like these were extremely unpredictable.

The tall brunette had managed to get close enough to see if the girl was injured or not but she physically seemed fine, only a scratch on her forehead that was bleeding slightly. Olivia was also trembling, obviously nervous and anxious about the outcome of all of this, not knowing what was going on around her, if there were snipers close by, if the police had a clear visual of the perp and trying to wait for the right moment to take a shot. She didn't want anyone to get hurt but it didn't look too good for the guy holding the gun. If he made one bad move he would probably be lying in a pool of his own blood soon enough.

She thought of Amanda and the dinner plans they had, hoping that the blonde was okay and that she hadn't watched the news, which she knew was airing due to the helicopter that was hovering above in a far distance. She didn't know how long she had been standing on the rooftop or how much longer it was going to take before things took a drastic turn. Being completely unarmed made her feel extremely exposed and helpless, her gun laying on the ground several feet away from her with no chance of grabbing it for her own protection or for the girl's safety.

She kept speaking in a low and non-threatening voice, her hands up in the air so the man could easily see them, letting him know that she wasn't going to try anything. The girl had her eyes closed, tears slowly seeping out from between the tightly shut lids and spilling down her cheeks but she didn't make a sound, obviously too scared and traumatized to speak or even let out a sob.

What happened next seemed to pass in slow motion. There was a sharp swishing sound that echoed through the air, making it almost impossible to determine where it had come from i the first place, and Olivia felt as if she had been physically knocked down by the force of it as a wave of pressure settled upon her chest and she collapsed onto the ground, struggling to get air into her lungs, moaning and whimpering from the difficult task to breathe.

All the noises and sounds around her blurred and dimmed, as if a battery was slowly dying in a speaker. It had happened so fast she didn't even understand what exactly had occurred. She didn't feel any pain, just a dull ache in her chest, or on her chest, she wasn't sure which, but the ache was there nonetheless, uncomfortable and dense. The next thing she became aware of was the distant sounds of thumping footsteps appearing from every angle, becoming louder and clearer as they came closer. Rapid steps of heavy duty boots.


	18. Chapter 18

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 18

As soon as the distant sound of a gunshot rang out, Amanda stopped breathing. The crowd went silent for a second before someone began shouting out orders and commands to various people in uniforms. She felt Sarah's arms tighten around her and how she mumbled soothing words of comfort but the blonde couldn't make them out, all she thought about was Olivia lying helpless, fighting for her life.

People began screaming and talking loudly as nobody knew what had happened and who had been shot. Many thoughts swam through Amanda's head, awful thoughts, imagining worst case scenario and it wasn't doing her any favours. She completely shut down, everything and everyone around her did no longer exist and she was wrapped in a bubble full of silence, fear and dread. Even Sarah seeced to exist in that moment as her mind took her to a place where time stood still and where she could, just for a second, believe that everything was okay and perfectly fine. She needed that. She needed to believe, she needed a moment of peace and quiet, where she could pretend that nothing bad had happened and that Olivia fine and unharmed.

Then, she was almost violently pulled back into present time and place as her name was called. It sounded strange and foreign, as if someone was yelling at her from miles away, trying to get her attention and it only got louder each time her name was mentioned. She then felt Sarah's arms around her, realizing that she had never let go of her in the first place, as she was the one calling her, coaxing her back to reality.

Olivia had fallen onto the hard ground with a heavy weight on top of her. The swishing sound, that she had heard only seconds ago, must've been, without a doubt, a gunshot. The bullet must've gone straight through the man's skull, from temple to temple, causing him to instantly fall with the teenage girl still in a firm hold right on her chest. The girl let out a strangled whimper and Olivia could now see the blood spatter on her face and hair as the young woman struggled to get up.

Before Olivia could say a word, or even try to help the girl up, the weight on her chest eased as the dead man was removed by heavily armed men. Her breathing instantly improved and she gasped loudly, taking a deep breath of air that finally filled her starved lungs. The girl was next to be pulled off of her, feeling the pressure on her upper body completely vanish and all her senses seemed to come back all at once. Her vision was clear, her hearing had returned and she could also feel a pain on the back of her head, supposedly from the fall, piercing through her skull, only for a few seconds, before it eased off a bit and reduced to a dull and nagging ache.

She quickly brought her hand up, probed the sore area with her fingers to see if there was any blood but all that was there was a decent sized pump and a hammering headache. She tried to get up but was pushed back down by large hands and a voice telling her to stay put and wait for the medics to arrive so they could check for any injuries. Olivia waved it off, insisting that she was fine, that she didn't require any medical assistance and, on two shaky legs, stood up by the help of a strong uniformed man.

The girl was already being assessed by the ambulance crew and was swiftly removed from the horrible and gruesome scene. Olivia was then being led towards the door that would lead them down the steps and into the large crowd of people that had gathered around to see what was going on. A blanket was placed over her shoulders but she quickly shrugged it off, insisting that she was fine, just a bit shaken up but, fortunately, unhurt.

As soon as the crowd of people came into view, she straight away spotted Fin and Carisi by the front line, looking extremely worried and distressed. When Fin laid his eyes on his Lieutenant he smiled and shook his head. "Good to see you in one piece, boss. Carisi here was shitting himself with worry."

She had never appreciated Fin's sense of humour as much as she did in that moment and she fought against the urge to just run over and engulf him in a big bear hug but didn't think it would be appropriate as there were cameras and news anchors swarming around her like busy bees. Flashes were flickering in the dim evening light, microphones were literally shoved into her face as reporters from various news channels approached her, demanding at least a short speech as to what had taken place up on the rooftop only minutes ago. Liv had no comments and the two detective's shielded her from the oncoming attack of bystanders and police force. She was in no mood to answer questions or share her experience with strangers or even her own subordinates.

"It's good to see that you're in one piece, Lieutenant. We were both worried about you." Carisi glared towards Fin as he spoke, giving his teammate a look that said 'shut up, or you're dead.'

"Yeah, we were both worried about you. Especially Amanda, she almost passed out." Fin stated, without thinking about what he had actually said.

"What!?" Liv almost shouted, her eyes wide and flickered between the two male detectives in shock. "She's here? Where is she? Is she okay?" she began to look over their shoulders in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the blonde but couldn't see the familiar face anywhere.

"Sarah had to bring her over to the medics a little while ago. She didn't look too good. Follow me." the African-American man elbowed his way through the crowd, escorting his boss towards where Amanda was sitting.

"The medics?" Liv questioned with a fearful look and picked up speed, needing to get to the blonde as soon as possible. "Why? Is she hurt? What happened?"

"Shock." Carisi simply stated as he followed the two through the thick mass of rowdy people who were on their phones, trying to get a decent photograph or a video clip of the drama around them to later show their friends and possibly post it on facebook.

Amanda felt her stomach turn but forcefully swallowed the urgency to vomit and took a deep breath instead, trying to ease the stress and the sickly feeling in her gut. Sarah was still by her side, her arms tightly wrapped around her shivering cold frame, pulling the blanket more securely around her as she heard the woman whimper faintly. When she heard Fin's voice penetrating through a sea of people, she looked up and searched for the older man, trying to distinguish where the voice was coming from and spotted both him and Carisi bickering about something as they got closer, like two little kids who were fighting about a toy or who stole who's pokemon cards.

The moment Sarah laid her eyes on the tall brunette behind the amusing duo, she squeesed Amanda's shoulder, smiling in relief. "Someone's here to see you, Amanda, Look!" she stepped aside to let the frantic woman through, knowing that her friend would feel much better once Olivia was by her side.

When the Lieutenant stepped into Amanda's visual point, the blonde found herself blinking, opening and shutting her eyes, several times in disbelief and confusion. She couldn't really comprehend that Olivia was suddenly standing in front of her when she had, only minutes ago, been in the line of fire on the rooftop with a mad man armed with a gun. Things like that just didn't happen in Amanda's world and she was in a severe state of shock from what had just taken place in front of her very eyes.

Sarah, Fin and Carisi kept their distance as Olivia crouched down before Amanda, instantly making eye contact with the blonde, needing to make sure she was okay. There was a thin hazy layer covering the blue orbs, as if she wasn't really there in the present and couldn't see what was in front of her, what was real or what was not real. Amanda was looking straight into dark brown but it was as if she didn't recognized the woman kneeling before her. Then, something changed. Her gaze flickered, her eyelids closed briefly and when she opened them again it was as if the cloudyness had completely disappeared and her blue eyes were once again clear as day, looking into Olivia's brown concerned stare.

"Li... Liv?!" she croaked and felt tears burning and on the brink of falling.

"Hey, honey." the brunette cooed before she opened her arms for Amanda to fall into, which the blonde immediately did, holding on for dear life, clutching at the back of Olivia's jacket, whimpering at the familiar scent of her perfume, afraid to let go in case she would somehow vanish if she did. "Oh, sweetheart, you're shaking. It's okay now. I'm okay and unhurt, everything is alright, my love, everything is alright. I've got you."

Amanda was indeed shaking but as soon as she saw Liv, felt her arms around her, the shock finally let go and was replaced by a sudden adrenaline rush, causing her tremors to increase, her heart to pick up speed and she was cold and clammy to the touch. "Easy, baby, easy! Shhh, breath for me, slow and deep breaths, come on." she placed a hand on Amanda's heaving chest, feeling her rapid heartbeats thumping against the surface of her palm. "Nice and slow, sweetheart, that's it. Good girl, it's okay now, everything is fine. Just breathe."

While listening to the soothing alto voice of Olivia, she slowly felt her racing heart calm, her breathing changed to a much more normal rate and her whole body and being relaxed significantly by each second that passed. She still couldn't believe that the woman, she cared so much for, was standing, well kneeling, in front if her, alive and unharmed. "I... I thought that you... that you... that..."

"I know, baby, I know. But I'm here and you're not getting rid of me that easley." she smiled and kissed a clammy hand that was still slightly trembling. "Is she okay?" she asked the medic, worried that she might require further medical treatment in a hospital.

"I don't think there's a need for hospitalization. She just needs warmth, fluids and rest. What about you, Lieutenant, do you need any medical assistance? Are you hurt?" the middle aged man asked and approached her, ready to do his job if necessary.

Liv shook her head. "No, I'm okay, really. Just a bit shaken up, that's all. Can I take her home?"

The medic gave his approval and Sarah offered to drive them back to her place since she had the car parked just outside on the now closed off street. Fin and Carisi gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder, telling her that they would start the paperwork and she could finish it and sign off on it tomorrow after a good night's sleep. They swiftly made it to the car before another ambush of reporters could get a chance to bombard her with questions, wanting her to comment on the horrific ordeal. The drive was relatively quiet, just a few words were spoken between the three of them, no one really knew what to say in a situation like this, anyway and they found the silence soothing.

Sarah stole a glance in the rear view mirror and saw how tenderly Olivia had the blonde wrapped in her arms, quietly whispering comforting words of reassurance into her ear as she silently cried and whimpered. Liv had even taken her coat off and had placed it over Amanda's front, hoping that it provided at least a small bit of warmth since the blanket she had worn previously had been returned to the medic.

Amanda didn't even react or register as Sarah pulled the car into the parking lot of the apartment building, turning the engine off and got out of the vehicle to help Olivia guide the blonde out of the car. "Listen, honey," Sarah cupped Amanda's face between her hands, making sure she was listening and understanding her words. "I'm gonna leave the two of you alone for the night. You need it, you need each other right now. I'm gonna return to my ravishing date, if she'll still have me, and leave you two to it. Just call me if you need anything, okay?"

Amanda gave her a shaky nod and attempted to smile but it looked more like a frown of a grimace more than anything but Sarah understood. She turned to Olivia, who was rubbing her hands up and down Amanda's arms, willing some warmth into them. "Take care of each other. I'm glad you're okay."

"Thank you for looking after her during all this. You're a good friend, Sarah. Good luck on your date. If she won't take you back, I'll kick her ass."

"The only ass I want you to focus on is hers." she nodded towards Amanda who was shakily leaning against the side of the car for support. "Go inside and take care of your girl. I'll see you guys later."

As Sarah drove away, Olivia guided the younger woman into the apartment, sat her down on the couch and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. She gulped half of it down, quenching hrr thirst, before filling it up again and approached Amanda who seemed to be in an almost catatonic state. "Here, sweetie, drink this. It's important that you get some fluids into you." Amanda reached out a shaky hand and, with Liv's help, she managed to more than half. The brunette spotted a blanket hanging over the armrest of the sofa, grabbed it, removed her own coat from the trembling form and wrapped the thick garment around her, making sure she was covered and as comfortable as she could get.

"Do you need anything, honey? What can I do? What do you need me to do?" she whispered soothingly as she ran her fingers through blonde, slightly tangled, hair. "Tell me?"

Amanda had calmed significantly but her voice was still unstable and shaky, not knowing if she could talk at all. "I... I'm... I'm sorry, I... you need... you were almost... killed and I... I... I'm the one who should be... who should be asking you that." stuttered, almost choking on the words as they passed through her closed up throat. "I'm sorry ab... about din... ner."

Olivia chuckled at how Amanda could possibly think about their dinner plans at a time like this but she also knew that the mind and body didn't really function properly in the state of shock. "Oh, honey, I don't care about our dinner plans, I care about you and you are my priority so tell me what you need from me?"

The younger woman just sat there, teary eyed and perplexed. Olivia had just been through a horrendous and terrifying ordeal, probably one of the most scariest she had ever experienced and she was concerned about Amanda's wellbeing and not her own. She was amazed by the compassion and empathy this woman was capable of, even in a dark and dreary time like this. She always seemed to put others needs before her own, even strangers and people she didn't know very well. "Are you okay?" Amanda finally croaked out. "You... you told the medic the truth, didn't you? I... I mean, you're not hurt, are you?" small cold hands ran over Olivia's arms and shoulders, searching for any kind of indication that she was hurt but Liv gently grabbed a hold of the roaming hands and held them tightly between her own.

"Honey, I'm fine, honestly. I'm not hurt, I just got the wind knocked out of me when..." there was no need in telling Amanda the gory details of what had happened up on that rooftop and she quickly steered the conversation away from horrifying details. "What I'm trying to say is that I knew what I was doing. I have been in the exact same situation a couple of times before and I'm trained to handle these kind of things. I was wearing my vest and I had plenty of backup surrounding me, he knew he wasn't going anywhere. Was I scared? Yes, I would be a fool if I wasn't but I'm here, I'm alive and I haven't got a scratch on me. Am I still shaky from it? Yes, absolutely, and it's probably gonna take some time and therapy to help me process it all but, sweetheart, don't ever think that your pain and fear are less worthy just because you weren't in my position. It must've been scary as hell for you, not knowing what was going on and how things would turn out. I know I would be going out of my mind if it had been you up on that roof and I can only imagine how horrible it must've been."

Amanda hung her head, feeling embarrassed and angry at herself for crying over her own fears of Olivia being killed when the brunette had gone through ten times worse. She shook with sobs that she refused to let go, trying to be strong for Olivia and herself but the pressure inside her chest became too much and she could no longer ignore the inevitable. She broke. Was this too much for her? Could she be in a relationship where things could turn so unbelievably pearshaped in a split second? What if this happened again, which it more than likely would due to the nature of Olivia's job? Could she handle it? Could she be with someone who risked their life everyday to protect others?

She lifted her head, crying in the earnest as she looked Olivia in the eyes. "I... I don't know if I can do this."


	19. Chapter 19

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 19

 _"I... I don't know if I can do this."_

The words rang in Olivia's ears, like an echo through a narrow corridor. She wasn't one hundred percent sure of what she was referring to but still she felt her heart seece as she heard Amanda speak. "Wha... what do you mean, honey? Do what? What is it that you don't think you can do?" she caressed Amanda's flushed cheeks, feeling the heat radiating from her pores due to the crying.

Sniffling, the blonde wiped angrily at her tears, willing them to be gone but the more she brushed them off, the more they continued to fall. "This... us... I... I don't... I don't know if I... if I..."

"Shhh, sweetheart! Come on, try to relax for me. You've worked yourself up again and it's not good for you. Come on, sweetie, nice and slow breaths." she maintained her kneeling position in front of the crying woman, running her hand soothingly up and down her arms, feeling the tension and fear that was being held inside. "Easy, baby. That's it, just relax for me."

It took several minutes before she could feel the anxiety and stress slowly leave her body. The blanket had fallen off one of her shoulders and Liv gently tucked it back into place, her need to comfort and nurture welled up inside and she sat down on the couch and brought the upset woman into a tender embrace. "I want you to listen to what I have to say, okay? Can you do that, sweetheart?"

Stroking the blonde hair she felt the woman in her arms nod against the crook of her neck. "Okay. I know you're scared and I know you have doubts right now. I'm 46 years old and I haven't had a serious relationship since I was 24 and that's all due to my job. I've had a couple of short lived attempts of some kind of romance but it never lasted long. You come home from work and they ask you about your day and it's not really a dinner conversation talking about child molestation, rape and abuse so you end up never talking about work and it puts a strain on the relationship. Eventually it gets too much and you end up going separate ways."

Amanda didn't say a word. Instead she kept her head in the same comfortable position and listened intently to what Olivia was saying as her fingers ran softly through her tangled hair, easing the knots out. "I don't want that to happen here, sweetheart. I really want this, us, to work. I've been living on my own for so long that I've never had anyone else to think about, it was always just me and the consequences of my actions never affected anybody because there was no one there to come home to, no one cared if I lived or died, except for my squad but, I can see now that, the decision I made today, the decision of going up on that rooftop, was not the right one. I didn't think before I acted. I'm so sorry about that and I promise you that I will, from now on, make these decisions with extreme consideration, thought and caution. You are my priority, you are important to me and you are what matters."

The last sentence caused her heart to skip a beat and her cheeks to blush but since her face was red and blotchy from crying anyway, you couldn't really tell the difference. "You're important to me too. I... I care about you, I... I... I love you." she whispered and her eyes widened, as if she surprised herself by the sudden confession.

Olivia smiled gently, placed her fingers underneath Amanda's chin and brought her head up. "I love you too." came the hushed reply and, before none of them knew what was happening, they were lost in a heated and passionfilled kiss that lasted several minutes. Liv eventually pulled away and rested her forehead against Amanda's, breaths mingling and faces flushed. "Wow, that was... amazing. No, it was actually way better than amazing but I can't seem to come up with a more appropriate or suited word. Amazing will have to do for now."

The blonde chuckled between her tears and sniffled as she tried to calm her racing heart. "I think maybe the words exquisite or extraordinary would be of better use but amazing comes pretty close too."

Kissing the toussled locks, Olivia pulled her close to her again, the need to touch and be near Amanda was almost overwhelming and she couldn't keep her hands to herself. "I love being close to you, just like this, and I love touching you, holding you and looking at you. You're so beautiful, my love, so so beautiful."

Amanda snuggled closer into the warmth of the woman holding her. The aftermath of the shock and the stress from the last couple of hours kicked in and she could feel how sleepy she was getting and her whole body seemed to sink into the older woman's, as if they were molded together into one.

"Hey, sleepy head, let's get you into bed before you fall asleep out here. Come on, I'll help you, sweetie." she helped by gently pulling Amanda up onto her feet, wrapped an arm around her middle and escorted her into the bedroom. "You need to use bathroom?" a nod was the only response she got and Amanda disappeared through the door with her pajamas, intending to change in privacy. A few minutes later she returned, dragging her feet behind her, face washed, teeth brushed and pjs on.

"You look much more comfortable. Come on, I'll tuck you in before I go." she held her hand out for the other woman to take and gently pulled her towards the bed. Olivia didn't really want to leave her on her own but she also didn't want to make Amanda uncomfortable by overstaying her welcome or by coming on too strong or too fast. They had to move in Amanda's speed, on her terms and her needs and Olivia respected that.

She helped her get underneath the covers, tucked them snuggly around her semi conscious form, leaned down and kissed Amanda tenderly on her forehead. When she pulled away, a small hand stopped her by gripping onto the material of her blouse in a firm hold. "Stay." she mumbled, eyes closed and relaxed, breathing deep and even. "Please."

Olivia could not ignore the plea of not wanting to be left on her own. She kicked her shoes off, removed her dress pants and socks, leaving her in just her blouse and black laze panties and she carefully slid underneath the covers and Amanda immediately settled into her arms and snuggled in as close as possible. "I'm so glad you're okay." she mumbled into Olivia's chest and rubbed her cheek against the silky material of her top. "I love you." she added before she drifted off, leaving the stress of the day behind.

"I love you too, sweetheart, I love you too." the brunette whispered, letting her lips ghost Amanda's soft skin as she spoke, the swell in her chest growing rapidly from hearing the blonde utter those three words. Soon after, Olivia also fell asleep while holding onto the precious woman in her arms, hoping tomorrow would bring a better day.

Olivia cracked one eye open, then the other. It took her awhile to adjust to her surroundings and figure out where exactly she was but as the memories of the previous night slowly entered her brain, she sighed and closed them again, not ready to face the world or even the day just yet. Turning her head to the side, she realized that the other side of the bed was empty and cold, as if Amanda hadn't been lying there for quite some time. She sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as a smell of something really nice caught her nose and she could hear noises coming from the kitchen.

Hearing her stomach growl, she got up, pulled her dress pants on and followed the sounds bare footed and slightly groggy. She spotted Amanda by the sink, her back turned towards her, wearing a white fluffy robe to keep the chill out and her hair was tied up in a messy bun with a few lose strands that had obviously escaped from the elastic. She frowned as she saw that the table was nicely set and with flowers and a lit candle in the middle as soft music played in the background, creating a relaxed and calm atmosphere. "Are you expecting company?"

Amanda swung around, her hand on her heart and eyes wide. "Jesus, Liv, you scared the living shit out of me. I thought you were still sleeping." she panted and leaned against the counter for support.

"Sorry, honey." she quickly approached Amanda and placed a kiss on her forehead, wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close. "I just woke up a minute ago. Why didn't you wake me? How long have you been up and what's all this about?" she asked and waved a hand towards the table, smiling in wonder.

"That's a lot of questions, Lieutenant. First of all, I thought you could use some extra sleep after what happened yesterday, secondly, I've been up for a couple of hours and third, I thought we could have dinner for breakfast since we never got a chance to eat it last night." she smiled and pressed her lips against Olivia's for a tender kiss. "There's even dessert."

"Dinner for breakfast? I'm impressed. Never had that before but there's a first for everything, right? And if there's dessert how could I say no." she smirked and wiggled her eyebrows in a suggestive manner, still holding onto the petite woman while rubbing her back soothingly.

"Everything is ready so why don't you take a seat. My plan was to have wine with the dinner but, since it's early in the morning, we'll have to make due with coffee, orange juice or water. What would you prefer?"

"Coffee sounds like heaven and maybe a glass of water too."

"Coming right up, Lieutenant." the dinner/breakfast turned out to be a hit. Liv kept going on and on about how amazing of a cook Amanda is and how she felt slightly ashamed for not coming anywhere near the talent of culinary art herself unlike the blonde. Every little crumb was gone from Olivia's plate, smiling inwardly at her healthy apetite, thinking how cute and endearing it was to just sit there and listen to Liv's pleasurable moans and groans that seemed to escape every time she took a bite. "Do you have room for dessert?" Amanda grinned while removing their empty plates and tidied up the table.

"I always save room for dessert. It's the best part." A big glass of chocolate mousse was placed in front of her, whipped cream on top with a dark chocolate flake inserted into the white flyffy substance. Her eyes widened at the delicious sight. "Wow, it looks like this came straight from a fancy restaurant. I must say I'm well impressed, honey."

"Well, I hope it tastes just as good as it looks."

Ten minutes later, Liv patted her stomach and leaned back in the chair with a content sigh. "Now, I'm full. That was simply amazing. Thank you so much, you're a very good cook, my love."

Amanda blushed and looked down into her empty glass, trying to focus on something other than Olivia's deep brown and observing eyes. The brunette leaned across the table and took a small hand in hers, finding it still slightly cold to the touch. "How are you feeling today, honey? I'm so sorry about yesterday, I'm sorry you had to see it all." she whispered softly and let her thumb caress the pale white skin. "How are you doing?"

The blonde looked at their joint hands, took a shaky breath and let it out slowly. "I'm... I'm good. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I usually don't freak out like that but... I'm sorry." she repeated, not really knowing what to say or where to look.

"Hey, stop that." Liv gently scolded. "You have nothing to be sorry for." she got up from her chair, kneeled down in front of Amanda, intently looking into her eyes and gently wrapped her larger hands around both of Amanda's, feeling them slightly tremble. "Don't do that, don't compare your fears and pain with mine, or someone else for that matter. Your feelings and emotions are just as real as anyone else's, okay? It was really scary for you and for me too but please talk to me about it and don't shut me out."

Amanda offered her a meek smile, struggling to regain control of herself and not break down and cry again. She didn't want a repeat of last night. "Same goes." she croaked, blinking away the tears that was inevitability forming.

"I know." Liv winked, sensing Amanda's internal battle and got to her feet. "I have to get to the station and sign off on some paperwork but let me help you clean this up first. You cooked, the least I can do is to help with the mess."

"No, no!" the blonde interrupted and stopped Olivia from walking over to the sink to wash up. "Honestly, I'll clean up. Don't worry about it." Amanda insisted, already in full swing of cleaning. "Are you staying at work for the day?"

"There's always a few days of mandatory leave after an incident like last night and I know better than to try and tell the department shrink that I don't need it. It never works anyway so I'm just going in to finish off the paperwork and then I'm free as a bird for the coming days." there was a brief pause before Olivia spoke again. "Listen, um, I'm gonna head home first, shower and change before I go to the precinct but I thought, maybe, if you'd like to spend the rest of the day with me? We can just chill out and watch movies or do whatever you want. Does that sound good?"

Amanda suddenly felt shy, as if she had been asked out on her first date or when she was a teenager and had a crush on her science teacher Mrs Brook. She blushed and nodded. "Sound good to me." she said softly and leaned up against the kitchen counter. Liv stepped forward, cupped her face between her hands and brought their lips together in a soft and lingering kiss.

"I'll see you in a couple of hours. I'll bring some snacks, okay?" she mumbled against Amanda's soft, sweet and warm lips.

Just as Amanda was about to answer, the front door flung open and Sarah walked in and immediately sensed that she had interrupted something. "Shit! Were you guys just getting it on? I'm sorry, I have such bad timing." she walked to the fridge, grabbed a bottle of water and gulped it down until it was almost gone. "God, my mouth is like the desert, dry and... dry."

Amanda noticed straight away that she was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, her hair was toussled and her make up half gone. "Are you doing the walk I think you're doing?" she grinned.

Sarah looked down at her dress and smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I'm afraid so. The walk of shame has shamed me a few times over the years but not this time. This time I have no shame because I just had the most amazing, mind blowing and ravishing sex ever, close second after you of course, and there was no shame while we were doing it, I tell you, god, that woman is flexible."

Liv bit down on her lower lip, trying to stiffle a laugh due to Sarah's outspoken and blunt behaviour. Amanda blushed slightly at her friend's openness but chuckled nonetheless. "Thanks for sharing that, Sarah. Now I have a ton of images in my head and I'll never look at you the same way again." she mumbled.

"You were never a prude, Amanda. You're quite flexible too." Sarah grinned, winked and headed off towards her bedroom. "I'm gonna shower, head into work and then I have another sex marathon tonight."

Olivia just stood there, slightly taken aback by the free spoken woman. "Wow, she's like a breath of fresh air."

"More like a _gust_ of fresh air. She can be very... liberal." Amanda snickered as she watched her friend swagger down the hall and disappearing behind the corner to her room.

Liv kissed her cheek softly, said her goodbyes and scurried out the door. The faster she got to the precinct, the faster she would see Amanda again. She didn't look forward to going into the station, even though it was just for a little while. The department shrink had probably already been notified and expecting Olivia's phone call within the coming days, hoping to schedule a session sooner rather than later. After so many years on the job, Liv knew better than to argue or, somehow, worm herself out of it in hope to carry on with her duties as normal, as if nothing ever happened. She had learnt that lesson years ago and knew from personal experience that it was useless to even try.

She was fine. She felt fine. The horrible ordeal had been just that, horrible, but she now had some knowledge, practice and training on how to process and deal with incidents like the one last night. She knew her triggers, her ups and downs and, more importantly, she knew herself. This was just temporary and things would shortly go back to normal again. Only a few days, perhaps a week, and then she would be back busting perps, interrogate and question low life scum of the earth and lock them up behind thick, sturdy and unbreakable iron bars.

Amanda was her priority now. She had been so worried, so scared when she had seen Amanda's ghostly white features after descending the rooftop and she remembered her first time in a very similar scenario when she was fresh out of the academy, how scared, shocked and gruesome it had been to witness and be a part of a such terrible and frightening situation. Amanda probably needed a shrink more than her, right now.


	20. Chapter 20

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 20

 **Thank you guys, again, for great reviews. They keep me sane and motivated to write even more. They truly keep me going and that means a LOT to me. XXX**

Just as Olivia expected. The shrink wanted to see her as soon as possible, setting up a meeting in the morning for the next day, which the brunette didn't argue against, thinking that it's better to get it over and done with than having it hanging over her head like a dark and gloomy cloud. The visit had been brief as she wanted to get back to Amanda as soon as possible but it was nice to see and hear Fin and Carisi's usual and familiar banter around the place. No matter how immature and annoying the two male detectives could possibly be, she still loved them like her own family and it was refreshing and nice to hear it after last night's bravado.

"Don't take too long to come back, Lieu. Carisi here is already gnawing at my nerves and I'm starting to hear his voice in my head even though he's not around. It's torture."

Carisi huffed and snorted where he was sitting by his desk and threw a paper ball which, unfortunately, landed straight on Olivia's shoulder, obviously missing it's intended target. He flew up from his chair, face red from embarrassment as he hesitantly walked towards his boss. "I... I'm so sorry, Lieutenant. I meant to hit Fin and it... I... I didn't mean for it to... you know... I'm..."

"See what I mean." Fin muttered and rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest with a sigh.

Liv raised her eyebrows, pursed her lips and bent down to pick up the wrinkly piece of paper that her youngest detective had just tossed and made a swift move before no one saw it was coming. She threw the ball back at Carisi, hitting him straight in the forehead, where she had perfectly aimed, and watched as his eyes went wide and his mouth fell open. "I hope you shoot better than you toss, Carisi." she stated in a serious tone but, in fact, she was quite amused about the whole bickering part and was trying not to laugh or, not to mention, show an indication of a smile.

She popped into the shop on her way to Amanda's place and got a few things they could snack on. She didn't really know what Amanda liked but figured that she couldn't go wrong with chocolate. Olivia had never met a woman who didn't like chocolate and she wondered if there even was a woman out there who didn't. The day which had started off bright and sunny now slowly turned cloudy and wet, the humidity in the air was heavy and muggy, as if the skies would open any second and let the angry thunder loose, shooting down it's yellow beams onto the earths crust.

Olivia had always liked thunder and lightening. As a child she would sit by the window sill and watch as the amber fork shaped rays would appear in the sky and listen to the deep rolling sound that would always follow. It never frightened her, never scared her and it never bothered her. Instead she found it fascinating and thrilling.

By the time she reached Amanda's apartment, the rain had started to pour from the heavens and the streets were already filling up with water, creating big puddles and small streams that flooded down the drains by the sidewalk. A perfect day for relaxing on the couch and watch movies all day. She ran inside with the bag of goodies, her hair turning slightly damp from the lashing droplets and she shook herself to get rid of any excess water on her jacket before climbing the stairs. She knocked on the door and waited but when it still remained closed she tried again. Frowning when nothing happened she pressed her ear against the door and listened intently and suddenly a piercing scream rang out and travelled all the way down the corridor where Olivia was standing.

"Amanda!?" calling out the young blonde's name she reached for the handle and, realizing that it was unlocked, she ripped it open and ran inside, looking around the living area and the kitchen but found it empty. "Amanda, honey?" she headed down towards Amanda's bedroom and heard deep and heart wrenching crying from the other side of the door and it sounded guttural and desperate. "Amanda, I'm coming in."

Pushing the door open she almost fell into the room, her eyes wide with fear, expecting to see an intruder or a burglar inside. Instead, what she saw was Amanda, positioned on her bed, pressed up against the wall. legs curled up, knees touching her chest, arms wrapped around them in a protective manner and she was trying her best not to cry but was not having much of a success as the tears flooded down pink cheeks and her breathing strained and wheezing.

Looking around the room, Olivia relaxed slightly when she couldn't spot any immediate danger or anything strange and out of place. Slowly she approached the bed, hands up in a non threatening fashion and sat down a couple of feet away, as not to crowd the traumatized and scared woman. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" she let her hand grace her knee for reassurance but Amanda flinched at the touch, curling into herself even tighter, her eyes squeezed shut.

"Hey, shh, look at me, sweetie. It's okay, you're safe, just look at me, please." the heavy sobs echoed from wall to wall and to Olivia it was the most horrific sound she had ever experienced and she never wanted to hear it again. "Shhh, look at me, sweetheart. You're safe, I'm right here with you. Just open your eyes and look at me, honey."

Amanda reluctantly cracked her red raw eyes open and let her gaze flicker around the room, as if she was expecting someone to be in the room with her, someone that frightened her. "Hey, look at me, Amanda, I'm right here. There's no one else in here but us, honey. Did you fall asleep? Did you have a nightmare?" she questioned softly as she studied the petrified expression on the younger woman's face.

"I... I was tired so I... I went to... take a... a nap and... and then he was here and you were shot and I... I couldn't... I couldn't get to you and... and I watched you die. He... he said it was all my fault and that I was the... the reason that you were... that you were dead. I... I tried to save you but... I... I couldn't and there was so much blood and I..."

"Okay, okay, slow down, honey." Liv soothed and shifted closer, deciding against another attempt of physical contact. Amanda would initiate it when she was ready. "Who's he, Amanda? Was it Lucas you saw in your dream?" the blonde nodded shakily and wiped the salty drops with the sleeve of her hoodie, feeling how the material turned wet. "You know he's dead, honey, and he can't hurt you ever again. It was just a really really bad dream and I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this. I wish I could make things better for you, sweetheart."

"I watched you die." Amanda whispered tearfully, her eyes were fixed on Olivia's, feeling completely lost and alone in her misery, screaming for a way out. "He... he shot you and... and he... he made me watch, then he... he pointed the g... gun at me and pulled the tri... trigger."

The brunette felt her own eyes sting and burn of emotion from just watching Amanda in such a distraught state and she could no longer resist the urge and need to gather her into her arms. She brought the blonde close and felt her tremble and shake in her embrace as violent sobs tore through her small frame, sobbing into Olivia's neck and desperately clung to the older woman's blouse, afraid that she might pull away or disappear into thin air.

"Shhh, I've got you, sweetheart, I've got you. You're okay and so am I. We're both okay, safe and unharmed and he can never hurt you again. It was just a bad dream, honey, he's not here, he was never here." she hushed in a low and soothing voice that only Olivia could manage, hoping to provide the blonde with as much comfort she possibly could. She rocked Amanda back and forth in a slow and gentle motion, almost as a mother would sooth her child, and wiped the warm tears as they fell down her cheeks with ghosting fingertips.

"Sush, my love, everything is okay, we're both safe and sound and I'm right here, holding you. Shh, you're okay, baby, you're okay." she held onto Amanda as she cried out her fears from her dream, willing warmth and comfort into her mind, body and spirit, wanting nothing more than to make her fears and worries disappear.

"I was so scared." Amanda whimpered, pulling her knees back up to her chest, curling into Olivia's embrace even deeper, the strong need to be soothed was overwhelming and she was hungry for comfort.

Olivia kissed her forehead and placed a hand on a warm cheek, wiping the tears with her thumb. "I know, sweetie, I know. It's okay now, we're both okay." she cooed, her lips caressing Amanda's temple as she spoke.

"I... I don't want to lose you. I just found you." she sniffled and inhaled the familiar scent of the strong and confident Lieutenant.

"Were you looking for me?" Olivia gently queried, chuckling slightly and placed another comforting kiss on her soft skin, her hands rubbing the blonde's back in soothing circles.

"I didn't know I was but I... I found you anyway and... finder's keepers, right?" her voice was quiet and shaky and to Olivia she almost sounded like a scared little girl who was afraid of the dark or the monsters under her bed.

She was highly amused by Amanda's innocent question, or statement, pulling the woman impossibly closer and smiled. "Absolutely, honey. You get to keep me for as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere, except to the couch to watch a movie, snuggle and devour the snacks that I got us." she pulled away slightly so she could get a good look on the blonde's face, cupping it between her palms, the pad of her thumbs brushing against soft and damp skin. "How does that sound?"

Amanda smiled softly and was just about to answer when a loud bang exploded above them followed by a long and deep rolling thunder. The blonde immediately flinched at the sudden noise and looked Liv straight in the eye, her worry clearly evident.

"Don't worry, honey." Liv soothed and stroke the blonde tresses. "It can't hurt you. You're safe here and it will pass soon, I promise. Come on, it's perfect weather for a romantic comedy or a horror."

"Comedy is fine." Amanda answered quickly, not feeling in the mood for a horror since the weather outside was already horrifying enough. "Something funny and lighthearted sounds good. Is it raining too?"

"Pouring." Liv announced as she guided them both into the living area and began to rummage through her bags. "I'm just going to change into something more comfortable, I'll be right back, honey." entering the bathroom, she swiftly discarded her work clothes and pulled on a pair of black leggings and a longish dark grey hoodie, her hair pulled up high into a messy ponytail, leaving her feet bare.

The tv was already on, a selection of comedies on Netflix was showing on the screen and Amanda had placed the snacks on the coffee table along with a bottle of red wine. Olivia could see her red rimmed eyes and flushed cheeks from where she was standing, a good few feet away, and she felt a pang of guilt deep inside her stomach. Guilt, that she had witnessed such horror, guilt for putting her through it and guilt for making Amanda believe that she was dead. Even though none of these were intentionally inflicted and caused by Olivia herself, she still felt an immense sense of helplessness, sadness and of course the guilt. She didn't want to put Amanda through any of it.

"Hey, how are you doing, honey? You still look a bit upset. Do you want to talk about it some more?" approaching the young woman she, once again, cupped her face between her hands, feeling the warmth of Amanda's soft skin against her own.

She tried to smile but it came out more like a frown than anything else. The coolness of the Lieutenant's hands created a welcomed contrast against her flushed features, her eyes fluttering briefly at the nice and cool contact. "I'm okay." she whispered, not really in the mood to talk about the dream of what had happened the previous night. "Let's just watch a funny movie so I can at least try to forget about the furious mother nature out there. She doesn't seem too pleased tonight."

"Well, she's gonna have to work that one out for herself. Maybe she just needs to vent and blow off some steam? We all need that from time to time. Cut her some slack, ugh?" Liv mused, smiling as she watched Amanda's eyebrows shoot up in an amused manner, a grin tugging at the corner of her lips.

"You're quite the comedian, Lieutenant." the blonde stated, tugged Olivia with her to the couch and poured them both a large glass of the crimson coloured spirit.

Sitting down on the large fluffy cushions, Olivia accepted the glass, patting the space next to her, indicating to Amanda to sit down and cuddle up. "I have my moments."

Amanda couldn't remember the last time she enjoyed a movie that much. Maybe it was the beautiful and reassuring company she had or maybe her liking for the film was genuine or maybe it was a mixture of the two that made everything so much more enjoyable. She had a feeling that Olivia's soothing and secure presence had a lot to do with it, more so than the movie itself. The rolling thunder seemed to have let up a bit but halfway through the movie there was another bright flash of lightening followed by the deep growl from the angry thunder and Amanda tensed up, her breath hitched in her throat as she curled into Olivia's side.

"Easy, honey, we're safe in here, I promise." she hushed and rubbed her hand over the tense muscles in her shoulders and back.

"I thought it had passed by now. Why hasn't it passed?" she whimpered with fear, expecting the Lieutenant to know the answer.

"Looks like she decided to come back. Why are you so afraid of thunder storms? Did something happen?" Liv asked and tenderly ran her fingers through blonde soft shiny hair.

"No, it just sounds scary."

Amanda's voice sounded so small and vulnerable, almost like a child's voice, admitting her biggest fear and insecurities. Olivia caressed her cheek and let her fingertips travel down to her chin and back up again, absorbing the silky smooth skin under her touch. "I know it sounds scary, sweetie. What can I do to make it less scary for you?" she gently offered, tilting her head to the side so she could get a good look at the blonde's face. "Tell me?"

Amanda gazed into the dark brown eyes, sinking into the depths of them, completely losing track of time and place. The brunette's lips appeared so inviting, so plump and ready and, before Amanda knew it, she had the Lieutenant in a very passionate and searing liplock that took her breath away. She felt Olivia's soft tongue caress hers and how she gently cupped the younger woman's face in her hands, putting everything she felt into the kiss, soothing and calming her worries and fears.

The older woman tasted so good. Sweet and spicy at the same time and the perfume she was wearing somehow blended into the lustfilled kiss, making it even more intense and real. Her arousal was peaking as the kiss continued and, after a minute of two, she could no longer fight the powerful and raw need to have this woman, and for Olivia to have her, and without breaking the contact of their lips, Amanda swiftly threw a leg over the Lieutenant's lap, straddling her in a very seductive way.

Olivia was startled by the sudden and unexpected move but was also pleasantly surprised by it. She let her hands roam from Amanda's face down her neck, then her shoulders and back before they finally came to rest on the blonde's outer thighs, rubbing the soft material of her yoga pants and felt the firm muscles underneath. The next move startled Olivia once again as Amanda grabbed her hand and placed it on one of her breasts, gasping loudly at the erotic sensation of the large hand tenderly squeezing her mound and skilled fingers swisting her nipple between the material of her top and bra.

"Oh god! Please Olivia, I... I need... I... I..."

"Shh, what do you need? Tell me what you need, baby!" she peppered loving kisses on her neck and throat as her hand continued to gently kneed her breast, feeling the nipple turn even harder from the sweet and pleasurable torture.

Amanda pressed herself into the working hand, shifted position and pressed her throbbing sex against one of Olivia's thighs, desperate for some friction and release. "I need you." she said in a quivering voice filled with desire and hunger that she felt for this woman. "I need you now. I need to feel you, I need your hands on my body, please Olivia, please!"


	21. Chapter 21

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 21

Olivia had suggested that they should move to the bedroom where they would be more comfortable but Amanda was afraid that her legs wouldn't carry her all the way so she told Liv that they were fine where they were for now. The continued to grow and there was a fire within the blonde's stomach, burning with hot flames of passion and desire, raw hunger and lust. By pressing herself down harder onto Olivia's leg she shuddered and moaned as her swollen clit rubbed against the now damp material of her panties. She needed more, needed something real and raw. She needed Olivia.

"Are you sure about this, sweetheart? I don't want to hurt you or scare you. If you're not ready I understand." the brunette mumbled into the kiss, feeling herself losing it and giving in to the powerful pull of sexual desire.

Amanda was almost ready to burst if Olivia wouldn't touch her sooner rather than later and the burning sensation in the pit of her stomach had quickly turned into a raging fire that was nearly too big and wild to to ever extinguish. She had never experienced such lustfilled desire and her sex was screaming for attention, needing to be touched. Without giving Olivia a verbal response she took a larger hand in hers, pulled at the elastic of her pants and swiftly guided it underneath the material and her soaking panties.

"Fuck." she grunted as soon as Olivia's fingers made contact with her slippery flesh, pushing her hips forward, begging for more.

"Oh, baby! You're so swollen, I can feel how ready you are." Liv croaked in a husky voice, working the fingertips around the protruding bud, feeling the wetness coat her hand. "Take what you need, sweetheart, take all you need. You're in control." it took a lot of willpower to not ravish the younger woman straddling her lap. Her own arousal was rapidly building in her lower belly, without a doubt leaving a large wet patch in her own underwear just by feeling and touching Amanda's slik folds.

Due to the generous expansion of the elastic, Olivia had plenty of room to move her hand around to get full access. She was dying to see, taste and smell every inch of Amanda's body but she had to push those urges down since she had made it clear that the blonde was in total control of the situation. She placed her left hand on Amanda's ass cheek, helping her to create a steady rhythm with her hips, thrusting back and forth.

The younger woman hid her face in the crook of Olivia's neck, kissing and nipping away at the soft and delicious skin she found there, feeling the Lieutenant stiffle a moan at the sweet torture. She needed more from Olivia, needed to feel her inside, to fill her up. By guiding the skillfull hand into the right position, Amanda felt two of Olivia's fingers press against her dripping opening and slowly she eased herself down onto the long digits, letting them slip into her as she moaned for release.

Olivia felt the warmth and the slik wetness against her fingers and hand, the walls inside Amanda's sex clenched around her as she slowly began to move them in and out in a steady speed. "You feel so good, baby, so so good." she could hear how soaking the blonde was as her wetness kept growing with each thrust, creating a delicious sexual and erotic sound with every move. "Oh my god, sweetheart, you're soaking. You're all worked up. Come on, move with me, baby, take all you need."

By pumping her hips back and forth Amanda could feel her climax building rapidly and she was now a quivering mess, desperate to reach an orgasm. She picked up the speed as she kept riding the two fingers that were placed deep within her, whimpering and crying softly as her release was only seconds away. "Ohhh, fuck!" she grunted into Olivia's neck and took all the energy she had left and rapidly pumped herself against the Lieutenant's hand, riding the digits shamelessly as she came crashing over the edge.

"That's it, baby! Cum for me! Oh, you're so beautiful, Amanda, so so beautiful, hot and sexy. Just let yourself go." Olivia held on to the trembling woman as she rode out the intense waves of euphoria, withering and convulsing in her arms before she finally went slack against the brunette's body, fingers still inside her.

Amanda was panting heavily into Olivia's neck as the occasional tremble still passed through her exhausted frame causing soft whimpers to escape her throat. "Shhh, easy, sweetheart. Just take a minute to calm down, you're okay. Do you want me to pull out?" she whispered and kissed the blonde's temple, feeling how hot and clammy she was due to the intense fight to reach her climax.

"No," Amanda whimpered again, pressing her over heated face against the soft and tanned skin of the Lieutenant, tightening her arms around Olivia's shoulders. "...not yet. Give me... a minute." she breathed heavily, her chest rising and falling with each gasping breath, riding out the aftermath of an orgasm so intense, her inner walls were still gripping onto Olivia's long fingers.

"Take as long as you need, sweetie. I'm not going anywhere." she cooed into a nearby ear, rubbing her back with her left hand as her thumb on her right hand gently began to stroke Amanda's pubic bone, soothing her back down from her high. "You can pull away whenever you're ready."

Amanda had just done what she thought she couldn't do, at least not yet or not for a very long time to come. She had had sex. She had had sex and an orgasm and it had been completed and utterly amazing. The sensation of Olivia's fingers, still inside of her, were in a way comforting and soothing. She trusted her, trusted her with her life. There was nothing Olivia had said or done to convince her otherwise, everything the brunette had done for her had always been made out of care and kindness and she didn't think there was anything remotely bad about the Lieutenant. She was good. She was a perfect example of a pure kind hearted and compassionate woman that would go an extra mile, even for a stranger, to make them feel safe and cared for.

Their love making had also been an example of just that. She had made sure the blonde was ready, comfortable and feelimg safe before they proceeded to do anything beyond kissing and just touching. The older woman had made her feel all the things she didn't think was possible to feel ever again, not after what had happened with Lucas, but here she was, in the arms of an extraordinary woman who cared for her and made sure that she mattered, that she was ready, that she was protected, safe and okay.

It was overwhelming to feel all those things at the same time. It felt like her heart was about to burst right out of her chest from all the emotions that were swirling inside of her and she couldn't stop her eyes from tearing up or her throat from letting out a strangled and muffled whimper and cried softly into Olivia's hoodie, creating wet patches with the salty drops. "Hey, honey, what's the matter? Did I hurt you?" Amanda quickly shook her head, not wanting Olivia to believe for a second that she had hurt her because it couldn't be more further from the truth.

Liv brushed blonde hair away from her hidden face, trying to get a look at her face to see if she was okay. "Shhh, then what's the matter, honey? Tell me." she whispered and kissed the side of her head in a motherly fashion.

Slowly, Amanda pulled away from the fingers that were buried deep within her, whimpering at the loss of contact, then she immediately felt strong arms enveloping her, holding her in a secure embrace, rocking slightly from side to side while muttering hushing noises into her ear, waiting patiently for Amanda to speak.

"I... I'm just... I'm just... overwhelmed, I guess." she sniffled, pulling back slightly and settled down next to the brunette on the couch, her sex still pulsating from the strong release. "I... I didn't think I would... you know, be able to... to finish." her face turned beet red at the confession, lowering her head to avoid looking Liv in the eye, feeling extremely embarrassed.

"Oh, honey." Liv soothed and brushed the tears away as they fell. "I'm so honoured that you trust me enough to let me touch you and I'm so glad that you were able to have an orgasm, that must've been such a relief for you, in more ways than one." she playfully chuckled but turned serious once again. "Honestly, sweetheart, I'm so happy for you and I feel so privileged to be here with you." she brought the blonde closer and kissed her flushed forehead, wiping the last of her tears. "You doing better now, sweetie?"

Nodding her head, Amanda snuggled closer to the brunette, feeling the warmth radiating from the older woman, soothing and calming her senses. "Can I... can I touch... you?" she whispered, her voice shy and timid.

Olivia took a hold of Amanda's hand and placed it over one of her own breasts, feeling her nipple stiffen under the touch. "You can do whatever you're comfortable doing, my love. I'm right here, although, I think we should relocate into the bedroom perhaps, where we will be more comfortable. What do you say?"

Kissing passionately, they stumbled into the bedroom and Amanda gently pushed the Lieutenant down onto the bed and lowered herself on top of the tall muscular body beneath, fingers fumbling with Olivia's top, hands gripping onto heated flesh, needing to feel, see and taste everything about this beautiful woman. Liv noticed her shaky fingers and erratic breathing and covered them with her own, giving them a gentle squeeze. "Hey, easy, I'm not going anywhere. Here, let me help."

She sat up, pulled her top off, leaving here in a black laze bra that perfectly hugged her generous breasts. "God, you're beautiful." Amanda stated and began to kneed a large mound with one hand and gently suckled onto a nipple, working the pebbled flesh with her mouth and tongue.

Olivia gasped at the sensual contact and pushed her upper body forward, feeling Amanda take in as much of her breast as she could into her mouth, suckling almost forcefully on it and Liv had to look down at the blonde, who was passionately latching onto her nipple, needing to look at her face as she did it. "Dear god! Amanda, what are you doing to me? That's it, sweetheart, that's it, god that feels so good."

The brunette could feel herself almost soaking through the material of her panties and her pants and she knew it wouldn't take long for her to cum. Suddenly, she felt Amanda tug at the waste band of her leggings and underwear, indicating that she needed them taken off, now. Lifting her hips from the mattress, Amanda could easily slide the garments down her legs and toss them on the floor and instantly began to fumble with the clasp of Olivia's bra, needing her completely naked under her, needing to feel her skin on hers. When the Lieutenant was totally exposed, Amanda began to undress herself in a clumpsy manner, tearing at the garments and discarded them on top of Olivia's on the hardwood floor of the bedroom, in a messy pile.

" _You_ are beautiful, Amanda. So so beautiful." Liv whispered into the dim lit room just as the beams from a lightning passed in through the window, creating a soft glow all over Amanda's naked toned body. However, this time, the lightening or the sound of the rolling thunder didn't scare her. She was too busy, too occupied to even register it. "Come here, baby. Let me hold you."

Immediately, Amanda snuck into Liv's open arms, their skin making contact for the first time and the they both gasped at the intense feeling of softness and warmth. Hands began to roam, touching every inch, every curve and every scar before the blonde could no longer wait. She slid her hand between their bodies, now laying on their sides facing each other, and slipped a finger through Olivia's soaked folds, hearing the wetness flood. "Oh, Liv, you're drenched. You feel so soft, so warm." she flicked her hugely swollen clit with the tip of her finger, hearing the Lieutenant cry out in pleasure, feeling her own arousal seeping out from between her legs.

"Can I touch you too?" Liv croaked, her eyes half closed in a sexual desired haze, her breath warm against the blonde's face.

Amanda didn't respond verbally. Instead she lifted her leg slightly, inviting Liv's hand to work it's magic once again. She groaned as she felt the Lieutenant's long slender fingers starting to play with her clit, feeling the tingly pleasure all the way down to her toes and every hair follicle.

Their eyes locked as they pleasured and rubbed each other closer to oblivion, hips rocking, breaths mingling, moans erupting from tight throats and beads of sweat bloomed on their foreheads. "I'm so close." Amanda panted, trying to keep up the same rhythm as Olivia's thrusting hips. "Together." she moaned and picked up the speed with her hand and fingers, rubbing, pinching and flicking the Lieutenant's engorged bud, feeling the sweet nectar seep through her opening.

"Oh my god, Amanda! I... I'm gonna... I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum. Please, baby, cum with me, cum with me."

Time stood still for a second before their joined orgasm took hold of their bodies simultaneously, screaming out their release as their hips jerked wildly against each other's hands, gushing their pent up arousal, soaking the cream coloured sheets before they stilled and only their laboured gasps and pants for air could be heard inside the gloomy room. Slowly, they each withdrew their hands and cuddled closer to one another as they let the afterglow of their mind blowing sex fill their senses.

"That was amazing, sweetheart, absolutely amazing. _You_ are amazing." Olivia stated breathlessly, running her fingers through blonde tangled hair, letting her fingertips ghost along her spine down to the soft curve where back met buttom and repeated the motion over and over again, soothing and grounding Amanda as she was still occasionally shivering.

"I feel like I have a slight advantage, Lieutenant. If I calculate correctly, I do believe I had the privilege to achieve two orgasms while you, on the other hand, only had the one opportunity to climax once. Don't think I'll forget about it. I always pay my debts." she slurred her words as she spoke, the relaxing movement of Olivia's hand, the dim light in the room and the strenuous activity had taken a toll on the young woman, her blue eyes reluctantly fluttering close.

"I'm sure you do, honey. Just remember that I can arrest you if you leave your debts unpaid. Sleep now." she hushed and pulled the covers over their naked bodies, smiling lovingly as Amanda let out a faint squeal of contentment and snuggled in as close as she possibly could get into the warm Lieutenant's arms, already fast asleep. "I'll be right here, sweetie. Just sleep. I love you."

When Amanda woke up about two hours later, the thunder seemed to have stopped but the rain was still pouring from the sky, smashing against the window, creating a somewhat soothing sound. Soft snores came from the woman next to her, still asleep, hair toussled on the white pillow and her mouth slightly open. To Amanda she looked absolutely beautiful. She could still feel the aftermath of their earlier activities, her clit still sensitive and tingly, her skin sticky due to dried perspiration and her body slightly sore from the movements of her hips, hands and arms.

Smiling faintly, she lifted her hand up, the same hand that had been buried between the Lieutenant's legs only hours ago and brought it to her nose. The smell of Olivia still lingered on them, sweet and sensual. Another wave of arousal washed over her as she inhaled the intoxicated scent of the older woman and she couldn't wait to actually taste her and see her in her full glory.

Slowly she pulled the covers off the sleeping brunette, her naked tanned body glowed in the faint light and her eyes immediately travelled down to the dark patch of curls between two well shapely thighs and swiftly scooted down to the same level. A moan escaped Olivia's lips but she didn't wake up. Instead, she unconsciously shifted in the bed so she was lying on her back, legs parted just enough for Amanda to see her folds and the protruding clit between them, her own pleasure bud twitching with need.

Softly, she used her fingers to gently part Olivia's lips, so she could get full access to her clitoris, and seductively ran her tongue through the folds and circled the hardened bud, moaning at the sweet taste. Olivia's eyes suddenly flew open and she gasped at the warm sensation between her legs, propping herself up on her elbows, spotting Amanda now suckling and licking her whole labia with gusto.

"Holy fuck! Amanda, what... oh god, that feels so good. Ahh!" throwing her head back, she arched her back, pushing her hips into the blonde's mouth, asking for more.

Amanda got the hint and inserted two fingers into the still wet opening and quickly found a rhythm that matched them both as she devoured he sensative pearl with her tongue. "I'm close already, baby, so close." by pumping her fingers in and out of the slik opening and adding pressure with her tongue, the Lieutenant's hips suddenly flew off the mattress, jerking uncontrollably in the air, cumming hard in Amanda's warm and wet mouth. "Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop... Oh my gooood!"

The walls pulsated around her fingers, indicating that the orgasm had been a strong one. "Are you trying to kill me?" she gasped when she had finally come down from her high, chest heaving and her body had turned into a jelly like state.

Amanda chuckled slighy and snuggled into the damp and worked up body beneath her, kissing her lightly on the lips. "Now we're even, Lieutenant."


	22. Chapter 22

To Find What I Wasn't Looking For

Chapter 22

 **Ladies and Gents. This is the final chapter. I felt that both Amanda and Olivia were in a good place in their lifes, personally professionally and with each other. I would like to thank everyone who has taken their time and effort to review my story, chapter after chapter. It truly means a lot to me. Thank you for reading. XXX**

"Are you nervous about tomorrow, honey?"

"Yeah, a bit. I just don't want people staring at me, thinking: 'Oh hey, there's that girl who got raped, kidnapped and almost killed.'"

"Sweetheart, they don't know what happened so how could they possibly say or even think that? Your boss doesn't even know."

"Trust me, where I work a rumors start as soon as someone looks at you funny and it spreads like wildfire. It's all they ever do, gossip."

The two women were inside Olivia's apartment, snuggled up in bed for the night. Amanda was going back to work the next day and didn't want to spend the night alone in her bed, feeling nervous and anxious. It was time to go back. She didn't think it would do her any good, in the long run, by sitting at home doing nothing and grow even more restless and apprehensive. It was time to face the music and just do it. It would get worse the longer she waited.

"If anyone say or do something to hurt you, let me know and I'll kick their sorry asses." Liv grumbled and kissed the blonde head tucked underneath her chin.

"Always my hero." Amanda chuckled and squeezed her arms tighter around the woman she loved. "My knight in shining armour, ready to rescue a damsel in distress."

"Well, I wouldn't say that my armour is shiny but I'll rescue a damsel in distress anyday, especially if that damsel is you." she snuggled Amanda closer to her side and kissed her forehead gently, letting her lips ghost the pale and soft skin of the blonde.

"For a bad ass Lieutenant I must say that you're very cheesy."

"Cheese is my middle name, didn't you know?" she gasped, acting shocked and hurt before she propped herself up on one elbow and peppered Amanda's face with sloppy kisses and began tickling her, chuckling as she heard the woman squeal and shriek in delight beneath her. "You sound so adorable when you do that." she stated and continued to place kisses, in a steady stream, across the blonde's now scrunched up features.

"I surrender, I surrender, please no more!" Amanda giggled as she tried to break free from the firm hold Olivia had her in. "Please, I'll do anything!" she continued to giggle and laugh as the brunette kept on to sweetly assault her face.

"Oh, anything? Well, I'll stop for now but I will come up with something that you can do for me later, don't worry." Liv winked and kissed her lightly on the lips. The kiss soon turned very passionate and hungry, tongues battling for dominance and hands roaming every inch they could reach before Olivia pulled back slightly to look Amanda in the eye. "You okay if I continue my kisses while moving south?"

The blonde giggled at the Lieutenant's choice of words. "Well, if you don't do anything quickly, I'll have to take the matter into my own hands." she gasped as she felt Olivia's teeth graze her collarbone before continuing to seductively massage her breasts through her pajama top, causing her to squirm and writhe beneath her touch.

"Oh, I don't think so, missy. The only person who will be touching your body is me. Now, raise your arms, honey." Amanda complied and the top was swiftly removed by one single pull over her head, revealing two perfectly shaped breasts, nipples pink and erect. "So beautiful." Liv murmured and immediately sucked one into her warm mouth while her hand began to kneed the other, giving them both equal attention.

"Oh, fuck." Amanda grunted as her hips involuntary shot up from the mattress, her back arched and head thrown back in unimaginable pleasure. "So good." she panted softly while running her fingers through dark thick tresses, pushing the brunette closer to her breast, needing more. "Please, Liv, I... I need..."

"What do you need, baby? Tell me what you need?" she questioned as she released the nipple with a pop and began to run a finger underneath the elastic of her pants and underwear, caressing the cores curls beneath the material. "You need me to touch you here?"

"Yes, please!" Amanda almost shouted, feeling her whole body turn into a raging blaze that would be nearly impossible to extinguish. "I... I need your tongue, your mouth on me, please... please, I..."

"Shhh, I'll take care of you, don't worry. Lift your hips, honey." in one effortless tug, the two garments were removed and Olivia was met with a neatly trimmed patch of golden hair nestled between two toned thighs that were quivering with need. "You okay?" Liv softly queried, not wanting to make Amanda feel uncomfortable, too exposed or too vulnerable with what they were about to do. She needed Amanda to know that she could trust her to the fullest and that she would never hurt her or make her do something that she wasn't ready for or willing to participate in.

"I would be more okay if you'd touch me already." Amanda whined as her own hands began to wander south to her nether region, her burning desire now boiling within.

Without uttering another word, Olivia immediately parted the blonde's folds, glistening with warm and slik wetness, and stared at the swollen and protruding bundle of nerves hidden between. She could smell Amanda's sweet arousal, settling herself in a comfortable position between the younger woman's lean but muscular legs and, for the first time, ran her tongue through the soaking slit, getting her first taste of her lover, hearing her gasp and whimper in pleasure.

"Oh my god! So good, please don't stop. Please." Amanda pleaded, her eyes squeezed shut, mouth open and head thrown back in erotic delight. She spread her legs further apart, giving Olivia full access to her sex, feeling her warm and soft tongue circle her clit, stroking it, flickering it and sucking it, giving Amanda the ultimate pleasure with her mouth.

As soon as Liv's tongue made contact with Amanda's heated and wet sex, she was hooked. The warmth, the softness, the taste, the smell, everything about this woman was purely intoxicating and addictive. Just hearing Amanda whimpering, moaning and groaning in pleasure caused her own arousal to peak and she was throbbing with need. However, this wasn't about her, it was all about Amanda tonight. Her wants, her needs.

Lapping up the juices that were seeping from the blonde's opening, she moaned at the sweet taste of her lover and held the now frantic thrusting hips in a firm grip, trying to ease the rapid movement so she could focus her full attention on the one spot she knew would bring Amanda over the edge. She sucked the engorged bud into her mouth and used her tongue to flick and rub it in a consistent and even speed, knowing that the blonde was so close and she was right.

Amanda, soon enough, jerked her hips up in the air, her abdominal muscles contracting and releasing with every powerful wave of orgasmic pleasure, trapping Olivia's head between her trembling thighs as she rode out the intense climax. "I'm cumming, I'm cumming! Holy fuck, don't stop, don't stop."

The orgasm seemed to last forever as Amanda kept telling Olivia not to stop. Eventually, her wildly rocking hips came to a stop, mid air, before she collapsed back down onto the wrinkled sheets, convulsions ripping through her body from the after shocks and her breathing was heavy and fast. "Fuck!" she grunted, indicating for Olivia to crawl back up and join her, needing to feel and touch the strong and safe Lieutenant after such a powerful release.

"You okay, baby?" Liv asked, amused by her question as she already knew the answer.

"I'm more than okay. That was... that was... wow!" she breathed, feeling how her body was finally starting to relax after the strenuous activity, her heart rate returned to normal and her eyes turned heavy with sleep and exhaustion.

"I agree, my love. That was... wow!" chuckling, she pulled back to get a proper look at Amanda's face but was met with an already asleep young woman in her arms. Stroking damp hair away from her flushed forehead, Olivia leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on an equally flushed cheek, ghosting it ever so softly with her fingertips, relishing the feeling of velvety skin. "Sleep tight, my love. I'll be here in the morning."

They had agreed upon Amanda coming back to her apartment after her first day of returning to work after being absent for so many weeks. Liv had promised to have dinner ready for when she got back, a nice bottle of wine, something chocolaty for dessert and a relaxing atmosphere, maybe even some candles.

True to her words, Olivia had everything prepared when Amanda stepped through the door at nearly six o'clock, her whole posture visibly slumped and heavy and the brunette had a feeling that things hadn't gone very smoothly. Liv approached her, taking her handbag and coat from her hands and then enveloped the blonde into her arms, holding her tight for a moment. "Hey, honey. I missed you. How did everything go today? Any asses that needs kicking?"

Amanda giggled into Olivia's chest, her face pressed tightly against it. "Everything went surprisingly well, I'm just a bit tired. They were all nice and very accommodating, only a few odd looks but I don't really know those people anyway so it makes no difference to me. It was nice seeing them all again." she snuggled closer into the warm body holding her. "Oh, and I missed you too. What did you make for dinner, I'm starving?"

After a nice flavoursome meal plus a delicious dessert, the two women changed into something more comfortable and snuggled up on the couch together, watching tv, even though they weren't really paying attention to what was going on on the screen. Instead, they found themselves in a relaxed, casual and, maybe even a domestic state, as if they had been a couple living together for a longer period of time. There was just something very familiar about the whole situation that they were currently in.

Lost in their own separate thoughts, Liv suddenly broke the peaceful silence, ran her fingers through the blonde's hair, her head resting on her shoulder. "What are you thinking about?" she questioned softly.

Smiling, Amanda cuddled in closer to Olivia's side, wrapping an arm around her waste. "You." she whispered, her voice relaxed and content.

"Right answer." the brunette chuckled lightly, kissing the blonde tresses underneath her chin. "What about me? Besides the fact that I'm obviously gorgeous, intelligent, funny and unbelievably good in bed."

Amanda laughed out loud, the precious sound ringing in Olivia's ears. "Well, yes, that is stating the obvious. You are all those things but I was also thinking about me and how happy I am to have found you. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you, that you're too good for me and, I can't help but to feel, that I have nothing to offer you. I just... I feel... I feel blessed to have you." her voice quivered this time, a faint but detectable tremor, a hint of various emotions hidden inside it.

"Honey, you have so much to offer me." she scooted back a bit, just so she could look Amanda in the eye as she spoke. "You deserve everything good, everything that makes you happy and if I make you happy then that makes me happy too. So very happy." she stroked a pale cheek with her knuckles and brushed blonde stray hair away from her face and glistening eyes. "You are all I need, honey."

Amanda's bottom lip quivered as she smiled gently, blinking at the tears that were threatening to fall any second. "I still have nightmares and flashbacks." she whispered softly, her gaze lowered and somewhat distant. It was true. She still experienced nightmares and horrible flashbacks but they were not nearly as frequent as they had been a few weeks ago. Her therapy sessions were really helping, which she was immensely grateful for, and talking to Olivia also had a positive effect on her healing process and her road to recovery.

Liv knew this. She had witnessed the dreams herself and the aftermath of them. Watching Amanda cry and scream in her sleep was something she had seen several times now and, every time it happened, it tore her heart open. She wasn't sure why Amanda suddenly brought it up, since their conversation had contained a different topic, but she figured that the blonde was putting it out there in case Liv wanted to change her mind about them being in a relationship and that she could back out now when she had the chance.

Sighing deeply, Olivia cupped the younger woman's face in her hands, her thumbs brushing the delicate skin under her eyes. "Amanda, sweetheart, I know you still suffer from awful nightmares and flashbacks but, honey, what kind of person, what kind of friend and what kind of partner would I be if I didn't support you through this?" a lone drop slid down Amanda's cheek but Liv caught it and wiped the tear away. "Sweetheart, I will be here for you for whatever you need. I'm not going to run or turn my back on you."

She pressed a gentle kiss on Amanda's forehead, smiling softly. "I will hold you through every nightmare, every flashback and every bad day that you might have. You're doing so well, honey, and it has only been a couple of months. Give yourself some time and credit. The nightmares will eventually fade and so will the flashbacks. Will they disappear forever? No, probably not but I can promise you, from personal experience, that they will appear a lot less frequently after some time. It can sometimes take me a few months before I have a bad dream about Lewis and other times I can have a couple of nights a week where I would wake up sweating and shaking. All I'm saying is that you are doing remarkably well, sweetheart, and I'm so proud of you. I love you."

Amanda crawled into Olivia's lap, needing to feel those strong arms around her, holding her, keeping her safe from all the horrors and worries from the world outside and grounding her from bad thoughts and memories of Lucas. "I love you." she mumbled into Olivia's chest, inhaling the comforting and familiar scent that she had gotten so use to during this time. She didn't think she could survive not smelling it ever again. It had become a comfort, an anchor and something to focus on when her mind needed a distraction.

She felt content and settled inside the warm cocoon Olivia so willing offered and she snuggled deeper into the firm and strong body holding her, her senses absorbing as much as she could of Olivia, invading every cell of her brain, taking everything in. Everything.

She had found something, or someone, that she didn't know she was looking for. Yet, here she was, here they both were, happy to have found each other, even during such horrible circumstances, but yet grateful for it.

They were home.

 **The End.**


End file.
